Selina, to Bruce: We had a date!
Selina: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book*
Humans are weird
So you know how when you become friends with someone long enough, you start to sound like them? Like you kinda mimic their speech patterns? What if aliens don't have that?
B҉E҉ ҉N҉O҉T҉ ҉A҉F҉R҉A҉I҉D҉ I got this silly idea in my head at work last night for a "Biblically Accurate Praying Mantis", so I attempted to paint one. I think it went alright, considering I don't paint often ^_^ The Angel of Prayer Alternatively The Angel of Cannibalism
You’re an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you’ve embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face.
Soon after you begin your quest, you encounter another man in a similar situation. You decide to join forces, as two mortal men stand a better chance at punching Zeus than one. Two villages over, you encounter a woman who had relations with Zeus and was left with a highly aggressive half-boar half-man offspring. She too feels your anger and offers to join your quest. By the time you reach Mount Olympus, you’ve amassed a large and formidable army of cuckolded/ravished mortals, demigods with daddy issues, mythical creatures with scores to settle, and a seamstress who you’re pretty sure is Hera in disguise. Zeus never stood a chance.
What I find best about this scenario is that the original wife probably expected to be murdered for her infidelity at worst or have her relationship with her husband ruined as he grew to resent her baby, at best.
Instead this man looked at his beloved and said, “who did it?”
And she replied “Zeus,” accepting he probably wouldn’t believe her.
And then he sighed, strapped his sandals back on and said, “I’ll be back before the baby is born.”
“Where are you-?”
“The lord of the sky came into my house, molested my wife in my bed and ate my food. I am going to settle the score.”
“Darling, he’ll kill you.”
“He may try, if he would like.”
You’re so right, that IS the best part.
I’m personally caught up on the seamstress.
“The pathway up Olympus is guarded by dozens of traps and perils strong enough to thwart even the Titans. How are we going to get past all of…” the shepherd boy with golden eagle feathers gestured uselessly at the slopes above them, particularly the herd of eight-legged goats snorting fire.
“There’s a way around,” Yiorgos said, though he was not specifically asked. But he had been the first to begin the march on Olympus, and so felt obligated to take the lead whenever possible, “In the stories there’‘s always a way around whatever obstacles the Gods place in our way.”
He hadn’t meant the words to come out as a question, but they had that lilt to them none-the-less. And even though he hadn’t meant it to be a question, much less a question directed at anyone specific, it was directed at one all the same. Just as the eagle-feathered shepherd boy’s had.
“Way I heard it,” a woman’s voice said. Rough with the Mycenaean Greek equivalent of a backwoods accent, and with the depth of a farmer’s wife who straps cattle to her back to carry to market, “there’s a back path. Hidden behind an invisible door that only one key in the world can open.” Everyone’s eyes had turned to the broad older woman in heavy shawl sitting amidst supplies in the foremost cart. “Least, that’s what my grand-mammy always told me.” she added after a moment of dozens of eyes on her.
“Oh, we were so foolish!” That was Lydia, a lithe waif of a woman, many months pregnant, sitting opposite the seamstress in the wagon. “Of course there’d be a.. a quest. They’d keep such a key in the depths of Tartarus or in the golden chariot of Apollo, or, or-”
“Or”, the older woman cut her off in a voice both firm, but much gentler than she used on anyone else, “he’s like all husbands and has been promising to move the key someplace better for the past three thousand years but hasn’t gotten around to it.” She gestured vaguely to the hillside, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was under, say, that bush right over there.”
It was. Of course. And everyone in the caravan agreed that it had been a very lucky and wise guess from the nameless woman and for the upteenth time since she first sat herself down in the front wagon and announced she was coming along with no further explanation, each and every last member very purposefully gave no further thought to the matter.
It is painful to keep secrets, especially important ones. Dates and times, hours and minutes, names and places can raise nations or fell kings, if they are the right ones. Those that want those secrets will inflict every cruelty to pry them out of otherwise discreet lips.
