from a distance
Do you know the number of times I have punched your name into my phone and typed out a message, before deleting it and replacing it in the back pocket of my heartbeat? You’d be shocked if I told you that more than once, I have walked a mile to the nearest phone booth so you wouldn’t know it’s me, dialled in your number, waited for your hello, and just listened to your voice for a while without saying a word. “Hello, hello, hello. Is anybody there?” Do you know how many times I have been at the brink of saying YES. I am here. Look at me. I am right here and you are right here, and this is what is left of me because you are the rest of me, do you understand that? Do you understand that I can’t go a minute without your name cutting through the queue of my thoughts to make it onto my tongue and leap into my life? Everything is you you you you, and you don’t even see it, do you? You don’t even realise that I have been circling myself, having conversations with you that you will never be aware of. I have been trying to get through to you. But the reception in your channel of trust is too disconnected to let me in. I have been standing with my heart in my palms at the doorstep of your acceptance, waiting for open arms, but only getting silence in return. I confused my echoes for your answers just so I would hold on for a little longer.
Do you realise that you control my entire day? That my centre of gravity exists in the space you take up inside of me? That you take up everything? I don’t know what this is. I don’t know if you‘d call it love, or obsession, or loneliness. But this feeling feels like no combination of twenty six letters can do it justice. My fingers hover over these keys, trying to find a way to describe the plumbing of all my pipes and parts that have been leaking from my eyes for the lack of light in my chest, but no matter where they land, I will never be able to explain what you do to me. You are a masterpiece. You are a thought that clings to my lashes at 2 a.m. and doesn’t let them fall into the safety of sleep. You are a sound that is always buzzing in my ear no matter how many times I try to thwart you away. You’re here to stay. Now that I know that someone like you exists, I don’t think I can settle for any other shade of brilliance. No one but you can quench this thirst in my chest, this lag in my breath. It’s always been you, you, you, you. So I will continue to write you messages that you will never read, to breathe into the phone booth with your voice on the other end of the line asking if it’s me. I will talk to you at two a.m. while facing the empty side of my bed. I will love you like this- from a distance, until you see me at sea and decide to leave your shoreline.