What do you do when your mistakes have legs

a clean beard

clever words

and deceitful intentions

eyes that judge you

condeming with each and every

shallow small talk hello in the hallway

Taking you back to your weakest moments

a tearful embrace

how you just wanted to be held by

someone who smelled like manhood and

tenderness with lips that knew yours needed

his  maybe too much

and the apartment was full of mess

more mess than normal

furniture in the kitchen

laundry on the sofa

bedroom a massive heap of overwhelming loneliness

and he wants to come to use the bathroom

I should have said no

but I longed for adult coversation

to feel beautiful

to be craddled in twilight and

maybe make new beginnings

….but there was wine

he said he didn’t mind the mess

but the shame turned my earth tones rust

I kicked myself all the way through the trail

to the livingroom.

Joking that he had saw me naked with my clothes on

wondering why we hide ourselves from new people

this was me at my worst and he had seen it

God my sins were scarlet as the carpet

riddled with debris of neon green fibers

remenants of a cat’s toy destroyed 

too fine for the vacuume to catch

and we talked all night

and his tounge was exquisite

and I played tug of war with my inner

whore or what I thought of my thoughts

about doing it being cool everyone but me

and I couldn’t just let him drive drunk

knowing he wasn’t

so he stayed….

then in the morning…

It happend and I shouldn’t have let it happen

Then he zipped himself, hazel eyes cold

unfeeling, robotic assessing my nakedness

and my mess declaring if he were me he would

just move

and now when I see him

I hate myself a little more

I wonder who he’s told

If he did

If he cares

Tell me what do you do when your mistakes

have legs that you know have a the widest

girth you’ve ever seen or expericiend

that made you cry real tears on contact

when you realize what you had done

by allowing anyone past the facade

of alrightness that you give the world

how you really crumple into tears easily

and shed your clothes coming through the front door

how you long for intimacy

and often ignore God’s voice

How do you look someone in the eye

who has seen your humanity and denied your worth

and declared you unfit for consumption

Rejection 

Rejection is seeing someone day

after day and dreading the exchage

because you know that he knows

your weaknesses and laughed

while shuffling out into the rain

as you stumbled over devastation

and regret……

And I’m not sure how to redeem myself

or if I even can

Will I be deduced to those stories

men tell about trifling women

that they screwed just because

should it matter…

I torchure myself sometimes

trying to forget or trying to put 

a postive spin or when my bedroom

starts to look messy again

I feel flooded with a shame

that I don’t think people understand

A self constructed cell built out of standards

I failed to meet again