with love, Ry

Best to just leave me be on this. It's just a place to vent you don't or probably shouldn't follow this. It gets heavy.

IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME PLEASE! I'M ALREADY SAYING IT! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME!?

I did not ask for help... I was fine until you thought I needed it but I didn't...

Suicide ideation for me isn't a feeling. It's something you come up with. It's irrational but it's still something you found — an answer.

But the fact is that's just one answer out of many. You don't have to see all the choices now but please look over the solution to your conclusion.

I haven't found mine really but I do have something:

"Suicide may be your most logical solution right now, but the fact that you're holding onto something — maybe it's hope; maybe it's something else. It has to have value. It has to be something worth holding on to."

I think I'm that traumatized now. That I can't know, form and maintain relationships anymore.

Like yeah I have people around me. I call them friends because by standards they are but I don't see friends I see people that I happen to know.

Like staring at a rainbow and still think the colours are muted.

"Let it out. Punch a pillow. Do martial arts."

Yeah. No. Can't. Don't want to.

"That's stupid. Weak excuses. You can. You just don't want to."

Yeah the thing is. I used to do that shit. Lo and behold. I still have thoughts of harming people. With martial arts I can effectively hurt people.

Almost like I did that and it did not help.

"You're suicidal. Why do you want to be immortal?"

Because I'm tired of seeing the pain of my friends and family whenever my idealisation of death is playing in my head.

"You think you don't deserve good things, do you?"

Oh. I fucking do. Don't get me wrong. But it's like you're asking a blind person to see colours.

"Why is it that you react in such a way?"

Trauma. Congratulations. You discovered it.

Crying out of nowhere. Or maybe not out of nowhere. Maybe out of grief, out of pain, out of tiredness, trauma flooding back.

And you hear these voices, "you're enough" "you're worth it" "you're amazing at your best" and I hate it. I hate it to my core. I hate it with my all. I hate them all. I don't care if it's true or just lies people say. I hate it.

I don't want to be happy. I just want to be okay with myself for being this way. I wanna be selfish. I want to shut people out so I don't have to hear their voices. So I could just hear mine and feel and talk to myself and make me feel better.

"Reach out." No. Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck that. It's all the same.

"You have so much to live for."

What do I fucking have right now to live for? People? I can't use them. They're not money that could fund the things I need. They're not punching bags to let all the anger out. They're not a life line to hold on to.

"Suicide is selfish."

Then maybe I can do something for myself for once. But what people don't get... What hurts me the most... Is that they think I need to be gripped so tight onto and it hurts. It physically hurts me that I'd rather just end it all in that moment.

Yes I do spend my time idealising how I'd do it but I never had an attempt. Because I don't want to die. But that doesn't mean I want to live.

"Then it's just attention seeking."

Now you see why I don't reach out?

I have no scars to hide, no attempts in history, no substances abused no conventional selfharm just chasing a fix after fix after fix with a media or a stranger out of reach.

If people could see, feel the things my brain thinks. They'd be scared... That's why I'm quiet. Which also means I don't have an outlet. I can only process things internally.

"You deserve great things."

Yeah and if I get them now I'd have more access to actually killing myself when I relapse and become impulsive.

I don't want to hear the good things when I feel this. I just want to be okay for feeling this. Not hate myself for needing more support. Not feel shame for not being "normal"

This world wasn't made for me. Honestly I never really wanted it. I just want one thing from me and it's to be okay for being this.

My past is not my fault. But I can't blame anyone nor forgive anyone and even forget. And I just want to have peace with that you know. I want to learn from these things and be okay with it.

I just want something of my own. Something of mine to hold onto.

I just want me, man...

We were joking about death. And something I said has been stuck with me:

If I'm going to kill myself, I want to be alone.

And I don't know... It just gives me more things to try to process than answers.

Have I never really been that safe to anyone all this time? How scared/closed off am I?

When I saw myself at the pictures I realised something I wish wasn't true.

I missed the person I was... But now she's gone... I lost her... And the pain of knowing that makes me want to put myself in a death sentence.

