My brother: “You know what the opposite of egg salad is? Radio telescopes. Why you might ask? Because I like radio telescopes.”

one direction up all night tour dvd commentary by: my mom and sister

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DAD WHAT THE FUCK

  • Dad: Hey, go and eat that cake from the fridge
  • Me: What, no. I don't feel like eating any cake atm
  • Dad: Aw just go and eat it
  • Me: But-
  • Dad: Eat that cake
  • Me: .....
  • me: I have this theory that our favorite stars will usually end up being just like us in a lot of aspects.
  • cousin: Yeah! Because sometimes you will copy their looks and-
  • me: I MEANT PERSONALITY.
  • cousin: OH MY GOD I JUST PICTURED YOU TRYING TO EMULATE DVG IN APPEARANCE.

It’s 4am and my brother is playing Arkham City and my sister and I are watching

they yell at me every time I laugh at Candy

okay so, our dog is a bit of a 'special case'

She has a huge thing for sauna.

And to top of that, she is a bit too smart for her own good; she learned what sauna meant. And every time someone said that, she went outside that door and would be totally basket case until someone went there with her since she thought that if she is not there watching over that door, someone would go without her. So we couldn’t use word ‘sauna’ anymore. We started to talk about ‘hot room’. And now she have learned that as well. Now it turned into bastu. Jeez 

This is what I get for introducing my dad to Supernatural.

  • Family: *eating dinner, la di da, all is well*
  • Dad: Did you hear that?
  • Me: Hear what? *low creak is heard from basement*
  • Dad: You have the salt ready, right?
  • Me: Uhh...
  • Dad: What? No salt? What's wrong with you? *gets up from table to grab salt from cupboard*
  • Mom: Will you sit down and eat your dinner?
  • Dad: Fine, but if it's a killer scarecrow, you're the sacrifice, not me.
  • me: *puts sesame seeds on tofu*
  • dad: WOW LOOK AT THIS KID SESAME SEEDS ON TOFU WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS KID'S A GENIUS WOW
  • me: i think that's the first time you've ever complimented me and it was about tofu and sesame seeds
  • mom: george what do you think you're doing complimenting our child who do you think you are a white parent

And here we have a very rare animal, the live Jack Harkness. Don’t startle him and for gods sake don’t approach. You will be humped to death.

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  • My sister: ...where's the cat.
  • Me: No idea, why?
  • My sister: (Pauses) ...definitely not to sacrifice her in the glorious name of satan.

omfg so i went out to eat with my family and when we were walking through the parking lot to the car my mom says “i need to take my bra off it’s really bothering me” and i was like “wow mom there’s some things you just shouldn’t say out loud and that was one of them” and next thing i know she’s standing next to the car swinging her bra around and dancing. she took her bra off. in the middle. of the outback parking lot.

((My brother just walked up to me, sat down, glared at me, leaned in and whispered “I impregnated the lamp” got up, turned around, walked away))

My grandma texted me a picture of my uncle’s dog’s balls.
I give up.

My aunt and nan think im on a cult site because I refuse to tell them anything.

ITS THE RULE DAMNIT.

Im slightly like;

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But im also like;

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