I keep ending up w mean boyfriends.

Never mean enough to hit on me.

It’s usually verbal.

Niggas completely unable to control their temper.

And me.

From smiles, peace, & butterflies to fight, flight, or fawn.

I’m exhausted.

& I think I accidentally connected the dots during a conversation with a friend.

Leave it to me to be great at intellectualize my feelings instead of successfully making the changes I need to make lol

Instead of healing lol

Knowing better and being so stuck in my trauma responses that I’m not doing better.

Lmaooooooooo

Sucks for me. 🙄

It’s the constant fight I have to have when I know I should do something, but can’t.

I will put off a doctor visit until I literally cannot take it any longer.

Or else one day the stars align just right so that I find it in me to finally be productive in my self care.

Then some dumb ass shit’ll happen.

Liiiike, my Dr’s staff incorrectly verifying insurance and being on the third attempt and the insurance comp is still rejecting the $550 claim. 🙃

Orrrr like I’m finally finding a primary care physician and setting the damn appointment (BECAUSE YAYYYYYY ONLINE APPOINTMENT SETTING 🥳), but it thinks I’m a fucking robot:

I TRULY hate it here. 🥲

I’m tryna get past this dumb ass phase where I’m letting everything fucking go at my expense.

The audacity of me to feel bad about not wanting to talk to shitty people.

The gall…to literally feel guilt for calling shitty people what they are.

It’s beyond me.

I’m tired of my gahdamn self.

I am giving myself grace.

I know it’s a trauma response.

I know this was the way that a younger me coped with trauma.

But I don’t have to do that anymore.

We’re okay.

We’re safe.