Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
some guy told me I was a tool
So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
I completely misunderstood Pride month…
Anyway, who wants to buy 12 lions?
WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars
The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no
I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.
Now I just hide her glasses.
What's the difference between Bud Light and pussy?
Pussy only tastes like piss for a second.
What did the Pokemon say after a night of rough sex?
Vulvasore
(I am so, so sorry)
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2022 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£350,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £3,950,000" for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £3,700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £250,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!... I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions
They shouldn't have followed the Heard
Struggles of passwords
Struggles of passwords
"Set password:"
carrot
"Password must be at least 8 characters."
boiled carrot
"Password must contain at least 1 number."
1 boiled carrot
"Password cannot contain spaces."
50boiledcarrots
"Password must contain at least 1 capital."
50FUCKINGBoiledcarrots
"Password cannot contain multiple consecutive capitals."
50FuckingBoiledCarrots
"Password cannot contain swear words"
IfYouDoNotAcceptThisPasswordThenYouCanStickThose50BoiledCarrotsUpYourButt
"This password is already in use."
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off
I think I'm being stalked
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”
That’s M’Shell on my back
confession time
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
[NSFW] Condom doesn't guarantee safe sex
my friend use it, but still got shot by the woman's husband
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion