I don't know how I feel. I never gave myself alone time to figure myself out. I still don't even know how I want my life to be. As much as I have changed, a lot of my personality today was built during our time together. I have purposefully thrown away opportunities to love the way I loved you and I just don't think I can extend myself and be vulnerable that way with anyone. I haven't even come close to that level of comfort again. I spend so much time with people but when I'm alone long enough I just start marinating in dust from the past. People and activities are a temporary distraction that I grow tired of so quickly. I can't tell anyone how I feel. I don't know if I'm making mistakes or if I just am who I am. I'm in a hotel room alone and it just makes me think of you. I hadn't really looked to the stars in a while, but I looked up only a few days ago just to look for Orion's belt.

It's been almost 6 years and I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself for feeling this way. I feel like a part of me I can't control is forcing me to be reminded so constantly and it sucks. One of the last things you said to me was that you will think about me every day and I can't forget that either. To me, you are still the stars and all the wonder I have ever felt when I see them.

Last night we saved the world together as I slept. It had been a week since I last thought of you, maybe a year since I last dreamt of you. Now it's as if you were just next to me a few hours ago, as best friends on a journey with short moments to catch up on who we've become over the last half decade. It feels like I lost two years of progress, though I've learned how to avoid regressing too far over these last few years. My eyes are still filled with wonder. I still seek adventure but my path has become so narrow that I might start to understand why you did what you did. Our fleeting moment of gravitational pull on this earth was my life's greatest adventure, an experience so great that it often comes to mind when I seek to reflect on happiness. I wonder if there's a reason you haunt my dreams when life has all but moved on completely. I wonder if there's a reason for anything and everything now. There's a passenger in my mind that's stuck in place and frozen in time. I continue to wish that it didn't have to be that way while the rest of me continues through space and time. I wonder if I'll ever be happy for an extended period of time without being forced to confront these feelings, or if there's a reason for it all.

It's been a while. A long time, actually.

13 June 2019

I flew a thousand miles on a debit card

Money never mattered, every move I made was out of love for you

When you left I tried to end it all but courage was my key

Sometimes it's hard not to throw it on the shelf

Changing my life was the best way to move on from you

My habits became destructive, I still blame it on myself

We were young lovers and life had a lot in store for you

I wonder where we'd be if you had never left

I feel like sometimes you might question your decision too

It's been two years since we last spoke, this lingering is ridiculous

I guess I'm stuck believing that we made the perfect pair

I could go on but nothing I say matters when it comes to this

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see you there

We're dust in the wind, scattered, relationship irreparable

Sometimes I forget about you like I never cared

I move on to a point but further I'm incapable

Sometimes a month goes by and it's like you never existed

I've found love again, moved on in the daylight

Every move I make is out of love for her

But sometimes you still haunt my dreams at night.

-anónimo

Day 3

I made this to document losing love, and maybe to help get over it.