Sometimes the clouds seem

To speak up meant admitting that I care

And I care so terribly much,

so much that I am scared to say a word.

I walk around all my care like I’m avoiding stepping on broken glass.

Fear overwhelms my heart heavily at the mere thought of talking to you.

Talking to you? about what bothers me, what hurt me, what burdens me, talking to you.

I don’t feel secure and safe enough in order to speak to you, you don’t make me feel so, how very tragic.

An end to a series that made flowers bloom around my heart, they have withered.

M Words:

1. frolicking

2. cryogenic sleep

3. tummy

4. fudge you

5. fren

6. Awwwlrighty

7. Oo m likey

8. flowie

9. Hernia

10. Pee holding fucker

11. Panini head

12. Salam

13. smother u

14. The krabby patty secret formula

15. renasshole

16. freakin

17. cuticles

18. Doctah

19. pun intended

20. Loafing

21. Dumbo

22. Yada yada

23. Freaky deaky

24. What the flip flop

25. Ambixbdvxj

26. Seezer

27. Im a biryani girl

28. polish my people skills

29. A jokey joke

30. Ooo my jam

31. drizzled

32. recs

33. Incognito

34. Thicccc as a chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s

35. Pennys liddle belly pouch

36. Blegh

37. Gooduuhhhhh

38. Wolf it down

39. Smol lima bean

40. I feel eepy

41. Grouchy

42. The cutest of patooties in all the land

43. Poor 'cados

44. Turtle brain

45. Nuggies?

46. Egghead

47. Pure awesomeness

48. Fingie

49. Stupida

50. Dumbo

51. Cheapskate

52. Yah

53. Now she's a phat thiccc dump truck catto

54. I love my fatto catto

55. Dream hunk

56. Together we make the best burger sauce

I do not want to talk about my feelings.

I wish to leave all of them with you, the way you left all of you in me

Kiss my eyes, turn them blind to all the sorrow

Kiss my hands, undo all the bad done to this soul

Kiss my heart and make me feel all the things I could never feel

I miss you but I’m scared you are not missing me

03/01/24

Sometimes I wonder to myself why I still havent watched that one movie we had wanted to watch together but never did.

What exactly am I waiting for? Who exactly

Perhaps that exact movie is a symbol of the entire tragedy our friendship turned into and perhaps I will wait forever.

Sometimes I feel like you push discussions and arguments away, not because you don’t want to talk about it, but rather bc you don’t want to feel any specific way about it? U don’t want confrontation bc you don’t want to blow things out of proportion. It helps you right? U told me it does, cause you just forget about it and let it go. I can’t usually do that, I think about it for days weeks and months most of the times and I just go crazy over and about it. And sometimes I also feel like even tho you don’t address things and avoid talking about them, that you too don’t forget them. That you always remember them and might even still feel hurt over them. That makes me feel really bad because I want to make it right but maybe you know before I do that I can’t make it right. I do feel terrible but maybe you are right to not let me make it right, I don’t even let myself to make it right so. It’s just whenever we push and avoid arguments I just never get over them. They resurface on a random day and I just get triggered all over again and I even wondered if you had noticed that. It’s always the same. I can’t get over it. You once told me you have more in common with her, her voice is really attractive, she’s really funny, she never stops talking. Now why do you think why I can’t watch anything with you? I just start feeling so self conscious and it’s like I’m some used up shit. That’s just how I feel so of course it’s no one’s fault but mine, still I can’t help how I feel. Especially when I have to ask you to watch something with me. It gives me the feeling that I’m always the one asking for something, initiating something, wanting something. It makes me feel like you might just not want to. I just idk maybe I wish for you to tell me that it’s true, that it’s better, more entertaining, funnier with her, maybe that’s what I need .

People get lost, they leave but after all it is my love for them that remains.

So when are they truly gone?

I find more bits and pieces of them inside of me than I have of my very self.

So who am I really?

Am I everything that has ever touched my heart or is there another untainted me?

So when I miss myself, is it them or me that I miss?

Perhaps I have the answer to all of these questions but is admitting all of it not also committing to giving up on myself?

Or was I ever a self to being with

Why is my absence missed more than my presence

They say once something is gone it is gone for good. It makes me wonder if we have ripped the lid off too,

harshly but quick

An apology doesn’t make all those feelings unfelt, all those thoughts to vanish

To leave no place for apologies is the best way to apologize

I can feel your exhaustion leaving a trail behind every step of yours

I’ll always be sorry you know. Sometimes I wonder if you are sorry too or if you see no wrong in your words. Regardless, it doesn’t matter all that much, I just wonder.

I could not bear my own heart knowing I have hurt you and I can’t bear it every time it’s exactly that which is hurting you, what a dilemma is it not.

I love you dearly, my ocean of knowledge

My mother always told me „it’s fine“, whenever I hurt myself.

So when I was stupid enough to get myself electrocuted, it was fine. To get hit by a car, it was fine. The touch of those filthy familiar hands I was touched by, it was fine. Every time I broke my own heart, it was fine. To be hurt means to accept. Accept that the glasses belong to the top right of the shelf and for tomorrow to be just another new day.

Everything moves on, everything stays just so, everything but me.

I am a doormat with only one purpose, it’s fine.

My father would tell me „don’t cry, crying is ugly“ as he kept on muttering things to himself. I didn’t stop crying, I didn’t stop hurting.

So when you say „don’t worry about it“ I realize I’m still that fragile child.

I am a ridiculed paper on the table in the last lesson of the day.

My all revolves around you, you are the crimson red paint on my fingertips, tell me how to feel, you are the plain white wall I can’t help but stare at.

If you ever wondered why I hold onto you so tightly, it is because you are my hurt, my hurt it’s fine, fine is you.

I am nothing, nothing but emotions

Grief of my grief , no one stays

I give up on us, for we are no stable shelf for all these glasses.

Perhaps we break so profoundly and terribly, through the time we spent with someone, that we can never be total, fix or complete with them again

I’m not sure if we are holding on too tightly, if there is ever possibility of total entity

(Is it not unfortunate that I have only now come to realize that you, my dear, never were reason of my misery? It was and is always only you that can put the entirety of my being at ease.)

My heart reaches home again, a reunion with peace

like water touching shore, I come and go but you are always there

steady ocean, it was my mind that was filled with catastrophe