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clever gay idiot

@100percentdirtball / 100percentdirtball.tumblr.com

i'm a riot. 30-whatever, she//her, this place is a little nsfw sometimes. minors dni

i started a gofundme with my partner today, to get us out of texas to a state that's more hospitable to trans women & disabled people. i sent a little tweet, to start sharing the link, and a couple people asked if i was sharing it on tumblr, and i said "i'm gonna make a longer post about it for tumblr!"

i've been trying to write that longer post all night. i just... i don't have it in me. i'm exhausted, and i'm terrified. i know the version of this post i should be writing is a little upbeat, and for the emails to my family & Facebook & insta & all that shit i'll be my best self.

here i feel like i can just tell you... y'all, i'm scared. the legislation is scary, but the people - people i know! i've lived in texas my whole life, i've got texan roots grown deep! - are scarier. i used to feel at home in austin. i used to say there wasn't a neighborhood i didn't feel like i belonged in, at least a little.

now, i get stared at at best, yelled at and followed at worst, every time i step outside my door.

i'm scared. i'm tired. and i'm so, so sad to have to leave my home.

please share this post. i'm not gonna lean on you to donate, i don't want you feeling guilty if you can't. lord knows it's hard these days. but please do help this message spread.

who are you when you are not watching tv or movies? when you aren't playing video games or reading a book or fanfiction or listening to music or whatever other kind of media that you engage with? who are you when your mind isn't in another world or story, when you are forced to sit with yourself and the only experience you have is your own sensorial life? can you define yourself outside of what you consume? who is that person? do you like them? can you bear it? can you bear it?

i am not asking if you can sit completely still and do absolutely nothing. are the only options a) consuming media or b) doing nothing? what lies outside of that? if you were to create space for a version of you outside of that, who might that be?

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geeky-jez

[Image ID: a twitter thread of 31+ tweets spanning 10 images, dated 22nd May 2017.

Image 1: a tweet by Dr. Paul (@/DrPnygard) that reads On this day in 1967, a show featuring a kindly man in a cardigan & blue sneakers debute- [tweet cuts off]. Included is a photo of Mr Rogers, a white American man with bushy dark eyebrows and greying straight hair, looking over his shoulder while seated obscured by a colourful red object.

This tweet is replied to by Anthony Breznican (@/Breznican) who’s 31-tweets-long thread begins by saying 50 years … I have a story to tell about this man.

Image 2: A lot of people are sharing this quote after the heartbreak in Manchester. It’s also the 50th anniversary of Mr Roger’s Neighborhood. 1/

The tweet includes a black-and-white photo of Mr Rogers smiling to camera with the following quote added: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers.- You will always find people who are helping.’” -Mr Rogers

Fred Rogers was from Pittsburgh, my hometown, and my generation grew up loving this man, who taught us to be kind above all. 2/

Image 3: Fred Rogers was the real thing. That gentle soul? It was no act. 3/

As I got older, I lost touch with the show, which kept running through 2001. But in college, one day, I rediscovered it… 4/

I was having a hard time. The future seemed dark. I was struggling, lonely, dealing with a lot of broken pieces and not adjusting well. 5/

I went to Pitt and devoted everything I had to the school paper, hoping that would propel me into some kind of worthwhile future. 6/

Image 4: It was easy to feel hopeless. One span was especially bad. Walking out of the dorm, I heard familiar music: 🎶 Won’t you be my neighbor… 7/

The TV was playing in an empty common room. Mr Rogers was there, asking me what I do with the mad I feel. (l had lots to spare. still do) 8/

It feels silly to say - it felt silly then - but I stood mesmerized. His show felt like a cool hand on a hot head. I left feeling better. 9/

Days later, I get in the elevator at the paper to ride down to the lobby. The doors open. Mr Rogers is standing there. For real. 10/

Image 5: I can’t believe it. I get in and he nods at me. I do back. I think he could sense a geek-out coming. But I kept it together. 11/

Almost. 12/

The doors open, he lets me go out first. I go, but turn around. “Mr Rogers… I don’t mean to bother you. But I wanted to say thanks! 13/

He smiles, but this has to happen to him every 10 feet. ‘Did you grow up as one of my neighbors? I felt like crying. Yeah. I was. 14/

Image 6: Opens his arms, lifting his satchel for a hug. “It’s good to see you again neighbor: I got to hug Mr Rogers, y'all! 15/

I pull it together. We’re walking out and I mention liking Johnny Costa (he was the piano player on the show.) We made more small talk. 16/

As he went out the door, I said (in a kind of rambling gush) that I’d stumbled on the show again recently, when I really needed it. 17/

So I just said, “Thanks for that.” Mr Rogers nodded. He paused. He undid his scarf. He motioned to the window, & sat down on the ledge. 18/

Image 7: This is what set Mr Rogers apart. No one else would’ve done this. He goes, “Do you want to tell me what was upsetting you? 19/

So I sat. I told him my grandfather had just died He was one of the few good things I had. I felt adrift. Brokenhearted. 20/

I like to think I didn’t go on and on, but pretty soon he was telling me about his grandfather & a boat the old man bought him as a kid. 21/

Mr Rogers asked how long ago Pap had died. It was a couple months. His grandfather was obviously gone decades. 22/

Image 8: He still wished the old man was here. Wished he still had the boat. You’ll never stop missing the people you love, Mr Rogers said. 23/

The grandfather gave Mr Rogers the row boat as reward for something. I forget what. Grades, or graduation. Something important. 24/

He didn’t have either now, but he had that work ethic, that knowledge that the old man encouraged with his gift. 25/

“Those things never go away,” Mr. Rogers said. I’m sure my eyes looked like stewed tomatoes. 26/

Image 9: Finally, I said thank you. And apologized if I made him late for an appointment. “Sometimes you’re right where you need to be,” he said. 27/

Mr Rogers was there for me then. So here’s this story, on the 50th anniversary of his show, for anyone who needs him now 28/

I never saw him again. But that “helper” quote? That’s authentic. That is who he was. For real. 29/

Image 10: When Mr. Rogers died in 2003, I sat at my computer with tears in my eyes. But I wasn’t crying over the death of a celebrity 30/

I was mourning the loss of a neighbor. 31/end

/end ID]

‘You’ve made this day a special day, by just your being you. There’s no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are.’

I remember hearing that, as a little kid, and not being able to believe it. And he kept saying it anyway.

Decades later, after much of my own therapy to undo the learning that led to a pre-school kid not believing that she was lovable just the way she was, I was watching an episode. I don’t remember what prompted me to seek it out, but I do remember bursting into tears when I heard that again.

Because it felt a little easier to believe. And because I realized, as an adult, how important it was to hear that as a kid. Repeatedly. Even if I couldn’t believe it. As a kid, I couldn’t trust that he meant it. As an adult, it was so clear that he did. And I was so grateful that he had planned those seeds. They took awhile to germinate, and still need constant tending. And I’m so grateful that was modeled somewhere for me.

He was such a treasure.

Idiot jerkface: Have you gotten the surgery?

Me, a trans woman who has received a phalloplasty to gain a second fully functional penis and now refers to myself exclusively as Ms. Double-Barrelled Johnson: Yes

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cornsnoot

laptop husbandry tip: the fans spinning up just means its EXCITED, not DISTRESSED. this is a COMMON MISCONCEPTION and it does not need to go to the vet

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cornsnoot

my boy is so excited

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cornsnoot

my boy is so healthy and h appy