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my friend’s four-year-old son wouldn’t go to sleep because he wanted to keep looking at the stars and she tried to bribe him with a piece of chocolate and he just said “would you rather get a reward or be happy” and turned back to the window

*spins my clothes in a wet metal tube then bakes them in a different metal tube to undo the wetness*

in literature this is called defamiliarization so congrats this post is officially a literary masterpiece  

In my house its called laundry! Thank you!

what would you do if you went to a party and they was playing owl city fireflies

Go hard

Planet earth might turn slowly but this ass don’t

It’s 2 am

kill me

where my furry followers at.. furry fandom make some noise!

hngnfjfgg vore vore ,,.,vore vore paws … ack ack ack

nevermind!

what the fuck do you mean nevermind

entertainment is fabricated and nothing is real anymore

is this the great value version of my post

i swear it takes seconds to break over a decade of trust. im so hurt

my cat knocked over my drink and stole my ham 

bitch im crying

no offense but where even is Minnesota

omfg. its above iowa u heathens

where’s iowa

Describe your perfect date in detail.

ideal date: it happens

What is my perfect date? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

The way anime girls act about each other’s boobs but it’s guys and their huge fat knuts

Bro your balls are so big… I’m so jealous *gets behind and starts fondling them*

Kyaaa! Those are sensitive! Bro! *they flop all over the place*

Dude in the corner with tiny nuts: *looks down in shame*

same tbh

fuck

you know what

I’m annoyed

I still don’t get it but

Cain killing Able

​why did this conservative trump supporting gun blog drop the funniest caption on this post

Me: maybe im like? Too into the bands i listen to? Maybe i should tone it down?

K-pop fans: here i have calculated the length of all of k-pop man #43738’s fingers

Me: Oh. Okay

remember when my little pony had an actual brony character on the show, ‘broni friendzoni’, whos cutie mark was grumpy cat