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Tomorrow is my appointment with the doctor. For the ailing heart. The last one I hope. One thing about visiting The Heart Centre so often is that, the people give you really weird stares. The patients there are generally older since young people don’t have bad hearts, usually. You get my drift. And when I am there, they give the ‘what the hell is wrong with her heart at this age’. Yeah.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG I wanna shout. It has to be the last right? Being bionic woman is the furthest I will go. And I already went. Zzzz.
Although, secretly, I wish I was terminally ill sometimes. That way, I could quit school, gather all my worldly possessions and travel the world. Provided not so ill that I can’t move of course. There will be no pressure or expectations for the future and I am sure people will be nicer to me. People are always nicer to those who are dying right? Which is sad, really. Be nice to everyone, boys and girls. That said, I am not implying that people are not nice enough to me. I love my friends.
But I want to live my dream. And to be honest I don’t see it happening any time in the near future. Everybody says to earn a lot of money for twenty years then quit and do what you like. What’s the point then? I am twenty (lol, denial) and school isn’t exactly making me passionate about the world and its inhabitants. Actually, school makes me sad sometimes.
It will be the deadline for our Gender Studies group project in 19 minutes. And we are done. Have been so for a bit. I don’t think I have finished something so early before lol, but thanks to my groupmates, Yellow Paper and Weird Guy. I like them a lot. And I enjoyed this class because of them. But they also kinda make me feel inadequate. I think they are really smart and informed and just.. better than I am. The thing about feeling like this is you don’t speak up during discussion because you don’t think what you say is good anyway. If I were them and had a choice, I wouldn’t do project with me lol. I just wish I knew them under different circumstances that’s all. I have no arts background to speak off, I didn’t take the conventional route to uni and I am not a good writer. I could probably tell you the layout of an aircraft fuselage though.
The way I see it, the problem lies with the fact that school isn’t what I wanna do now. School here, to be precise. I know, it’s an old topic and I really shouldn’t touch that can of worms anymore, let alone open it. But.. every time I think that I still have a few more years to go, it scares me. I just don’t think I am good enough to be a good arts student. I am interested in it, that’s for sure. But I am not passionate about it. When I think of the industry I will be working in, if I don’t end up in a cockpit of course, I just feel that what I am studying isn’t that useful. It’s not that the social sciences is a useless thing to study, like what some others would like me to believe, but what bugs me is that, why am I studying that when I am damn sure what I want to be in future? Shouldn’t I be working towards it? Rather than waiting out 3/4 years of school and then figuring how to go about from there.
Oh well. Shit, I digressed. I will be done with the individual part of the Gender Studies wiki soon, if I get down to writing it. Haha damn.