Welcome To My Shitstorm Of A Blog

Do you think its a thing in the DC universe when there’s a show or pr stunt from a company or gov thats like “look at our 1 woman and 1 black man aren’t we so progressive!” (Even though theres like 50 old white men)

Someone is in the comment section like “the wayne family is more diverse than this.”

Bc we like to joke about the black hair blue eyes thing and on the surface they’re pretty uniform but you’ve got, canonically:

Bruce, Jewish+”somewhere on the spectrum”

Dick, Romani

Cass, Asian+selectively mute

Tim, bisexual

Damian, Arab

Duke, African american

All of them are from WILDLY different socio-economic backgrounds, from Rich Brat to Street Rat.

Plus, head-canon wise I’ve seen Jason as Hispanic and Tim as half Korean, and ALSO whatever flavor of neurodivergent any of them are (bc they definitely are.)

AND add Barbara as a family friend and/or Dicks girlfriend

You’ve got one Old Money family more diverse than your government and personally i think its a Gothamite meme

Dead on Main Soulmate AU

First words your soulmate says to you are written on your skin. Jason didn’t understand his for a long time- it looks like an insult, but he has absolutely no idea what it means, both before and after his death.

Eventually, it starts to make a slight bit more sense as Trendy Lingo advanced, and he hears Steph and Tim and some other teens using something similar. Still, he doesn’t understand why they’re said, and he’s unprepared for when he’s approached randomly by some guy while walking down the street after a particularly violent pit rage.

“Sir, your vibes are rancid.”

Jason freezes. The pit writhes in offense, because what the fuck, but at the same time his heart is beating out of his chest, because what the fuck?

“Oh ancients that sounded rude.” The guy says, eyes widening like he can’t believe he said that. “I mean- I just- are you okay? You don’t feel okay. You feel really, really sick, like your soul got marinated in corrupted ecto, and do you want help?”

Jason keeps staring. The guy is cute, dark hair and blue eyes that seem just a bit too bright to be human, freckles disappearing behind an embarrassed flush.

“I don’t want to overstep, because you’re giving off a whole lot of “fuck off don’t talk to me”, but I didn’t wanna just ignore you because I’m pretty sure a lot of the anger and bad vibes are coming from the corrupted stuff and I’m pretty sure I can help with that? If you don’t want help just tell me to fuck off or punch me in the face and I’ll leave but-”

The stranger takes a nervous step away, and Jason lunges forwards before he can think, everything in him rebelling at the thought of his soulmate leaving, from his own thoughts to the pits themselves.

“Please don’t leave.” He gasps, hands squeezed tight to his soulmates arm despite the twinge of pain from his bloodied knuckles. His soulmate’s eyes widen in shock, mouth dropped open, before he breaks into a bright, amazed grin.

“I won’t, I promise.” His soulmate says, reaching up to hold onto Jason’s arms in turn. His touch is cold, even through Jason’s jacket. “I’m staying right here.”

Jason leans into the touch, sagging with relief. He can feel the pits receding, the anger and pain and fear fading as his soulmate gently runs his hand over his back.

He feels, for the first time in a long time, at peace.

“…seriously though, wtf happened to you, you reek of bad death juice.”

Punchline

In those fics where Danny kills (or permanently maims/gets rid of) the joker on accident (or any random person who kills the joker honestly) his street name should be “punchline.”

Bc a Punchline is the end of a Joke.

Better if this is a world where ghosts fight for fun and stuff so Danny will also throw down with Grundy and Croc and Red Hood. He’ll fight random goons too, but he goes easy on them. Everyone knows he does. Like a mama cat play fighting with kittens.

“There goes Punchline, throwing hands. He’s down for a brawl but don’t cross The Line. Don’t make him mad. He earned that name, and it wasn’t with those puns.”

(Edit: I have been informed that Punchline is the name of Joker’s second girlfriend or something! We have decided that Danny stole the name the same way Jason stole Red Hood! Can we say power couple?)

(Damian and Danny are Twins AU)

Snippet that won’t leave my head

Danny, explaining his past with the league, the horrific training he endured, the final fight to the death with Damian before he fell through the Lazarus pit and ended up with the Fentons: “So yeah. That’s what happened.”

Batfam + Team Phantom: (horrified silence)

Danielle: “I thought…”

Danny: “hmm?”

Danielle, shocked and offended: “I thought that I was the most fucked up thing to ever happen to you!”

Danny: “Lmao kid you don’t even make top ten.”

Danielle, even more offended: “I am a violation of your bodily autonomy- I tried to KILL YOU!”

Danny: “And Damian succeeded. Take notes from your uncle. Though that’s not number one either.”

Danielle and Damian, who is now also offended: “What IS?”

Danny: “Burger Sauce Incident.”

Danielle and Damian: “We got beaten by BURGER SAUCE?”

No, seriously, Danny’s got a messed up life, ESPECIALLY when considering the implications of this AU. Heres a list of worse things than Danielle’s creation, in no particular order:

Bruce Wayne, sitting in a cute eco-friendly cafe while on a video call with Tim: Oh Noooo, are you sure there’s no way the board of directors will let us get rid of this old decrepit Wayne Factory building that is unsafe for our workers and also for the surrounding environment?

