Hey, do you know that feeling of hitching up a long skirt so you don’t fall on your face when walking upstairs, and then you immediately become a wretched yet resolute Jane Austen character? It’s a universal thing, right?

It’s like resting a laundry basket against your hip and suddenly you’re a long-suffering peasant woman, wondering if you’ll survive the winter.

a shawl wrapped around the shoulders and you’re wandering the moors in a Brönte novel, feeling melancholic

Looking out the window at the rain and you’re a love-stricken newlywed wondering when your husband will return from the war.

Long skirt billowing behind you while to go down the stairs, you’re a proper Lady in a flowing ball gown being introduced at a fancy social function.

Hair blowing in the wind and suddenly you’re hovering on a cliff by the sea, staring out into the waves and praying your merchant husband will return from his voyage across the ocean

Hood up against the rain and wind and you’re a medieval abbess defying the weather and travelling on foot with your people to find a place to establish a new community.

the thing that pisses me off about 50 shades of grey isn’t that it’s twilight fanfiction, it’s that it’s bad ooc twilight fanfiction. the implication that edward would be into bdsm is so fucking dumb he’s a 100 year old virgin who cried and went into a week-long depression the first time he fucked bella he wouldn’t even consider the idea of fucking her until they were married because he didn’t want to compromise his virtue and you’re telling me he’s a dom? no, edward cullen has the most boring vanilla sex ever the only thing unconventional about the way bella and edward fuck is that bella tops and edward cries the whole time and bella gets fed up and goes to the other house to fuck rosalie and edward cries some more in his room alone

Bella: I want you to slap my butt and pull my hair an-

Edward, already crying: Bella, I LOVE you, why would I do that?

disney can remove shang from the live action mulan movie but they will NEVER be able to erase the fact that in the original movie shang was clearly attracted to mulan when he thought she was a guy and is therefore bisexual

“Everybody Wants To Rule The World” by Tears for Fears needs to be in Stranger Things 3

That’s all I’m saying

Get ready for this beefy boy

Here’s the beefy boy.

I hate when u say “deja vu” out loud n someone ur with goes “what was it?” Like bitch we all can barely communicate the most straightforward ideas without utter confusion and chaos…..u rly believe it is within my capacity to explain exactly what fleeting moment of temporal embodiment made me feel like a vague reincarnated ghost girl trapped in a child’s dream??? Surely u are mistaken.

This is a result of the inhumane decisions that members of this administration want you to be silent about in public for fear of a loss of “civility”.

The tragedy of Janet

It is 2015 and you are Janet, the average Tumblr user, a White American girl in the age bracket of 17-22 (conditions sufficient but not necessary). Your life kinda sucks: Donald Trump is running for president, capitalism is destroying everything, including itself. It is a time of changes on a global scale and you don’t understand any of them. You don’t have a partner because of your insufferable personality and irrational sense of entitlement.  You log in everyday on Tumblr dot com to spread the Holy Word: “Men are trash,” you type furiously on the keyboard; “the Straights are at it again!” You have a fair amount of followers and the number grows exponentially when you display your innate ability for in-depth political analyses. “Anyways,,, Nazis are bad,” you write, and your followers go nuts because their guru has spoken. “Wow, I can’t believe Nazis were bad! Thank you for educating me.” You shed a tear. Your opinion finally, finally counts something. I’m so smart, you think, as you proceed to write another post about toxic masculinity and White people. You are Tumblr famous now.

Like any average Tumblr user in the 17-22 age bracket, you are in the Marvel fandom stanning Straight White Male characters played by Straight White Male actors with mediocre acting skills who probably only managed to land the role because of their pretty face, something that doesn’t usually happen to Black and non-White actors in general. You feel a twinge of guilt in your stomach, so you rant everyday about the lack of representation in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The production of Black Panther is announced and relief flows through you: soon, you will be able to keep thirsting after that Straight White Male dick and reblog Black Panther gifsets to wash away your guilt and prop up your wokeness. You change your username in lesbian-steve-rogers and call it a day. You are a Tumblr Queen.

In late 2015 Star Wars: The Force Awakens dir. JJ Abrams comes out. It’s a 5/10 movie, copypaste of A New Hope and too Marvel-ish but prequels were even worse so it evens out. However, something happens: you notice that some people are actively shipping Rey and Kylo Ren together and it’s as if Christmas has come a week early. You feel it’s your time to shine. “lmfaooooo are you guys… for real? Shipping this??” and again, “is this,,,,, what Straight people do???”. You bless your followers with in-depth 100% accurate analyses of the movie: “Rey is Luke Skywalker’s daughter,” you explain to your followers, who would believe anything you say without questioning it. “Kyle Ron is a school shooter.” “Kylo Ren is actually an incel.” You try to remember that English class you took in high school. “There is enough textual evidence to agree that Kylo Ren browses /pol/ on a daily basis and he’s intended as a metaphor for alt-right 4chan Pepe posters.” You trust the teachings of Calvinism. Predestination is real, and Kylo Ren is irredeemable and set for eternal damnation. “I can’t wait for Rey to kill Kyle Ron, dance on his corpse and make out with Finn.” Your knowledge of psychology and statistics is remarkable, even though you have not even graduated college. “People shipping Reylo are more likely to condone abusive relationships, I know for sure there is causal effect because it happened to my cousin after watching Twilight.” That’s it. You’ve put the entire American Psychological Association to shame. Your argument goes viral after TheMarySue publishes it and the Harvard Business School is considering offering you a place in the Statistics department given your exceptional ability to critically analyse phenomena and solve once and for all that annoying OVB problem. It’s time for you to drop the final bomb. “Reylo shippers hate women,” you write. “The tea is hot today,” your followers reply enthusiastically. You are a Tumblr God.