Far, far away, Prometheus smiled through yet another liver removal. The bird went upon its way and the wound began to knit.
He kept his secret. The burden of the bigger picture demanded it. Zeus was kinder than Kronos, who was kinder than the primal chaos that came before. The pattern would hold, so long as the titan’s tongue was likewise held.
In the early days, when Zeus would come to interrogate him each day between the bird’s feasts, Prometheus had allowed himself one small slip. Had the Lord of Olympus been less enraged he might have recognized the prophecy when the Firebringer spoke it under the veil of defiant spite.
When Prometheus laughed through gritted teeth and stared the King of the Gods right in the eye, and prophesied.
You wish to know, oh mighty King of Olympus, merciful and just?
Fuck around and find out.
A BEAR ATE MY BEST HUMMINGBIRD FEEDER.
Rude.
Someone tell that bear he's not supposed to eat that with the skin on.
I live in South Africa. And if you live in South Africa and you have any contact with people from the US or Canada you might have run into a question about wildlife like lions and elephants roaming our streets. Most South Africans get pretty offended by questions like this. We are a civilized country, our large and dangerous wildlife gets contained in properly fenced parks.
I use to get offended by this until I visited a few places in Canada and realized that the reason why you ask is that some of your large and dangerous wildlife does simply roam the countryside and sometimes make excursions into town.
This honestly blew my mind. What do you mean, you have bears just walking around? What the hell?
north americans don't all encounter deadly megafauna on our porches and front lawns but it happens often enough that we all think this is a reasonable amount of gigantic animal to happen to your house. so when we think of africa we kinda imagine it like this:
like. if we had elephants here. this is what we would be putting up with on the regular. what do you mean you guys are more sensible than us.
TELL ME AGAIN HOW AUSTRALIA IS THE DEATH COUNTRY We have two spiders and (apparently) 12 snakes but we don’t have lions, bears, wildcats, AND crocodiles. We sometimes have crocodiles and large boas in certain areas. We don’t have to worry about a bear attacking our halloween decor. Or moose deciding to joust on the front lawn. Maybe similar to Africa, America’s fear of Australia is because you all assume our wildlife is exactly as huge and space-invadey.
oh yeah i forgot about the gators
My house got invaded by a brush tail possum and that was the highlight of my year. Cannot imagine what I would think if a FUCKING BEAR just decided to kick it on my front garden. Like, "hey sorry I'm going to be late for work, the megafauna is attacking once again."
"When I think back I remember he always reminded me of a beautiful piece of art in a museum. Something I was allowed to admire from afar, but would never be able to touch or call mine."
(click for better quality)
³ᵈ ᵐᵒᵈᵉˡ ᵖᵒʳᵗ ᵇʸ ᵐᵉᵗᵒʳᶤᵃ ᵒᶰ ᵗʷᶤᵗᵗᵉʳ
JL: Nightwing! It’s a delight to see you! You should come by more often.
Nightwing: Thank you! I’m so sorry, work has been piling up on me but I’ll try to drop by the office party this Sunday.
JL: Ofcourse! Looking forward to seeing you there. By the way, is Batman coming late?
Nightwing: No, I’ll be filling in for him today.
JL: Did something happen?
Nightwing: Nothing much, he’s just grounded.
JL: ???
48 hours earlier
Dick: Bruce, I’m telling you now and we’ve had this conversation before but you need to build a better rapport with your children. They look up to you as a father figure and your actions influence their behavior.
Bruce: …hmrgh
Dick: And you might not be aware but you unconconscious behavior is damaging. Tim has picked up your terrible habit of constantly working in front of a screen-it’s going to strain his eyes. He’s always inside too, so you need to make him go outside more. I’m not always here, I have an entire city to run, the titans need me, I mentoring heroes, the Justic League calls on to help them, I need to keep up with my social life. The people in Bludhaven where I teach and work also call me if I’m gone for a day-the point is-I can’t always be planning second parent here in Gotham.
