Good read on how sometimes something becomes too real too fast…..I need! To learn! To stop running from it!
Sorry I'm going to be more normal about him
I need to hunt him for sport
“I am not the whiskey you want, I am the water you need.”
— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey
“It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.”
— John Updike, My Father’s Tears and Other Stories
“Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it.”
— Unknown
what are you even supposed to do when youre angry. cant scream at anyone cos im not a dick. cant break anything cos i paid money for that. cant rip my hair out cos i need it on my head. literally what now
these days, the summer fan is on, and there is a little cricket in you. your mother would say you don't have ambition, but that's not quite true. you just had different priorities: for most of your life, the pain swallowed so much of your energy that picturing a future was almost impossible. it took so much just to render yourself here without evaporating - making goals always felt shallow, far-off.
at 17, maybe you would have wanted to be famous. maybe you would have wanted to kiss every woman and come home late at night and call the dawn to heel like a dog. to meet taylor swift and ask her to collaborate on poems and french-kiss in the rain. to wiggle your fingers at jealous ex-lovers while you lifted the hem of your ballgown and got out of limousines. a life of rooftops, spinning and glittering.
these days, it isn't that you're tired, but that you have learned the weight of carrying things. you have had the good times. you have laughed at the bottom of a pool. you have had your hands on the paring knife. you know the cost of it, like a carcinogen. these days, you want a life like a stone fruit. these days, you want a life that lays gently on your skin, rather than piercing through.
you are going to get a little condo with your friend. the two of you fantasize about basic things: how it will feel to cook in a friendly kitchen. the serenity of picking out wall paint colors. putting plants in the sunlit corner. you want a place that never rings in anger. where the only echo is jazz music. you want a peace like holding your head under the water.
ah. maybe your younger self would be devastated - you got boring?
she doesn't know yet. she has lived her entire life terrified, running. she has grown so accustomed to the threat that she has fallen in love with the scythe. she thinks passionate and violent are synonyms, that anything lovely has to come with a bad side. she thinks life has to break like a wave - that you need to swallow the ocean in order to stay above the foam. she doesn't know about the boat yet. she doesn't know about spending hours at home, quiet, your hands folded, finding peace. she doesn't know about weightlessness. she thinks everything good is everything sharp. that the pain is what makes something satisfying.
one day she will make cookies from scratch. one day when she breaks a plate, she will be the only one around, and nobody will start shouting. one day she will slip her fingers under the sand, and it will make sense to her. the life assembling in little shards: oh. i've been afraid of a quiet life at home because i've never had a quiet home to come to before.
the gentle world inside her, singing behind a door.
You are not just a meaningless fragment in an alien universe, briefly suspended between life and death, allowed a few short-lived pleasures followed by pain and ultimate annihilation. Underneath your outer form, you are connected with something so vast, so immeasurable and sacred, that it cannot be spoken of–yet I am speaking of it now. I am speaking of it now not to give you something to believe in but to show you how you can know it for yourself.
Eckhart Tolle
Usually, the future is a replica of the past. Superficial changes are possible, but real transformation is rare and depends upon whether you can become present enough to dissolve the past by accessing the power of the Now.
What you perceive as future is an intrinsic part of your state of consciousness now. If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same.
The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence.
Eckhart Tolle
Escape the Reactivity Trap
How to Overthrow Your Conditioning with Playfulness
The movement of daily life within human society unfolds as call-and-response playing out in various circumstances. Something happens and we react.
Most people believe that freedom and happiness means exerting specific control over our circumstances. In other words, getting what we want. Ultimately, however, all circumstances are temporary and limited. The happiness and freedom they offer, therefore, are just as temporary and limited.
We don't have full control over the events and circumstances of our lives. We have the right to put in any kind of effort to influence them but there is no right or guarantee to specific results.
If you genuinely want to experience happiness and freedom, then paying attention to the play of call-and-response is essential. Being at ease, lively, and clever in all situations from the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep becomes a path to authentic happiness and freedom. Our way of living and engaging with the world is an expression of the endless and, perhaps, divine reality within and beyond us.
Sound good? Let's talk about it pragmatically.
The key to making this shift lies in understanding the difference between a reaction and a response.
A reaction occurs when a person's conditioning triggers an action or viewpoint. Our conditioning is influenced by various factors such as preferences, judgments, imprints, identities, and past experiences. Often, we are only partially aware of these elements and focus more on the end result—the reaction itself.
Essentially, a reaction is the re-activation of past thoughts, perspectives, decisions, and beliefs, albeit adapted slightly to suit the present moment. It represents our conditioned self, limiting our freedom and making our choices predictable and trite.
On the other hand, a response is the flowering of freedom.
There are two ways to describe a response. The first description is perhaps the most relatable; I will call it the mindful response.
The mindful response is when a reaction unfolds within our awareness. The mindful part is that we are able to breathe and find the space to hear the wisdom of a reaction without believing or buying into it. This not only provides self-insight but it also allows the reaction's emotional charge to mature or release, depending on the circumstances. Then our matured and liberated emotion admixes with self-insight, synthesizing a response that is not limited by our past programming.
The mindful response is what it looks like to practice mindfulness in our daily life. Something happens and instead of acting out a reaction in the same old way, you allow the reaction to flow through you. Without the reaction's flustering influence, fresh insights blossom.
The second description is the playful response. Here, we encounter situations that would typically trigger a reaction, but instead, we remain unaffected. As we progress in spiritual practice, meditation, and self-work, we outgrow our triggers and conditioned responses. We discover the freedom to be as we are, crisply alive here and now, and our responses then arise from a non-conceptual intelligence that radiates from and through every cell in our body.
In this way, we can enjoy the play of our human experiences.
Breaking it down further, there are several key differences between a reaction and a response.
- Identification: A reaction is tied to our deep conditioning, making us instinctively identify with it. As a result, we become defensive and threatened when our reactions are questioned. In contrast, a response is not viewed as a part of ourselves but rather as a creative output arising from the moment. This allows us to remain open to alternative views and change our understanding.
- Timing: Reactions are instantaneous and reflexive, guiding us in situations that require quick action. On the other hand, a response grows from the internal alchemy of a momentary pause, enabling us to craft a thoughtful and bespoke reply.
- Sophistication: Reactions are primitive and tend to be among the dumbest of possible replies to this moment. They sacrifice nuance in exchange for less processing and therefore increased speed. A response, however, combines self-awareness with non-judgmental insight, resulting in a more refined and wise approach.
How someone reacts does not define who they truly are as a living being. It merely reflects the conditioning they carry. Understanding this, we realize that a reaction is not more authentic than a response; quite the opposite.
Coming from an older and more primitive version of the world, dominated by fight-or-flight decision-making for survival, reactions continue to propagate in our modern era. From polarizing news media to viral videos, the lowest common denominator continues to dull the flavor of reality.
Given this knowledge, how would you choose to live?
LY