CEO Tim, with equal gravitas: No, I’m afraid they just won’t budge. It technically meets legal requirements on paper, and we can’t prove that the chemicals affecting the local ecosystem that have no other possible source are from the out-of-date drainage system… they’re saying it would cost too much to fix the place up too, which is ridiculous, because we’re us, but our hands are tied…

Bruce, full Brucie himbo mode: Oh I just feel so SAD for all the sweet fluffy animals and the pretty flowers and especially our hard workers dealing with such unsafe conditions… I think I’ll give them all a nice short vacation this weekend, so the ENTIRE PLACE will be EMPTY and SHUT DOWN from FRIDAY TO TUESDAY, the SECURITY SYSTEM WILL BE DOWN because it’s just so GLITCHY, I’m sure no one will do anything about the ENVIRONMENTAL STAIN ON OUR COMPANIES NAME THAT WILL BE COMPLETELY ABANDONED FROM FRIDAY TO TUESDAY- Timmy do you think I’m being too subtle?

Tim, snickering: no no you’re doing great Bruce I’m sure they’ve got it

Poison Ivy, on a date the next table over: ( ‘-‘)-☕️

Harley, through tears of repressed laughter: so… we doing anythin’ this weekend?

I read somewhere that its common in Arab culture to refer to someone close to you as your organs, implying you can’t live without them. Like how in english someone would say “my heart” (qalbi), in Arabic someone would also use “my liver” (kabidi) “my lungs” (riati). Notably, “my blood” is “Dami” which is funny bc it’s Damian’s shortened nickname.

Damian’s brothers have been using the nickname for years with or without knowing. I propose that as Damian gets closer to them, and Tim in particular, he responds in kind.

He starts to refer to Tim as “tuhali.”

…it means “my spleen.”

(Edit: this has now been confirmed by several Arabic speakers! Except the pronunciation of Dami as in “my blood” and Dami (shortened) might be different? Unclear. But my spleen idea works! So I’m happy!)

Tim, sleep deprived + making coffee with five hour energy instead of water in front of his protesting family: If no one comes back from the future to stop me, how bad of an idea can it really be?

Future!Damian, made friends with Infinite Realms Royalty and discovered they had the infi-map, a time travelling artifact that he recognizes from the funniest thing that ever happened to him in his childhood: Hello Timothy.

Tim, nearly jumping out of his skin: OH HOLY- Damian?

Future!Damian: 😁

Batfam: 😳

Young Damian: 🫵😦

Tim: …ok there’s NO WAY that drinking this will-

Future!Damian: You’ll never find out, because you’re not going to try. Now hand over those cookies, I promised an inter-dimensional death deity I’d get him some if he let me do this. Also- (tosses random cryptic Clockwork message that will make sense eventually onto the table)

Future!Damian, very ominously: Take care of yourself, Timothy *vanishes with a flourish of the map and cackling echoey laughter, leaving the family cookie-less and in shock.*

Alfred: …Did he have to take the plate?

Au where the Drake’s don’t die (they’re just bad parents) and as Tim gets older they start spending a SLIGHT bit more time with him to train him to take over Drake industries. They start trying to set up a marriage to a daughter of a good family for Tim, but he’s dating Bernard, who is not only a man but from a “subpar family.” They demand he break it off.

Tim refuses to break up with his boyfriend, threatens causing a huge scandal and making out with Bernard in public if they engage him to anyone.

Jack and Janet threaten to disown him, bc they think Tim’s been living the soft cushy house (manor) life hidden away from the world on thier money this whole time, so they’re all, “You’ll come crawling back, you need us and our money, this will teach you a lesson.”

Tim, who has been practically independent since he was four, has extensive robin training, access to zetatubes, powerful friends (and enemies) in every major city across the world, at least eight fully stocked safehouses in Upper Gotham alone, a personal bank account under his own name with combined Drake and Wayne allowance, at this point is only in Drake manor when his parents are here (a week with an important gala every four months maybe) and has LITERALLY had a discussion with Bruce about a custody battle due to negligence so he can call himself a Wayne on paper not even a week before, just laughs.

“This is Gotham. I’ll get Bruce Wayne to adopt me.”

That makes them mad. His parents show him the disowning paperwork and kick him out. Tim doesn’t even run to Wayne Manor, he meanders over while tapping at his phone.

Bruce already had the paperwork ready. The Drakes don’t know what’s happening before it’s too late. Tim is a Wayne. They try to challenge it but they relinquished all rights and Tim has receipts of parental neglect and also he already has a room at the manor.

Tim takes over as Wayne Industries CEO (the sooner the funnier) and immediately starts being awesome at it, smug ass grin in every photo, the other Waynes cackling in the background as the Drakes seethe and thier stocks plummet. The next gala they go to, Bruce makes absolutely sure to turn to Tim and go, “So son, when is your boyfriend coming over for dinner?”

Bernard comes back from a family camping trip to find out his boyfriend started an upper crust civil war for the right to date him. And also he’s invited to Wayne Manor. Wtf Tim.

stupid follow up to this

The inherent humor of brennan abandoning his cool clear dnd rulers for an actual tape measurerer they got Distances to cover baby!!

these queens are all so fucking funny, this is a delight

we're only one episode into Dungeons and Drag Queens and I already need 80 more seasons to get greenlit this is so fantastic I am having the best time

Mass invisibility........Liam your magic seed eating ass is wonderful

Dungeons and Drag Queens 1.01

I could watch Bob and Monét razz each other all night

THE VOICES

THE FACES

I CAN'T

this moment of appreciation from jujubee to brennan got me <3

take my hand. see my vision

i think i need to examine my watching fantasy high -> relating to kristen a little too hard -> playing dnd because of fantasy high -> realising i am a lesbian pipeline

I like to imagine Adaine’s makeover was just hours of the bad kids pitching options and someone made her try a (very much too big for her) wizard’s cape