I would devote 15 years of my life to becoming a restaurant chef, get on Chopped, ignore the basket ingredients, and make a raw red onion salad with a white truffle oil vinaigrette just so I could stare into Scott Conants eyes as he is contractually obligated to eat it

this page is so pure n lovely

date a girl who fucks everything up

My time to shine

I love how helga’s fantasy wasn’t just “get arnold” it was “Be wildly succesful and have immense amounts of power and oh also be married to arnold”

Great point

one of my friends came to an Expo with us as an NPC

he kept this really pleasant generic smile on his face the whole day and all he would say was ‘Welcome to the Expo!’ and ‘Wow I can’t believe I’m at the Expo!’ in the exact same tone of voice and a whole bunch of people understood it was amazing

honestly birthdays were so easy when i was younger like i just wanted toys and stuff like that but now? my parents r like “wht do u want” and im just like??? some self esteem?? emotional stability?? a hobby?? 

hey guys im making french toast sticks in the oven. I’m gonna take a quick nap wake me up in 5 minutes so i can flip them over

Randy its been five minutes flip your sticks

snnnnzzzzz

seeing your own posts on your dash

(via dryyoureyes-startbelieving)

Ancestry commercials:

I thought i was white, and i ended being up being white

why do i only get motivated to do homework for 2 seconds at a time

Coffee shops are a calm environment that serve coffee, a stimulant, and bars are an energetic environment that serve alcohol, a depressant.

what is it with toddlers and personal space? if this little bald asshole touches my knee one more time i’m launching him across the parking lot

Casual reminder that this was an Actual Thing that actually aired on Cartoon Network.

Lmfaoo “No”

the million dollar question!