gabe saporta should've been a ken in the barbie movie

*me, literally sick with want* whatever

we need to bring back the word square like i don't think it's problematic that you listen to taylor swift i just kinda think it's lame as hell

My favorite sex act is called the 169 where two people engage in reciprocal oral sex and a 3rd person off to the side on the same bed as them lays perfectly still arms across their chest like a vampire and gets a wonderful beautiful nap

My second favorite sex act is called "Daddy's Woodland Chainsaw Massacre"

funniest possible situation to say “but we’re both girls!” go

the Xenomorph as Sigourney Weaver jettisons her out the airlock

okay sure

i think all quiet on the western front and the lord of the rings are in direct conversation with each other, as in theyre the retelling of the same war with one saying here’s what happened, we all died, and it did not matter at all and another going hush little boy, of course we won, of course your friends came back

someone should remake lord of the rings as a grandfather telling a fantasy story to his grand child with flashbacks to world war one showing the dead boys and men the characters were based on. grandpa why didn’t they just fly. because they didn’t. they didn’t.

i’m fine

I will never get over how Tolkien & Lewis took the horrors of war and spun them into fantasy.

Shivering in the trenches dreaming of cozy hobbit holes, shaking as bombs pockmark a forest and imagining each shallow mud-filled crater contains a new world—that maybe there are still as many beautiful things in the universe as there are bombs—that maybe the world is bigger than this moment and this ugliness and one day this will be a peaceful forest again full of small ponds.

I mean look at these photos of the shell craters in Sanctuary Woods, near Ypres Belgium and tell me it’s not the Wood Between The Worlds:

You get your wings only after its all over

it obviously makes sense, but one of my friend’s kids is going into swim class, and all the parents got an email today going, “when little ones are scared, they cling on to instructors. PLEASE trim their nails.” 

i don’t know why that’s so funny to me, but just. the idea of this poor, scratched swim instructor having to make sure to email before each class as a reminder to please declaw the children SENT me. 

When I taught swim lessons I remember trying to delicately ask parents not to cover their child in shea/coconut/olive oil before lessons.

“I understand your skincare regimen and wanting to protect their tender baby flesh from the pool chemicals, but COULD YOU NOT OIL YOUR CHILD LIKE A GREASED PIG before tossing them in the POOL? Thanks EVER so much!”

@nakimochiku i CACKLED

when programs fucking autocorrect <3 to ❤️ and :) to 😃,,,, do you have any idea what you’ve just done?? what you just fucking destroyed ?

A) It's irritating when systems turn lovely ascii art into crude little pictograms, and

😎 It's even more frustrating when you weren't actually trying to make an emoji.

Any setting where the elves have weaker booze than the dwarves isn't committing to the bit

I mean, we're talking about people whose lifespan is Yes.

"Oh, the weak wine? That is for children. I am two thousand years old, and I daresay one sip from this highball would knock you on your ass for a week."

Look, there's this weird thing people do with high fantasy where they want elves to be immortal/extremely long-lived snooty aristocrats and also somehow incapacitated by imagining the taste of salt too hard. "Orcs and dwarves have the hardest booze" no they don't, they have work in the morning! In any of these settings, elves would pregame harder than hobbits party and everyone else has shit to do tomorrow.

The average high elf builds up the drug tolerance of a mid-70s Hollywood producer and then spends three centuries studying alchemy. While humans seek immortality, the Immortals seek the elusive "philosopher's cocaine."

sorry for not answering messages for three thousand years i have. Stew. in place of a brain. you know how it is

yeah bro it's a character study. the 2 thousand words of blowjob is vital to the study of the character

Blue Lock as Rick Riordan book chapter titles because why not

Haikyuu!! Edition

Haikyuu! as Rick Riordan book chapter titles because why not

Blue Lock Edition

saw another trans person in public +60HP +500EXP

gritty both capturing the zeitgeist as usual AND educating me on the availability of free flow butter at american cinemas