I Don’t Need This

All I have is love to give, so why do I keep getting burned? Why do I keep attracting people who only hurt me?

I’ve always been the type of person to live on my own, independent of what others think. After everything I have been through, and everything I have experienced, I have learned to only rely on myself to get me where I want to be. However, even the strongest people don’t want to suffer through everything alone.

I know I don’t have to. I know that there are people who love me and would give anything to help me, but that’s just it. I don’t want help. I just want someone to listen — someone to validate my feelings. Someone who isn’t trying to “fix” anything or find solutions. Just someone to look at me and say, “You’re right,” and hold me until I feel better.

Because the truth is that no matter how many times my friends tell me I’m beautiful, I’m smart, and that I deserve so much better, I will always feel what I feel…even if it’s not what’s best for me. Even if everything else inside of me knows they will hurt me, or that I am taking a huge risk. Maybe seeing the good in others is both my blessing and my curse. It is exactly what makes me think I trust too easily, but it’s also the part that allows me to see the raw humanity in others. That vulnerability… that is what makes life worth living.

That vulnerability, though, is exactly what terrifies me, because too often I open up and reveal everything, only to find that they never intended on staying in the first place. They use vulnerability to manipulate others and gain their trust… and I just DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. Because what kind of a life would I be living if I assumed every single human being was lying to me? Indestructible walls guarded by ice and insincerity are not structures around my heart that I have time to build. But what kind of a life would I be living if I trust everyone? I would be seen as naive and gullible… a dumb girl who can’t tell the difference between sincerity and manipulation.

So what am I supposed to do now? There’s this balancing act consisting of not revealing too much, but just enough to keep things interesting. Why? Why should I have to play games to have a shot at a real relationship. Why can’t I be open and honest without it being “too much” or without scaring people away. Because I feel like I can say and do all the right things and it’s never good enough. I can give people space, or I can be there when they need someone to listen. I can be what they need me to be. I can graduate from college, have a successful career, and want a family — do everything right. But it still isn’t good enough for people, or maybe it’s too much. Maybe I’m “overqualified”.

I don’t know anymore. I do know that I want a relationship, but I know I deserve more than to be dragged around. I know I deserve to be wholly and completely loved by someone. So where is he, because the man I thought I was talking to never showed up to the conversation. At first sign of emotional commitment, we’re “just friends”. So tell me this. Tell me why you were curious about my plans for the future. Tell me why you wanted to know when I wanted to have kids, or if I could see myself getting married, and tell me why you were so worried about losing me when you were showing me the most broken parts of you. Tell me… was it all an act? Did I waste my time and these months getting to know you and care about you simply for your convenience? Because you didn’t want to feel lonely?

Well guess what. I don’t either. Most people, I’ve found, don’t want to be lonely. But there’s so much more to not being lonely than simply filling empty space. Maybe you don’t want to give more than that, but I do. I do, and I’m not going to apologize for wanting something more than just a screen to talk to. So please, if you’re using me or can’t see a future with me, please just stop. Stop pretending. Stop stringing me along because you’re too afraid of your own company. Stop using me to validate your self worth, and stop treating me like an option when I’ve been trying to get you to see that I want you to be a priority. Because there’s a lot of things I feel I need in a relationship, but I certainly don’t need this.

Please stop...

An open letter to the one who expects me to leave…

Life is one messed up roller coaster, isn’t it? We start off as kids, waiting in line for what feels like centuries to ride this thing called “adulthood”, only to find that when we finally get on, we are in our mid to late twenties, completely exhausted, and not emotionally prepared to handle all the twists and turns that looked so glamorous just moments before. The hardest part? Knowing that once we are on, we never really get off. It just keeps going, and somehow gets longer in the process.

We are continuously riding that roller coaster, and I can see it’s toll on you. We haven’t known each other long, but I can hear it in your words. I can see it when your tone changes in your text messages, or when you go days without speaking to me. It’s hard. It’s hard because, whatever this is, was not something I expected to happen, and was not something I planned on having to emotionally factor into my life. People often say, “You’ll find love when you least expect it.” Now, I’m not a huge fan of agreeing with the masses. I tend to be my own person and make my own opportunities. But that statement? It hurts me how true it is, or at least how true I think it is.

