Lost

I have an exam tomorrow. I am tired from studying and yet all i think about is you. I stalk you like 5 times a day. I get flashbacks and i get mental breakdowns. It's been months and i still passionately love everything about you. Fuck you asshole.

I have realized i don't share much about my life and literally no one knows what's going on. So i will try to sum up my fucked up life. I am depressed for no fucking exact reason but maybe it's because of all what i am going through. I don't want to be the one who self diagnose themselves with mental illnesses but i self diagnosed myself with anxiety and depression, i have to because i just can't go to a doctor. I can't tell my parents hey i am mentally fucked up can i see a doctor. Why?

1. They will be worried and ask questions I don't want to answer

2. We are in a financial wreck and this is the big reason, i don't want them to pay alot for me.

That brings us to the financial part. As i mentioned we are in a financial crisis so i don't have the brivilage to ask for anything. I already feel like a burden for being in an expensive university and they have to pay alot for my education but thank god it's the last semester. I don't get a pocket money i only have money for my transportation. I feel like a burden to the level that if i crave some chips I don't buy myself one, this is how guilty i feel. My dad is sick, the leukemia is getting bad again and we don't have enough money for a chemo session. He had to go to a local hospital to ask for governmental support but he got rejected. My mom is always stressed out because of this and beacuse my grandmother is driving her crazy so she just pour all her stress on me.

I won't talk alot about my love life but this break up is strongly affecting me and i haven't stopped thinking about him even a bit. I am still a hopeless stalker waiting for someone that have probably moved on.

I am very sick right now and I don't know is it because of stress or something else but i am always nauseated, have no appetite,my stomach hurts most of the time, and i have lost alot of weight. The doctor said i should do an endoscopy because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. It's expensive so i told them to forget about it and that i will be fine.

Everything is stressing me out and it's hard and i am slowly starting to give up that it will get better.

It's the night again. The time when i feel like the world is so dark and cruel. It's just me, alone in my bed, thinking why i am not good enough. It's only me and my dark thoughts. My thoughts are telling me right now to just give up. No one likes this introvert mysterious girl with anxiety and extreme mood swings. They want the fun one, the one who laughs alot and is lovely. They don't want the dark side of this depressed girl. But no one can handle the storm inside my head. If they could only just live in my head for a second maybe they will understand. They will know how hard it is to hide it and only show the good side but lately I can't fake it. There's a huge weight on my chest and I can't pretend it doesn't exist. But it doesn't matter because no one have to handle this bullshit. i have learnt the hard way that it's my bullshit and i should take care of it. I don't know what else to say for tonight but i will just pray for this misery to end soon because this is not going to end well.

Hey it's me again. I came here because this is the safest place to be cringe in. I want to vent because i feel like I'm going to explode so i have to dump my mind somewhere. Let's start with how much of a wreck i have become. I have no one to talk to, no energy to do anything, and no hope for life. Now let's move to the shittiest part, I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL. I AM NUMB. I just don't feel anything but my heart is heavy at the same time which drives me crazy. My thoughts are fucked up and contradicted and I can't tell what's right or wrong. I wish i could find peace and silence inside of me because i feel like i am in a race. Always anxious. I HATE MY ANXIETY. I hate how i feel. I hate how my heart is always palpitating for no fucking reason. I hate how my chest is always heavy. I hate how my stomach is always upset. I hate how i am always in a fight and flight mode. I hate how this doesn't stop. I hate how i can't control it. I hate that i can't explain it. I hate that i can't ask for help. I hate everything.

I miss you as fuck.i have no where else to go and i can barely stop myself from texting you so i gotta let it out somewhere.

Days are passing by. It's supposed to be less heavy but it gets harder everyday. My feelings are so complicated. It's anger, sadness, weakness,longing, selfpity and self-hate. All packed up and it's making this huge stone over my chest. Sometimes i feel okay and that everything is finally getting easier and the next minute i am in my bathroom crying. I don't know how i got this far but i am being dragged into a really dark path. For example i have a midterm tomorrow and instead of studying i am thinking about you. Why the hell i am thinking about? I don't even cross your mind anymore, you don't talk to me. I am this toxic ex you hope you never met. So, i should move on. I should give up to that fact that you don't love me anymore. But my mind just can't figure out that. Ughh i hate how i feel this mixed feelings at the same time it's driving me crazy :(. I even don't act normal and i can't hide it anymore in front of people. I miss you but i am so mad at you at the same time. I am so mad that you fucked up this, that you don't love me anymore. I never imagined something like this could ever happen so i am just shocked. I hate you but i still love. For your information, fuck you cause it's your loss. For my information, fuck me cause i lost you. See you in another dimension dear.

I know it's been a long time and i should get used to your absence but i just miss you so much

It's okay for you now but i just can't live without you. No matter how much i try to stay away i always find my way back like i am hypnotized.

I will always love you no matter what happens.

I am so mad at my friend to the extent that i am going to hate her soon. And i never hated anyone in my life but the fact that i feel this towards her makes me hate myself more because i don't want to feel this. I always felt peace towards people even the one who hurt me but why her? Maybe because i thought she was someone else and got shocked by her truth. Maybe because i loved her or maybe because she just reminds me of my stupid old self. Anyway i end up thinking that i shouldn't be mad because i am ugly anyway and don't deserve to be loved and that she is better off without me. Anyone is better off without me.

I only wish i was easy to love. This cute funny girl who makes everyone smiles just by her existence but hahahaa

Please just save me from my demons

I am talking nonsense i know and maybe if i have anything good in me i would destroy it with my pathetic thoughts but i just can't stop them i am sorry. Send help.

I am torn. Someone came and tore my heart out of its place and left it out in the open. I find the word my heart is torn is more powerful than broken. It describes how violently it was hurt and damaged. But the question is, who the fuck loves me in this world?

I don't know why i feel that my end is near.