Jelp

batfam incorrect quotes

part one of many, probably (last night gus is just. an episode to behold, tbh).

!!!!!!

Years ago I overheard (eavesdropped upon) a telephone conversation between a public parks official and a golf course owner.

Parks Official: No sir, you cannot

Parks Official: No. They are a protected species

Parks Official: You CANNOT shoot them

Parks Official: Or poison them, no. Or trap them

Parks Official: If you like, we can-- no, I'm it. I'm the ranking official here. There's nobody above me. My boss? You mean... the governor's office? Sure, I guess. Okay bye

After he hung up, he gave me this thousand-yard stare before answering my unvoiced question.

"There's a flock of flamingos at the 9th green disrupting golfers. He wanted permission to go out there with a shotgun and take care of matters, but sensed there might be... legal ramifications. So he called us."

I laughed. "Does that happen often?"

"Oh, we get calls like that a couple times a month."

Country clubs should be burned to the ground and their golf courses turned into community gardens i am 10000% serious

Was golf created for the sole purpose of hoarding ridiculously large amounts of land just to brag about how little they use it?

Yes, literally.

me, for many hours, every single day: gonna write now. any minute, i am going to close out all distractions and focus. i'm gonna focus so hard and put all the stories i have in my head on paper. here i go. here it comes. heeeeere it comes.

mutual recognition

Would you take his hand

Yes

If you people start giving Hobie Brown the Eddie Munson effect I'm going to start killing. His ass would not be listening to arctic monkeys be so fr

i like never do this & im sorry to hijack yr post (especially seeing as you are a person i do not know!!) but another thing im seeing on these playlists is an absolutely abysmal amount of black artists. spider-punk is and has always been a black character, and black people are frequently pushed out of alternative and subcultural spaces, so i'm going to offer some black punk artists i personally enjoy for i guess playlist consideration aimed towards some of the ppl in the notes, although this isn't definitive & hobie's taste will of course not necessarily be my own.

also to note before we get into this is that punk is a culture of resistance. hobie in specific (though i don't know how much of this will be part of his characterization in the spiderverse trilogy going forward---he's pretty different in atsv, which isn't a bad thing) has been depicted in the comics as a homeless teenager living under a fascist government. regardless of whether or not that depiction is accurate for this version of hobie is irrelevant for now; the point i'm making is that his attachment to punk is not purely aesthetic in nature. i think keeping the radical aspects of punk in general and of spider-punk in specific in mind are important when discussing the character.

anyway.

this post has gone on long enough you get the gist. & if you actually feel inspired enough to want to make a 100% accurate spider-punk playlist, get into your local scene and see what's playing there. it's what he would want, probably.

For your own peace of mind and sanity, don’t try to make sense of everything.

not enough secret gardens and hidden passageways and bookshelves that open to a mysterious library these days. get working on that girls.

ppl who oppose gender affirming care for kids are nuts like the extent of medical intervention for trans kids is maybe puberty blockers but they’ll still be like “SO UR SAYING WE SHOULD LET TODDLERS HAVE TOP SURGERY???????” barbara toddlers do not have a top to surgery

Saw someone asking "so do you endorse giving puberty blockers to five year olds?"

Friend, a five year old should not have puberty to block. If they do that's called precocious puberty and is the original reason puberty blockers were invented. If a five year old is going through puberty I absolutely endorse them being given puberty blockers

One of the most life-changing things I ever learned came from Mythbusters, where they tested and proved (with cognitive testing puzzles and reaction time tests) that lying down and resting with the intention to sleep STILL provided significant mental benefits over just staying awake, even if a person couldn’t fall asleep in the amount of time they had. 

It helps me to actually sleep to know that just lying down with my eyes closed is still doing me some good, and helps me to not freak out/beat myself up when I stay up later than intended. Any amount of rest is better than no rest!

So if you didn’t know that…now you do

There's a mistake I see a lot of people in the mental health community make and in all honesty, it's one I've made myself. But I think we should really work on it. And that's saying "if this were a physical illness, wouldn't you care?"