At this point, wherever we are in this attempt or non-attempt at dating, we don’t owe each other anything. Because this hasn’t been defined. You don’t owe me an explanation and I don’t owe you my time. However, I have never been the kind of girl to rule on technicalities. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if I see the chance to have a good future or life with someone, who would I be to not try and pursue that potential happiness? Regardless of the new technology and the unspoken modern dating “rules”, I am starting to develop feelings for you, and I’m not going to ignore them out of fear of rejection or “moving too fast” or whatever other cliche you want to hear.

Because the honest-to-god truth is that I am not going anywhere unless you want me to. That is just who I am, and only time will show you that, if you choose to let it. Maybe we start off as friends and take it slow. My heart will adjust because if I care about you the way I think I do, and the way I want to, practicing patience will be worth it. But it will only be worth it if you think it will be, too.

If what you have told me is true, then you have been broken too many times to count. To the point where it sounds like you expect to stay broken. Your life has not been easy, and it won’t continue to be. It will be hard, and you will continuously go through new twists and turns, ups and downs. Opening up is hard, and maybe you don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t either. There is no way I can promise you an easy life with me, or that my potential love for you will make all your worries disappear. Simply put, that is not realistic. I understand that. I don’t expect to fix your problems and worries, but then again, I do not necessarily believe they need “fixing”.

For whatever reason, you trusted me. If that is as hard for you as you say it is, then please… please don’t push me away now. You have let me in, and I’m almost there — almost. But there’s this wall. One that, right now, you don’t want to let me pass, and that’s okay. Because I have walls, too… but you already know this. You know this because you wanted to hear my thoughts and hear my life stories, and I wanted to do the same for you. I still do. I still do, and that is where I keep getting push back. I want to learn more about you because there is so much more you have to learn about me. Like the fact that, if you choose to take the risk, I can promise I won’t leave you.

Now that’s a big promise, and probably a promise that people continuously make to you and then break — breaking you in the process. With everything we have shared to each other, there is little, at this point, that would deter me from continuing to pursue a relationship with you. If it truly is different with me, like you say it is, there is nothing you need to be afraid of with me.

But we are all human, and we all have our limits. I don’t mind waiting for you, because I know that if this has the potential I believe it has, everything we go through will be worth it. But we have our own lives, and we can’t just put them on hold while everything gets sorted out. I need to know that you want this to go somewhere, too. Because if you don’t, then what are we doing? What am I doing? I am a relationship girl. Strong connections, loyalty, and love completely engulf the way I live my life — despite every hardship I’ve faced. My relationships are the most important things in my life, and disregarding them simply because someone has a “past” or has made mistakes, just like everyone else, is not something I do. Because if I wake up one day and every material possession or job I had was gone, I would still have people in my life that make life worth living.

People only know where they are going because they know where they’ve been. I see your pain because I see my pain, too, but in the same step, I see your potential for happiness because I see mine, too. But it’s hard to put energy into someone who just keeps expecting me to leave, because how much longer do you need me to prove that to you? How many more days of absolutely no contact from you will it be before you find yourself in a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because I know that prophecy. They can’t leave you if you leave them first, and if they don’t try to reach out to you, that is only further “proof” they were going to  leave anyway. No. No it’s not. All that means is that you were too afraid to take a risk on someone who might actually be worth taking the risk for. Because the idea of someone you would choose every single day one day waking up and not choosing you back is too damn hard.

So stop expecting me to leave. Stop pushing me away, because if I had wanted to leave, I would have left already. I don’t. I don’t want to leave because I want exactly the opposite. I want to be with you, but I don’t like being stuck between feeling I shouldn’t have to prove myself to you and feeling like I simply need to give you time. Because if all you need is time, I have more than enough to give. So I need you to assume, if only for a moment, that I am not going to leave you, and then tell me what you truly want from me. Only then can we know what we are truly capable of.

This is what I see...

