fuckin-problem-deactivated20190
ignorance
“Promise you I’ll never leave your side”
— Follow You - Bring Me The Horizon (via adrenaline)
the hardest thing is understanding.
it’s so hard understanding why you never text me back. it’s so hard understanding how you can read every message and still have the strength to not text back. it’s so hard understanding why you don’t miss me the way I miss you. it’s hard understanding why you can’t tell me why you’re so angry with me when you know it will help the both of us. It’s hard understanding why you won’t allow yourself to think about the good times and only the bad. I am trying my hardest to understand.
Why won’t you allow yourself to feel again? why are you hiding every emotion away? why can you talk to everybody else about how you feel, but not the person that deserves to know?
you ignoring me and you pushing me as hard as you’re pushing will only end things worse. if you truly want me to let go, then why can’t you tell me? why can’t you tell me to go find someone else? To go love someone else? To go life my life without you? To let go? just tell me.. if that’s truly what you want like you say you do, then tell me. Actually say it.
how can you ignore me and say you can’t be with me, but can’t tell me to let go?
you wanna hurt me, I know you do, you wanna bring me all the pain I brought upon you the last year and a half and honestly it’s working. I know I didn’t appreciate you. I didn’t work my ass off to keep a job.. I made you do it alone. I know I didn’t tell you that I appreciated you. Or show you how thankful I was. I know I was always sad and depressed. I know I never asked you about yourself. And when I did you never felt comfortable to actually tell me. I never allowed myself to be happy with you. I never opened my eyes enough to even see why you didn’t wanna have sex with me. I was too stuck in my own insecurities to even think it had nothing to do with me. I wasn’t always nice. I said mean things and I was always the one that let you fight for me. I never fought for you. right when we broke up I let someone sit on my lap. someone you didn’t trust. I followed stupid people on Instagram. I turned my emotions off. I told you to leave me alone when all you wanted was to know that we were in this together and it wasn’t just you fighting for us. I know why you’re so angry. I know why you can’t be with me. I know you love me no matter what you say, you just aren’t ready to be in such a toxic relationship again and once again I understand. I don’t expect you too. But I also learned is the first step to actual growth is to not focus on the things the other person did, but focus on what you did. I have to let go of how you made me feel in the past and the things you did. You can no grow if you’re feeled with anger. You have to let it all go. I know the mistakes I have made and that’s something I have to deal with everyday. And that’s the things I have to truly work on and better. that’s was the point of this right? To grow? how can you grow when all you are thinking about and angry about is the mistakes I made? You can’t better me, only I can, so why think about the mistakes I’ve made other then the ones you made?
I forgive you. I forgive you for not being here for me.. I forgive you for being so mean and heartless towards me.. I have too. I can’t hold on to that. You’re hurt and you deal with pain in your own way, just like I do. But the way we deal with it isn’t okay and you know that...
Forgive me.. not for me, but for yourself. Let it go. Go find yourself. Go work on the things you did that weren’t okay in our relationship and things you did that you don’t agree with in general. don’t focus on what I did wrong, only you. And I will do the same.
Please remember why you loved me. Remember why you let yourself open up to me, more than you had ever opened up to anyone. Remember how it felt to be wrapped up in bed in each other’s arms. Remember the car journeys when you’d put on your songs and we’d both sing along, not a care in the world. Remember the hours on FaceTime where we’d call just to see each other’s faces. Remember our future we had talked about so many times. Remember how horrible every goodbye was because we couldn’t bare being apart. If you remember everything that made us so special, and remember just how good it felt to be so in love, how can you say you don’t want it anymore. You don’t want those feelings anymore? How can you not want that happiness?
- 02.17am
I miss you…
I miss waking up to your sleeping face and hearing your sleepy voice.
I miss having you in the passenger seat when I’m driving and singing to our favourite songs together.
I miss you holding me in your arms.
I miss the smell of you that lingered I’m your clothes and on my bedsheets.
I miss your kisses.
I miss laying on your sofa, cuddling you and your dog.
I miss our arguments about who loved the other more; I guess I win.
I miss the feeling of hugging you and feeling like everything was okay.
I miss playing with your hair.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss your laugh.
I miss waking up to a text from you in the mornings.
I miss the happiness you gave me.
I miss falling asleep hugging you.
I miss watching our favourite shows together.
I miss hearing you tell me that you love me.
I miss your awful jokes that always made me laugh, no matter how hard I tried not to.
I miss your arms.
I miss the feeling of being so in love that nothing else mattered.
I want to be there for you. On the days when you’re upset and I rub my fingers down your back, telling you it’ll be okay. On the good days when you’re happy and something good happened that day, and I listen to you talk about it. On the days when you’re sick, or simply out of it. I want to be there for you, always, no matter what, because I know you’d do the same for me.
You will never understand the endless nights i had crying over you. The nightmares, the constant reminders, i can’t deal with it anymore. I will never meet another girl like you. You were my number one supporter. You made me believe in myself. You made me feel like all things were possible. But, you moved on. You will never come back and that thought stabs me. There will never be an Us ever again. My 11:11 wishes always end up back to you. Maybe it was never our time. I miss you. I’ve never missed someone so much. You will always have my heart.
- Malachi
Source: silent-surfing
I’d do it all over again just for a little more time with you.
-let’s go back to the start
“Admit it, just this once. That you think about them all the time and when you finally see them you hold your breath. That they’re your first thought in the morning and your last thought before bed. That when you here a funny joke they’re the first person you want to tell. Just this once, admit you’re in love with them.”
— AF Montesino
Missing you is not what hurts. It is knowing that I had you and lost you.
“You ask me if I’m ticklish and poke at my waist. And I grab your hands, laughing, smiling.”
— just another excuse to touch you