Why Men Are MUCH, MUCH Funnier Than Women

by Jonas Polsky

Scientists have known for centuries that comedy comes from “hormones and stuff” that only exist in a pair of testicles. If you don’t have any gonads, you’re outta luck. Remember that TV show “America’s Funniest Eunuch”? Yeah, me neither.

Women, by definition, can’t possess the comedy-birthing testes, and as a result, their “comedy” will always be a pathetic imitation that no one wants to laugh at. It’s hardly worth mentioning, but there are several other reasons why women simply can’t hack it in the comedy game.

Bathrooms - Men don’t have to sit down to use the bathroom like women. They’re in and out of the restroom much faster, so they can get back to writing. The average woman spends about eight years more of her life in the toilet than a man, and men use that extra time back at their desks, cranking out great jokes.

Fashion - For the most part, men wear pants. Women mostly wear skirts and dresses. Men can climb the “showbiz ladder” much faster in pants, because no one can peek up them, unlike skirts, which are essentially a cloth tube.

Nomenclature - Men have shorter names, which makes it easier to call them up for a job. Examples include: Tib, Hurf, and Juck. Women, on the other hand have names like: Madeline, Sacagawea, Dyslexicon, and Birth-Butt which people hate to say, and refuse to remember.

TIP: Disguise yourself as a man to get hired as a comedy writer, if that doesn’t work, consider sexual reassignment surgery.

The Right Stuff - Male genitalia is funny looking, and the world is filled with hilarious phallic objects. Hold up a carrot and say “Orange Penis” and you’ll get a laugh. Most people (women included) think vaginas are weird and gross.

Weird bleeding - Women have a gross habit of menstruating. There’s nothing funny about someone bleeding uncontrollably, so cut it out.

Pregnancy - You can’t sit down at a writer’s table if you have a ginormous swollen stomach. If you insist on inconveniencing us with your pregnancy, hide it with a baggy sweatshirt, or cinch your body down to a normal size with a tight-fitting girdle.

TIP: Stop being pretty. As a joke, Steve Martin put out an album where he wore a wig and makeup on the cover. (It only sold three copies.)

Relatability - Women just don’t “get” guy stuff. We like beers, sports, and hot rods. Women like unicorns, and dolls. Come on, jeez.

Rampant promiscuity - Sadly, most women are sluts. This makes them unemployable, because they stink, and they usually have smeared makeup on from the night before. (Funny to look at, but doesn’t translate to the page.)

Sorry to break it to you ladies, but your body’s configuration makes it impossible for you to write or perform quality comedy. Your chromosomes are screwed up, and no amount of hard work is going to fix them. But there’s still hope, maybe in the next lifetime, you’ll be born a man.