Two years later Star Wars: The Last Jedi dir. Rian Johnson comes out and you walk into the theatre ready to watch Kylo Ren twirling mustache doing Nazi stuff. The movie begins and something feels off. Yo mama jokes. Kyle does not kill his mother? You start sweating, and suddenly you feel catapulted in another reality where you are a Brazilian football fan watching the FIFA World Cup 2014 semifinal Brazil v Germany on the stands. Rey and Kylo Ren start acting friendly towards one another and every scene is a new nightmare. The Force is connecting them and Muller scores the first one. “You’re not alone” “Neither are you” and Klose and Kroos score three goals in four minutes. Rey ships herself to him? Khedira scores another. Throne room scene and Schurrle scores twice and makes it 7-0, but then Kyle is being Kyle again and Oscar makes it 7-1. You’re shaking. You’re David Luiz crying in front of the press. This is Trump’s America, you think, seething. You go back home and log into Tumblr dot com, almost smashing your keyboard. “Rian Johnson retire bitch.”

Six months into 2018 and Reylo is kinda mainstream and well-received by critics, but it’s not over yet. “JJ will retcon everything and make Kylo Ren and Rey switched at birth,” you say to your followers, now a little bit concerned. “Mark Hamill hates The Last Jedi,” you write. “Rian Johnson is a Nazi apologist.” “Daisy Ridley hates Adam Driv*r ugly ass.” It’s a conspiracy, you know it. You can’t be wrong. You channel your inner Larry shipper. “JJ wanted to make Rey Skywalker but Ruin Johnson stepped in and ruined everything.” But now there is a tingle in the back of your neck. Fear. Rey and Kylo Ren might really end up sucking face in the end. Your credibility is at stake. What do?

Suddenly, Spike Lee comes to your rescue: in his new movie, Adam Driver is a Jewish cop who goes undercover in the Ku Klux Klan.

Adam Driver dressed as a KKK member. Your brain cells start working and come up with what must be the undeniable truth. You muster your wokeness and, once again, you log into Tumblr dot com to spread the Holy Word.

“Adam Driver is a White supremacist ya’ll.”

Your job is done here.

It is time to catch up with Voltron now. Klance is endgame for sure, Sheith is a pedo-Satanic ship and there is no way Lance really likes Allura.

Maybe.

“this character did a problematic thing-” its a story helen, commonly including things like conflict and drama

The Adventures of Chewie-the-Wook

OMG<3

The most adorable thing ever. I needed this tonight.

They’re actually their characters

Well this is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Interviewer: Tell us about your relationship with Robert Downey Jr on set. Jude Law: Oh, I love him. I love him. Interviewer: Yeah? You had a bit of a bromance going on there. Jude Law: What is this new term everyone is using? Interviewer: Bromance? Jude Law: Oh, it’s a horrible term. What about just a romance? Interviewer: No, it’s not the same. Jude Law: Why not? Why? Interviewer: Cause then you’d have to star in a romantic comedy together or something. Jude Law: We just have. Have you not seen it? [x]

Jude Law does not have time for any of that ‘No Homo’ bullshit…

FuCK JUDE LAW WENT FROM 0 TO 100 REAL QUICK

bless

do we all remember this iconic scene? i sure hope we do!

he’s an fucking idito I’m havfigng a a stroeke

via weheartit

hey everybody who’s in high school rn, in less than ten years its literally going to feel like a bad dream. like its not gonna feel even vaguely real. hang in there

not even ten years. like 3 days after graduation

ten mins after u walk out

walking across the stage it’s not real anymore

one time i got a sample from the tea store at the mall and as i walked away the guy said “tea you later” and then his coworker smacked him

Okay, it’s funny, but imagine this…

You go back to the tea store, and the guy’s there again. Every time you visit, when he’s on shift, he’s always telling you tea-related puns, hoping to make you laugh, even if it annoys his coworker.

Finally, one day, you pick up a large of your favorite hot tea to enjoy during the random cold spell in March, and as you’re walking away, something on the cup catches your eye…

“Keith’s too shy, so here: He thinks you’re cute. Give him a call sometime.xxx-555-xxxx (He’s the ‘tea you later’ guy)”

And okay, I really need a tea store AU right now, please.

Customer is Lily, co-worker is Sirius; and I cannot stress enough how much tea pun guy is James.

@elanev91 please write this.

Son of a bitch