Patience.
Take away looks, take away money. Take away the past. Forget about opinions and arguments. Does she make your heart happy? Does she make every day worth living? If so, never give up. Never let that go.
I was just thinking about how awesome my parents are. I am so fortunate to have had them raise me. I'm glad to be close with my dad again. It really feels great having a good relationship with him. Just wanted to say that I love you guys.
Lately I've been so caught up in doing nothing. Honestly ever since I got my computer cord in I've been so much less productive. I feel like I need to limit the amount of time I spend on it. I've been really stressed about money lately too. I'm trying to save and pay off college right now but I waste so much and I'm trying to help my friends out, too. I really need to focus on my spending. I could just make some ramens instead of buying 23$ worth of delivery pizza 3 times a week. That's 75 dollars that could go to savings or college money. I think I want a girl in my life. But I don't. I miss cuddling with someone more than anything. Over sex and dating. I'm pretty happy with my group of friends. We all help each other out whenever we can. It's a second family to me and I love that. I wish I could see Emma more frequently than I do. We're both really busy at this stage of life and it sucks. I often think about Lilly and Shayne and how much I like them, but why? They make me sad more often than not. I have nothing else to say tonight.
The newness is fading, the change is over. Life is becoming duller with each passing day. I'm excited for the next chapter.
My friends are lonely when I'm not and I'm lonely when they aren't. I wish everyone could feel happiness simultaneously. I suppose you can't enjoy a sunny day without some rainy ones. I never liked that saying. I definitely prefer rainy days. I feel cleansed after a rainy day. I love taking walks in the rain. Plus, my allergies never act up when it rains. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for in life. Right now I have a great group of friends, a job I enjoy, and a very supportive family. I'm not that excited to go back to school. I know it's going to suck. I need to, though. If I want to fulfill my dreams of moving to Cali and supporting a family - I need to go back. I have a poor work ethic on things that don't interest me. That worries me. If something catches my interest, though... I'll become obsessed and be the best I can at it. I have a lot of talent that I don't give myself credit for. I have a strategic mind and I'm good at working out problems of any sort. I can make school a competition. I can find how each subject relates to something I'm passionate about. I can connect my future dreams to my current prerequisites. I know I have the ability to graduate. I will graduate.
I like this girl more and more each day. :) things are going great. Life is good. I'm happy.
Haven't journaled for a while. I got a new job. It feels good. I get to dress up instead of wearing the same ugly polo every day and cleaning toilets. I got glasses. I cut my hair. People look at me different at work. In a good way. I was planning on going back to hawkeye for business administration. It pertains to my current job, lots of places to move up where I am. I'll get 2000 dollars reimbursed each year too since I work full time. I still have to finish paying my debt from my first year though. That's a bummer but my dad said he'd help me any way he can. I have pretty awesome parents. I'm still into Lilly. Nobody else has really come close. I've gotten a lot better about not getting upset about it. I'm trying not to be creepy about it. I think it's stupid to give up on love. I'm not going to deny love, but I have no interest in looking for anyone else. I'm going to wait patiently while she discovers herself. I've learned how to be happy by myself. She's in England right now. I'm glad that she's fulfilling her dreams. Trying to think what else is new. Tried some stuff and it was alright but I don't think I will ever again. Weed gets worse every time I smoke it. My anxiety gets pretty bad when I do any drug. I'm a control freak. I can't think of anything else.
I'll never give up. You'll never give in. Wonder what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object..?
