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This is the cover letter I recently sent to a company seeking a service rep... carefully written (mostly) by my boyfriend. I hope I get the job.
To whom it may concern,
My name is I am emailing you from a magically fairly island called Iprucru. I like cake and pie and cake, and after reading your companies mission statement I can tell you do to. I am a demon, who likes to eat souls and children, if that is a problem I suppose I can continue my journey on the floating island of Iprucru. If you will allow me to grant you a wish I will fly down and dance a happy jib. Our people pray for baked goods by preforming the ‘bacon’ dance as you mortals call it. I have never known another lover like you, boom boom ba boom, and would love to dive deep into your sugar pie walls with my large spiked tongue. My tongue is over 12 rathfar, which is the unit of measurement in Iprucru, about 5 inches on your planet. I also posses the power to change belly button lint into gold, a skill which will no doubt be useful in your companies fight against Jewish prostate cancer. The Jews have always been the driving force behind our media driven community and I need to insure that they represent my kind well through the coming rapture. If chosen for this job I would no doubt be qualified to bring wraith down upon your enemies with my demon breathe and wings which both smell like buffalo chicken and sex. The best way to kill your enemies is through sex and buffalo chicken, both an alluring and deadly combination considered to be the highpoint of modern society. With your help I can enslave the human race into becoming my minions, they will clean my many rectums as I laugh gayly from my magic floating island facing Boston. If you have any questions feel free to take a step outside pull down your pants face your Anus towards the western sky and fart. I will be able to smell your fears and desires and will promptly answer back with a golden shower of love. Do not fear my Quarnarf, it will not bite anymore since I have recently come down with Quarnarf cancer, the reason I am applying for this job. As well as losing my dream tobecome a waiter/waitress at my local Chinese buffet I stated prior I enjoy to ingest Cake like batter and subtances containing no less than three of the following ingredents: Cake, Pie, Sugar, Waffels, Children heart, Seman, weevils, woodgrain, and heroin. If you can meet my dietary needs I will allows you to stroke the fur that yields from my showdamom, and together we can be best friends to pray at night together every night.
In addition, I would like to say that I do not have any children. Hearts.
Finally, if for some fucked up reason you do not see my individual profile fit for the job I am required by medieval contracts to inform you that there will be some insufferable consequences such as prolonged, chronic diarrhea of the mouth, estranged vision, addiction to crack cocaine, and the inability to masturbate except when riding the public transportation. I need you to drink at least seven gallons per milk a month. I hope dearly that you find me necessary and back into your life. It’s lonely watching you from outside your window…..Attached is my resume, which includes a short about me, work history, and h@WT PIC5.
Hope to hear from you soon!