I've learned that no actually, people wouldn't care. Katelyn Weinstein (theADHDprincess on Twitter) is a neurodiversity acceptance activist who really put this in perspective for me. She said that it's actually more an issue of longevity than physical vs mental health.

If you're having a bad day people will generally be understanding. But when you're experiencing chronic depression and you have many bad days people lose sympathy.

In the same respect people may be understanding when you've broken a bone that will heal properly or when you have a cold that will go away soon in ways they simply won't understand when you have chronic pain or need to use a wheelchair. They may send chicken soup for a temporary situation, but when you need consistent accomodations it's an entirely different story.

I understand that from our perspective it looks like people care more about physical health than mental health, but it's good to remember that our own perspective is also limiting. Facing ableism doesn't mean you can't be ableist. And I know so many people are not ill-intentioned when they say this. I know I wasn't. But we can't discount the lived experiences of physically disabled people. If we want true equality we need to be united and we need to listen to those with physical disabilities and illnesses. And those with physical disabilities and illnesses (some of which are also invisible) have said that they are not given proper accomodations either.

So let's be united and fight for equality and accomodations for everyone, no matter what their illness or disability may be.

One of my favorite variations on the “Justice League Meets the Batfam” trope is the one where Dick, as Nightwing, joins the Justice League and makes Bruce suffer for it. Nightwing is unaffiliated with Batman so for all anyone knows Nightwing at most someone copying Batman’s philosophy in the neighboring city. More likely neither of them have ever spoken before. Bruce has to pretend like he doesn’t know His Son who is running around with the League. Dick is having a grand ole time being just a liiiiitle too familiar with Batman, not enough to blow their covers immediately but enough to make people confused and Bruce grumpy. Everyone thinks Batman is in the process of literally planning the murder of their new team member meanwhile Dick is in the Batcave getting yelled at about secret identities. He is clearly not listening to the lecture. Steph is behind Bruce mimicking his speech and acting innocent whenever he turns around. It’s great.

Dick knows he’s not the favorite child. Furthermore, he knows who the favorite is. He’s the only one who remembers Bruce as it was before Jason and after Jason. He remembers how Bruce was with Jason, how happy he was. He remembers Bruce without all that weight pressing on his shoulders, and he remembers Bruce right after the funeral. He knows, when he hears about Bruce letting Jason go, letting him get away with another crime, another murder, who the favorite child is. 

Jason knows he’s not the favorite child, and it’s not too fuckin’ hard to guess who is. Now, Jason was ‘gone’ for a little while, and missed some of it, but he knows. Oh yeah, he knows all about the perfect princess Cass, who can do no wrong, who’s killed and been forgiven for it, who will never, ever kill again. She’s too good at fighting, so Bruce doesn’t have to worry about her getting dead, and she listens to Bruce, so Bruce doesn’t have to worry about another mistake. Yes, he knows who the favorite child is. 

Tim knows he’s not the favorite child because it’s so obvious who is. Tim’s not the jealous type, it’s just an objective fact! Anyone with eyes can see the affection and care and love Bruce has for the murder-child–sorry, for Damian. Anyone can see how Bruce dotes on the youngest son, his constant reminder of Talia. Anyone can see how Damian’s skill impresses him, and it’s not that he thinks Bruce dislikes his adopted kids, but Tim knows that the fact that Damian’s got that Wayne blood–Martha’s nose–doesn’t hurt, either. It’s just..it’s just a fact, who the favorite child is. 

Cass knows she’s not the favorite child. She doesn’t think she’s the least favorite, or anything, but it’s pretty clear that the newest addition to their family is absolutely Bruce’s favorite. After all, would he break his no-meta rule–the most important rule–for anyone? Of course not. Cass remembers how Bruce was when Damian was a meta for a little while there, and Bruce is totally different with Duke! He even encourages his powers and offers to help train them! Duke is so smart and cool and funny, and Cass totally knows who the favorite child is. 

Steph knows she’s not the favorite child. Hell, she’s not even Bruce’s kid. She doesn’t really know who the favorite child is, but it sure as shit ain’t her. 

