- Pollen: *accidentally enters my body*
- Immune System: What the hell is that?
- Pollen: Hey, sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl--
- Immune System: We're under attack!
- Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo--
- Immune System: Open the floodgates!
- Pollen: The what?
- Mucas Membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?
- Immune System: All of them.
- Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't...oh sh--
- *dramatic music*
- Me: *sneezes*
When helping your best friend get over a break up...
Do not tell her that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
She’ll be a smartass and say
“But I don’t want a fish. I want him back. WAHHHHHHH”
Then you’re a socially awkward penguin.
Do not tell her that he was stupid for leaving her.
She’ll be a smartass and say
“I was stupid for loving him. WAHHHHHH”
Then you’re again, a socially awkward penguin
Do not tell her that he didn’t deserve her, and that she was too good for him.
She’ll be a smartass and say
“If I’m so good, why did he break up with me? WAHHHHHHH”
Then you’re again, a socially awkward penguin.
What you do is say:
“BITCH. GET THE FUCK UP. WE’RE GOING TO WAL-MART. WE ARE BUYING A GALLON OF ICE CREAM FOR YOUR MOPEY ASS, AND YOU’RE GOING TO CRY. ALL FUCKING NIGHT. YOU WILL WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING. WE ARE BURNING ALL HIS SHIT. ALL OF IT. WE’LL GO SHOPPING. AND BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BITCHES ON THE PLANET.”
She can’t be a smartass
and you’re no longer caught in a socially awkward situation.
You are not a penguin,
you are practically Jesus.
Fake awkward: Oh my gosh hey! I’m awkward! *cute little giggle* No! Oh my gosh! I’m so cute, I’m awkward! Wow, awkwardness is so cute!
Real awkward: Hopefully they aren’t looking at me. Please don’t talk to me. Why is everyone staring at me? Am I dressed right? What’s wrong with me? Is there something on my face? Wait, is someone walking towards me? *starts shaking* Did I do something wrong? Please don’t try to talk to me.