You pull up in the driveway after finally deciding that the wait was simply too much to bare. You stand outside my balcony for a small, but important moment before racing up four flights of stairs. All the while, thinking to yourself that this might not be worth it; you don’t know what you’re doing; and that I might not even answer.

Before you know it, you’ve knocked on my door three times and I’m right in front of you. For a split second, the smallest of moments, we stare into each other’s eyes. You see into my soul, and I see into yours. The world around us is absolutely still.

I don’t even know what is happening before your hands are in my hair and your lips are pressed against mine, releasing every ounce of tension in my body. The worries, the stress, and the sadness all seem to melt away.

Our feet somehow lead us to the bedroom, and it doesn’t take long before clothes are no longer necessary. Your arms wrapped around my waist and my hands in your hair. Your lust and my passion dissolve into each other to create a colorful fire that will ultimately burn through the night and only rise with sun.

And as it dims, there’s a sense of wholeness that rests on that one prolonged exhale… and we collapse into each others arms to await the morning. But in those moments, time stood still, and morning would simply have to wait.

As I watch you try to find her, all I want to do is scream that I can be what you need...

…and so much more

It’s All In My Head

I often catch myself smiling at nothing. Not nothing in the spiritual sense, but nothing in the material sense. Because what I am smiling at is all in my head. Picture perfect moments so small that they don’t even exist yet.

Scenarios and day dreams that often occur throughout the day, distracting me from work and friends, but in the most subtle way. In a way that, often, no one even notices.

I believe that these moments are a glimpse into happiness, my happiness. The truth that I can smile just by imagining simplistic moments allows me to see where I need to be to be truly fulfilled.

These moments don’t include new cars, big houses, or extravagant vacations. No, it’s usually another smile. Another set of eyes so intent on me that lets me know they will always be there.

It’s usually a song that sparks a slow dance in our kitchen, or an early morning as he hugs me from behind and I make breakfast. It’s usually an impromptu night in, where I lay on his chest, we listen to music and we divulge all our secrets and stories to each other. It’s usually a night outside, gazing at the stars or dancing under street lights; or running outside to be in the pouring rain, just the two of us. It’s usually just a look, and we become completely engulfed with each other.

I don’t ever expect them to materialize… to come to fruition. These are just moments in my head, after all. More so than not heavily influenced by media and fairytales. But at least I know one thing — my imagination still runs wild. If I have that, I will always be free. Free to live. Free to laugh. Most of all, free to love and be loved in return.

So here is to living in my mind, and being completely free.

My, How Things Change

One day you run into each other and start talking. You haven’t seen each other in years, but this chance encounter sparked something new.

Another day, his texts are making you smile like you haven’t in a really long time. You start feelings things and immediately become cautious, but think this might be worth it.

After that, the conversations go from fun-get-to-know-you questions to trying to define what everything is, and what exactly is happening. That’s when the fear sets in.

Your feelings turn from elation to anxiety in just a matter of text messages. That’s when you realize you weren’t really on the same page, and you hurt because you finally allowed yourself to feel something.

The last few weeks were going so well. You were flirting and opening up to each other, and it was so easy to have conversations. There was no awkwardness — at least, not until now.

So you fight for it because you think you can be happy. You have a conversation about it, like two adults, and you listen to each other. But the more you listen, the more he contradicts everything he’s been doing and saying. His flirting and openness suddenly are justified because he “tries to be nice to everyone”. He told you he wants to date, but he doesn’t want to “drag you into his life drama”.

Then the mood shifts. You step back a bit because maybe you had this whole thing wrong. You’ve been out of it for so long you start to question if it’s him, or if it’s you who can’t read the signals properly. Either way, you end up retracting your feelings. You don’t come off as confident, because now you worry about how he reads into your intentions.

And now you’re stuck — wondering how it even got to this point. Confused because everything was great until that one defining moment… You look back and wonder how things can change so quickly.

You’re stuck, but you also learned something. You learned you could feel something again, and that someone could feel for you, too. You learned that you are worth the attention and love you deserve, and that even though starting over might be hard, this might just be the step you need to soar in love again.

<3 

I would probably cry

rooftop scene

merely a dream