Bruce: ……hmrgh
Dick: Damian always looks up to you
Bruce: *side eyes*
Dick: He does! See you don’t even realize it! He wants to make you proud and Jason gets mad when you don’t make time for him because he cares too. Stephanie doesn’t have a dad she can turn to and it would mean the world to her if you took her out to an amusement park or something. When was the last time you spent time with her.
Bruce: ….hmrgh
Dick: And-
1 hour later
Dick: -that’s why you need to stop working, go to them right now, and bond with them.
Bruce:
Dick:
Bruce: ……...hmrgh
Dick: I’m waiting.
Bruce: *dragging himself off the batcave chair and begrudgingly trudging upstairs under Dick’s watchful eye*
Bruce: *listening to the sounds of his kids in the living room and pumping himself up* Better relationships mean better teamwork. Better relationships mean better teamwork. Better relationships mean better teamwork. And Dick. Do it for him.
Bruce: *entering* *clearing his throat* Children. We will be going-
*The living room is in utter chaos. The cushions are strewn and ripped with stuffing coating the couches and floor which for some reason is stained yellow, the flower vase is shattered and so is the table it was sitting on, there’s string confetti on the chandelier, there’s spray paint and neon goo across the walls and in Tim’s hair, Jason has deep claw marks down his face as he wrestles with Damian who’s sporting massive bruise on his cheek and trying his hardest to bite him, Stephanie is dunking Tim’s face in a tub of soda which splashed everywhere while he’s ripping out Jason’s hair and also trying to kick Damian with his foot, the tv has massive spiderwebs and looping on tellatubies like a broken record machine, Titus is spitting out a feather while a random goose runs around honking while Alfred the cat chases after it at full speed, knocking down decades old paintings.*
Bruce:
Bruce:
Bruce:
Bruce: *rolling up his sleeves and stomping forward to join the fight* HMRGH.
#Bruce is NOT a responsible parent#he is the type of parent who sees his kids throwing punches and would jump in and start throwing punches too#dick only found out later what happened from Alfred during his biweekly calls#when he goes and lectures them he asks them who started it and the kids all point to bruce who points at them in his it’s them grunt#dick grounds all of them#bruce wayne#batman#dick grayson#nightwing#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne#robin#jason todd#red hood#stephanie brown#spoiler#batfam incorrect quotes via @celaenaeiln
Dick: *face calling Alfred* WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE JOINED THE FIGHT?!
Alfred: Master Bruce joined the fight and then put the blame on the kids who blamed master Bruce, master Tim was covered in soda and spray paint, master Jason has several cuts and bite marks in his cheeks and missing chucks of hair, master Damian is covered in bruises and a bloody nose miss Stephanie started crying after Alfred the cat killed the goose and Titus was spitting several feathers, they broke a vase, a table, and damaged decates old paintings that miss Martha has collected in her life time. And colored the walls and floor of unknown substances.
Dick: THAT'S IT I'M COMING.
*one hour later*
Dick: *entering in the front door* I WANT ALL YOUR ASSES IN THE LIVING ROOM NOW.
The batkids + Bruce: *looking at the floor* Yes Dick/Richard/Dickie/Chum.
Dick: Y'all are grounded I want this place shining when I come back from the grocery store with Alfred. if this place is not done by the time no games/Justice Legue/Outlaws/Titans/Young Justice/Batgirls/animals/patrol. Got it?
The batkids: Yes Dick/Richard/Dickie
Dick: Bruce?
Bruce: Hmrn
Knight Terrors: Catwoman #1 (2023)
written by Tini Howard art by Leila Leiz & Marissa Louise
Clark: Bruce Bruce what is this
9 yr old Dick: :D
Clark: Bruce
Bruce, haggard, injecting 5 hour energy straight into his arm: baby bird
Clark: you can't let a child fight crime
Bruce, near tears: you want to try and stop him? please for the love of God Clark try please
Dick: I'm gonna do murder!
Dick: *cartwheels*
Clark: oh no
Bruce: that's what I said