Today was a good day. I felt fine. I only snoozed my alarm once. I got up earlier than usual and actually went to my appointment. I'm starting some new medication that I'm really looking forward to. It takes a few weeks to kick in but I'm optimistic about it. I didn't bring you up at all today. I thought about you a lot, but I didn't say anything out loud. Last night I hung out with a girl. She's really sweet but she's also super clingy. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I also don't want to date her. I'm currently listening to sad music. I think it might be my favorite. I've bought a lot of new clothes lately. A lot for me, anyways. One of my favorite coworkers got a new job and I'm really happy for her, but it will make my job less enjoyable. I still haven't heard from the other job I interviewed for. I think I interviewed well, but I'm not sure. I don't really want that job right now. It sounds like I'll have to work mixed shifts and that definitely affects me going back to school. I'm happy with my current job in most ways. It's really easy, I'm making plenty of money, too. I just hate the negative stigma that goes along with "janitor." I know I'm cut out for more. I've tried talking to my friend a lot lately and I'm slowly getting the hint that I like her more than she likes me. Maybe she's just really busy. I just feel like I'd at least respond. I've made quite a few friends lately but none of them are comparable. My roommate is annoying me a lot lately. He just acts different when he's got new friends. Kinda leaves the old ones behind until he gets ditched. I feel like a lot of people do that. I'm probably guilty of it too. I miss Abbie a lot. She was always a great friend. It's hard when she's so far away. I need something to look forward to. I've been in a slump lately. My mom is planning Christmas already. She wants to go on vacation with Lindsi, her boyfriend, my dad, and someone of my choice. I'd love to ask Emma but I doubt she'd want to. Fern maybe. Josh maybe. I don't know if there's anyone else I could tolerate for an extended period of time. I think I'm going to take my mom out to eat tomorrow. I feel like I haven't bonded with her much lately and I miss her. There are things on my mind that I can't put into words. Questions that could be dangerous. I'm going to bed.
I crave another body yet I choose to be alone. Sometimes I feel like I, and maybe others, like the feeling of sadness. It has such a negative connotation to it... But it's just another emotion and emotion is good. I have an appointment in a couple days. I'm going to try to get on some new medication. I stopped taking my old ones because I lost a ton of weight and I couldn't get off. I'm a little worried that it'll make it worse and I'll break. Maybe not. I'm stronger than I think I am. It's weird. My unhappiness generally only exists when I wake up and when I go to bed. And when I'm alone. I consider myself an introvert but I get so sad when others aren't around. Does that make me an extrovert? I've been hanging out with Josh a lot again. It really makes me happy. He's always been a good friend. He does stuff that makes me mad a lot but at the end of the day he's my best friend. I thought our friendship ended with high school, honestly. Maybe I can rekindle some other friendships, too. Outside of my roommates and Emma, nobody catches my attention. I try not to care about people that don't care for me. Or only care for me when it's convenient. Life is hard and I understand friends dipping out for a while. It's the ones that are only nice to use me, to get information or temporary comfort. Things like that bother me. Right now I'm sitting in the Tendril rooftop Garden. It's peaceful up here. I'm supposed to be working. I'm just having a really bad day and putting my thoughts out there helps I guess. I worry about my friends. I think Gary is really lonely and he settled. He's a great guy and I'm sure she's nice, it's just that he's masked his other feelings with this newfound feeling of a girl liking him again. He took the easy road and I worry that he'll regret it and hurt himself and her. Fern is talking to a girl that's gonna move away soon. I can't tell if she's into him or not. He's made it fairly clear that he's into her and sometimes she reciprocates. But sometimes I think she sees him as a friend. I don't think he's that into her though. Just a girl to pass time on. I'm jealous of that. I'd love to find a girl that isn't my future wife. Just someone I'm mutually attracted to and can hang out with. Flirting sounds fun. I miss flirting, cuddling, talking late at night, and dating more than I miss sex. There are few girls who have caught my attention since Lilly. Jamie, who just wants to do her. Kat, who has a boyfriend. Belle, whom I could never trust. Emma, who is my best friend and I couldn't bear losing. Elisa, whom I work with and is married. I go out to the bars, I go out to house parties. But I'm probably not going to find someone there. It's not my style really. It's a fake personality I put on. Lilly has a boyfriend. His name is Nick. He's the sweetest guy she's ever met. I don't know anything else about him. She's going to study abroad this semester. I wonder if they will be able to endure that. As much as I want her back, I also want her to be happy. If that's with him, so be it. If he hurts her then I won't feel that way anymore. I should get back to work before I get caught.
I used to only have bad thoughts before I went to bed, lately they've been worse when I wake up. I immediately think of all the ways I could do it painlessly. I've never experienced it after waking up. Sleeping was my escape from those feelings and now it just puts me in a worse spot.