I lost everything when I thought I had nothing left to lose. And I physically cannot blame anyone else but me.

For the late half of this year, I have been nothing more than lonely, confused, sad, and angry and lately I have been frustrated, bitter, depressed, and enraged. For I have witnessed, the deterioration, the slow death of a man, myself.

I lost the good things that wasn't meant for me. And it's because of the things I did: love bombing, gaslighting, and even manipulation. Was I aware of it? Yes. Was it a conscious choice? No... But it's not all bad things, I'm aware of my worthy endeavours but like the others, I am not fully in control.

My actions are the result of the various programming I went through. It's the baseline of my morals. Yes, I will still take full responsibility for my actions. More often than not I even punish myself for it.

But that's not really the reason why I have been like this. The reason why I have been in this state was not solely because of what I did to people. It's because of ignoring myself for the sake of other people. That will forever be my biggest failure to myself.

I have been the daughter that my parents believed to be great. I have been the student my teachers compared my sister to. I have been the sister that protected my brother as best as could. I have been the friend they could depend on. I have been the lover that they wanted to keep. But I was never enough. I was never enough for myself and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I took so long. Now it's your turn.

What if I want to stay in the dark because I want to be my source of light?

What if the reason I lay here crying, angry, bitter is because it makes me feel that this life I have is real, like I'm not some dream or illusion that people made up?

I don't want to be fixed. I want to be free. Time and time and time again. I don't want control... I just want to let go...

I want to scream... So bad... But even when I'm alone I don't feel safe. Not even with people that care about me. Not even with people I want to care about. I want to be safe but I don't want to hurt people...

The fact that people want to keep me... The fact that people tell me I'm kind... I just don't understand and I probably never will...

The pain, the violence, I went through... that I did. It took all that just to get me here and I'm still fighting... And I really want to stop... I want to give up... Because then I don't have to carry the shield, the sword and the cross that I carried...

I wish people could just hate me. Paint me the villain... So at least the damage I got, I done has justification...

But a part of me is screaming. What about me. What about me. I want to find her, reach out to her and say I'm sorry that I took so long.

I don't want to be happy anymore... I want something more than that... I just want peace...

No on else is going to say it. So I will.

Kid, I can't save you.

I can't save you, kiddo.

If you think you can't save yourself, it's okay.

I'm right here. If you want me gone or around, just say it. I'm within arm's reach.

It's okay.

I didn't ask for it. But it's here. And I hate it.

I didn't ask for the pain in my throat and the knot in my stomach.

The victim blaming, the invalidation... from me.

I didn't ask for this. I know it's all in my hea and it's affecting everything else. But won't that just mean that it's just as real as anything else?

So why can't I be fine with it? Why can't I be okay with this being part of me? Isn't that just the same as denying myself? Lying to myself?

I don't want control. I tried and look where it got me. I just want to let go...

It's not my fault. Why am I being pressured to fix it?

I wanna start socializing I really fucking do. But I'm scared. I've seen myself at my worst. The damage done.

What are friends? At its core?

Why am I so eager to help people but think it's unfair of me to ask for support? What are friends for?

What the hell are relationships supposed to be?

Heartbreaking to understand that people who have never been traumatized will never be able to fully grasp what happened to the person that was traumatized.

I'm guilty of that. Because first hand and second hand experiences have really big differences to me.

And yeah the thing with familiarity, trauma-bonding and attachments. And more often than not it causes more harm than good but there is no fool proof answer. People need the support a community to rely on, so a lot of people are going to be stuck even when the needs aren't met even if they are aware of that themselves.

Lack of that support results in self-isolation. The other end of it results in coping that isn't healthy long term.

And it's hard to think it's anyone's fault. But that doesn't mean that the pain of it all isn't real or valid.

People are gonna have to deal with the fact that the choice I make is not on them.

And that I want to hold that standard to me as well.

No it is not selfish to want everything to end. It's not the best solution don't get me wrong, but what else can be offered to someone who learned helplessness?

If you push, they're going to be scared.

Shit shit shit