I do not own this comic. I did not come up with the idea or draw any of it. All rights go to the creator. Good job to whoever made this small comic.
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I’d have $6.30 right now
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question but the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong.
I’m giving up, drinking for a month.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No idiot… Cows go moo!
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.
“Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now”
Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:
“Comrades! You must not say these things! Don’t you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!”
The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.
“Really? Then how do you explain this?”
He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.
“I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please.”
And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.
The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.
Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.
Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.
“I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime.”
“B-but how come they didn’t take me?!”
“Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke”
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said “Fuck you.”
So I’m pretty excited for 2020.
Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, “Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?” The other one says, “Because he was afraid of capitalism.”
The whole bar died laughing
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
“How much is it to the airport?” he asks.
The driver says, “$15.”
“Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?”
The cab driver says, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
“How much to airport?”
“$15.”
“Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?”
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, “Hey how much to the airport?”
Driver responds, “$15.”
The guy hands him $15 and says, “Great let’s go!”
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children
Edit: 2
Edit: 1
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