tw psych talk
dear dear friends,
as you won’t be too surprised to hear, i’m going on medical leave from smith for Brain Reasons. basically i have a horrifying level of anxiety around my work that prevents me from doing it. at all. ever. and locks me in cycles of avoidance, denial, sleep deprivation, and self-destructive ocd symptoms. day by day, trying to be a Smart Kid is wrecking me. for awhile i need to be just a kid. i’ll be back in academia when i relearn how to hack it.
a lot of us have it fucking hard, smith is a toxic place for i’m convinced most people, all situations are different, i’m very lucky to have parents who understand/are on board/aren’t punishing me for doing what i gotta do, and i’m not interested in playing mental health olympics with anyone. so please don’t compare yourself to me or resent me for deciding not to deal with the same academic environment you are dealing with. but if this sounds like you, please please please get the help you need. don’t let anyone shame you, and do jettison all your lingering Smart Kid complexes about sticking it out and finishing in four years. i can’t tell you how utterly relieved i already feel. and how suddenly hopeful that i can be a good student again. (fucked up how that works, huh?)
THE GOOD NEWS IS i am staying the hell in the valley. the big thing that had been keeping me from taking this break, keeping me in the game a lot longer than i should have been, is the network of friends i’ve made. this means you every one of you. especially since most of you are older than i am and would be leaving the valley before me already, the last thing i wanted to do was cut into the time we still had together. and i would be miserable if i lived at home. so i’m not gonna.
i’m leaving the end of this week, going to new york for a week to be with bird and see simone and gavin and others, and then home for holy week and easter. this is actually great! because church is all i usually look forward to about being home, and i have missed holy week services dearly while in school. this way i can go to all the church i want. and then move back around april 1st and be with all of you. the valley’s been good to me. why leave it?
BUT THEREFORE i need housing. preferably in northampton, hadley, amherst, or easthampton. i’m already looking into a couple of good possibilities, which some of you know about. but more options are great! if you live here and need a roommate or know anyone who does, please help a quiet friendly conscientious eagerly-chore-doing boi out.
ditto work. i have enough saved to be okay for a bit but if you know about any jobs here (not that i can’t walk/bus/bike to from wherever i end up living, and probably not with kids) i’d love for you to pass ‘em on. signal boost maybe?
excited to join Team Drop Out of Everything in 2k12/13 after all. excited to build a real life, focus on making rent and making food and and making my brain less of an enemy. excited to read all the critical theory books i bought for class and can’t read for class. excited to scrape away academic and institutional self-definition and see whether i find a real and resilient person underneath. excited to hang out with you all in a new home.