Damian knows he’s not the favorite child. How could he be, when his father specifically picked all the others and was just forced to keep him? No, his father’s favorite child is the one most like him–Drake. Drake is the smart one, and the Robin father chose, and the one who Damian’s own grandfather labels “detective”. And of course as Drake is the good one, the smart one, the one who doesn’t die or rebel or cause any problems, of course he’s the favorite. Damian understands his father too well, so of course he knows who the favorite child is. 

Duke knows he’s not the favorite child. He’s too new, and besides, if he were burdened with the title of “favorite”, he didn’t think he could stand it. No, it’s obvious that the oldest is the favorite. Dick–the one who started it all, the most talented, the one who’s been Batman. Dick, who always takes care of his siblings and always has a smile and a hug. Dick, who’s reliable and steady and pretty much perfect. Duke gets it, he really does. He likes Dick a lot too, so he can hardly blame Bruce. But yeah, Duke knows who the favorite child is. 

"Why does Batman need to be a billionaire?"

"He has to fund the Justice League. They often have a space program."

"But couldn't he do more good if he just invested-"

"The Earth is routinely invaded by aliens, gods, and the forces of an extraterrestrial god of tyranny."

He has, like, three charitable organizations he funds, named after his father, his mother, and Alfred.

Between both Bruce and Batman’s contributions, Gotham should be a better city than it is, and the only reason it isn’t is DC Editorial Mandate that basically says Gotham has to get worse and worse and worse or there’s no Batman stories they can tell (and, obviously, they have no other characters besides Batman).

There’s a reason Batman thinks the city is literally cursed.

I want to see Bruce Wayne go off

"Oh, oh, just charity my way out of dealing with the Penguin, a living, breathing 19th century Marxist's cartoon of the bourgeoisie? Just fund anti-Clayface measures? Crack down on corporations who put out shapeshifting cosmetics? What socio-economic pressures turn botonists into actual fucking dryads?! What inspires anti-animal terrorism? THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL KIND OF ECO-FASCISM!"

For the record, Gotham is canonically curse, because it sits on some sort of evil swamp. I think.

There are like, half a dozen curses. The Lazarus Pits are leaching into the water, Slaughter Swamp is an unconnected body of water a few miles outside of the city that also ressurects people (see Solomon Grundy), the Bat-demon Barbatos and his followers (the Court of Owls) have been fucking up the city psychically and financially, the malevolent influence of the warlock Doctor Gotham's tomb in the center of the city, the madness hypersigil of Amadeus Arkham (in Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth), there were several outposts of subterraneans and aliens beneath the city during the Silver Age, constant chemical warfare that makes it the equivalent of a WWI trench managed by MK-ULTRA, it's in New Jersey, and I think God just hates it

tired: Batman could do more good by running charities than by fighting criminals

wired: Batman could save literally every other city on the planet simultaneously with the amount of effort and resources he’s pumped into Gotham, which is a lost cause, but this is his city damnit.

Inspired: Batman’s diligence is containing the menace that is Gotham’s madness from escaping too far from city limits.

For all his billions, for all his activity, for all his efforts, Gotham is a bonfire fed by the madness of mortal people, cultivated by dark powers and just existing there makes living souls like kindling for it. And left to its own devices,it’d become a breeding ground for supernatural unrest that no mere social service system or social awareness of activist campaign, no government program, no actions of a singular vigilante, could ever hope to undo.

Batman is single handedly if need be but fortunately not alone so often, holding back the noxious psychic influences of warp and wyrd entities and what they do to the very environment and landscape through the power of sheer, unbridled humanity.

Ascended: Gotham is containing Batman, because the forces of evil, consciously or not, have figured out that if let loose, this motherfucker and his sprawling adoptive family would've solved every crime in the world ever, so they throw literally everything they have at his home town in hopes that he stays there.

Because they were foolish and let Alan Scott escape. They aren’t making that mistake again.

What if Gotham is the pump?

Like. What if, because Gotham is such a shitshow, anyone looking to improve their lives has their eye on being able to move out of Gotham, so whenever Bruce Wayne's charitable endeavors come somebody's way, they take it, pack their bags, and move the fuck away, and take that money with them.

