(how thin do i have to be before people start to understand that i’m not recovered, i don’t even consider myself in recovery? how thin do i have to be before people stop telling me i’m so goddamn strong - i don’t deserve it because i’m not strong. i’m not healthy and i’m not aspiring to be. i don’t want to let go of my eating disorder and i’m not trying to let go of my eating disorder. i don’t know who i am without my eating disorder, fuck, i don’t even know if there is a “me” without my eating disorder. i’ve been sick for more than ten years. the last time i was motivated to recover was three years ago. i didn’t get the help i needed and by the time someone wanted to help, i wasn’t motivated anymore. 

people’s assumptions about my eating habits and my eating disorder is suffocating me. a part of me wants to tear down my facade and tell you how things really are - but i can’t because it’ll be triggering and demotivating and unhealthy and i don’t want to trigger anyone (more than i already have?). 

i don’t want to trigger others, but by trying not to - i’m triggering myself because i have to listen to praise i don’t deserve which makes me feel fat, fat, fatter because if people think i’ve recovered, i cannot possibly be thin, or slim or look sick (which my eating disorder wants me to!) at all. 

it’s all a supersensitive mess and i’m going to regret posting this.)