Meanwhile there's an ongoing influx of people to Gotham primarily because they're flat broke and real estate in Gotham is dirt fucking cheap because it's a shitshow, and there's always places hiring because 1) they've got Bruce Wayne money to try to make a difference, 2) there's no shortage of places that need to be fixed up a little, and 3) villains are always in the market for new henchpeople.

So you're a broke millennial from any other town in the country, and you have student loans, a job that hasn't kept up with inflation, and your landlord has raised the rent three times this year so far and it's eating up two-thirds of your paycheck. You look for housing on the internet and discover that one-third of your paycheck will get you the mortgage for an actual house in Gotham, a house you own and will never have to deal with your scummy rentjacking landlord again. And Wayne Industries is hiring, and so are sixteen different disaster remediation places, and six staffing services with a sort of weird vibe to them but they offer benefits, since when do temp agencies do benefits, and sure the crime rate is high but the rest of the world's heading in that direction anyway, especially if you're homeless, which you're gonna be in like four months if that jackass your landlord raises the rent one more time, so get in losers, we're going to Gotham!

And you settle into your bigger-than-expected apartment and get a job that brings you a comfortable paycheck and you learn to live with the terrorist attacks and the explosions and the gunfire and the neighbors and the drunken billionaire swimming in the restaurant fountain, and you pay off your student loans, buy a car, suffer a few months' unemployment when your boss goes to jail for trying to assassinate the mayor and then your partner loses their job for a few months when the office gets smothered in a jungle's worth of climbing plants and you develop hospital bills when you both get caught in a hallucinogenic terror gas eruption at the mall, but hey, you'd be homeless by now in any other city, so you live with it.

And then it's a few years later and you're wanting to start a family, but the neighbor three doors down owns pet hyenas and the park was firebombed last week and someone froze all the water pipes and you crashed your car into one of the impromptu ice sculptures and you'd really like your kids to grow up in a normal city where they don't have to receive advice like "don't talk to strange plants."

So you visit one of the social work offices and get yourself a bit of assistance, save up your money, sell your house for the price of a down payment to the sort of incoming fool you were six years ago, and use your polished resume to get yourself a job someplace that doesn't have What To Do If Clown Attack on their safety training syllabus.

You came, you left, and Gotham remains. A shithole.

This is a really well thought out way in what keeps Gotham moving. Sure there’s the people that have been there they’re whole lives, families that go back generations, but these are reasons people move in. The kind of people that want out. And maybe are desperate enough to take that Job hunching.

It’s also weird to see my pithy response circle around over 20 times and end up back on my dash…

When the glimmering hope continues against the tide of the hopeless.

When the glimmering

hope continues against the

tide of the hopeless.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

Lois buys Clark a "Not to say I'm Superman but Superman and I have never been seen together in the same room" shirt because it's the funniest thing she's ever seen and Clark wears it because it's also the funniest thing he's ever seen. They are made for each other.

Superman has a shirt that’s identical except it says “Not to say I’m Clark Kent but Clark Kent and I have never been seen together in the same room” and he wears it as Superman to acknowledge the popular meme that he, the godlike alien, and that random reporter from Kansas are the same person. The internet think he’s the funniest person on Earth. Bruce hates him with his whole being because STILL NOBODY GUESSES HIS SECRET IDENTITY even though he’s WEARING a SHIRT that SAYS IT RIGHT THERE

Bruce Wayne once got called to jury duty and said he shouldn't be on the jury because he was Batman and had caught the guy going to trial. He couldn't lie about who he was, he was under oath! Bruce would think this was hilarious.

He's an honest boy. An upstanding citizen.

"rise and grind" okay uhhh rest and jest. bitch

reblogging SPECIFICALLY for the End Note which is widely applicable

Art by u/reachling

"do you seriously think you're above the rules" the stupid ones yeah

if you want me to follow the rules you have to make sure they're not stupid. this isn't a difficult concept to grasp.

i may be a fail guywoman but i would make an awesome housecat