Mystikpets

Someone submitted this amateur virtual pet site to us.  I was going to just go grab some of their badly drawn art, but the deeper I delved into this goldmine of facepalming, the more I wanted to post.  So here, an entire post dedicated to the glory that is Mystikpets, which you can see for yourself here: http://www.mystikpets.com/

First of all, it’s almost embarrassing how long it took me to realize it was supposed to be “Mystik Pets”, as in a misspelling of mystic, and not “My Stik Pets”.  Without further ado, let’s begin our exploration of the world of Mystikpets.  When you first enter the site, this is the finely coded homepage that greets you:

I think the best thing about this site is the About section.  Here are some choice quotes from it:

“Neopets was my medium, my artform. Through it, I discovered the art of the web: HyperText Markup Language. With this new brush, I colored the Neopets world around me… while I realized how black and white the rest of it actually was.” (You can tell they are are HTML genius by the black and white Times New Roman stylings of the site)

“Sure, it doesn`t update as fast or as often as some of the big ones, but what`s there I have designed with care and precision. So many ideas! So much time to put in!”

“What`s so unbelievable, is all the other virtual pet sites seem to follow in Neopet`s footsteps! There must be an archenemy to this corporation! Why isn`t there?!  That is when I remember my own site, that strange, small outlier.”

Yes, Mystikpets is clearly Neopets’ archenemy.  You can tell how different from Neopets it is by the pet designs.  Here are some of my favourites:

As you can see, it’s not Neopets at all.  Let’s just head over to Neopia Central ”Lungi” and see what else we can -

What.  What is… what.  Are his ears bleeding?  Is it just me or are his ears bleeding?  This is most distressing!  Quick, let’s go into the shop and see if there are any bandages for his -

…

Never mind!  Run away!  There’s only time to grab one item before fleeing in terror!

Ok, now that we’ve escaped that… thing that proves the art posted above is the improved versions of these creatures (which I think might be the most terrifying fact about this site), let’s see what the item looks like.

It’s… uh… it’s… a bar… of soap?  Or maybe it’s a sponge?  I could see it as a brick from a very colourful house, maybe.  Let’s check the tag. “Large Fruit: 4 uses food.”

Fruit.  Huh.  Ok.  I can only assume you get four uses because that’s how many tries it takes to swallow it.

I would show you more of this site, but really, that’s about it.  There are no other worlds to visit and nothing else to do.  There’s a games section, which features a game of Tic-Tac-Toe using the terrible pet pictures as X and O.  You can give your pet a job, but there’s no accompanying art (it’s all just default html coding) and I can’t figure out how you’re supposed to actually do the job once you have it.  

So there you go.  Neopets got you down?  Aywas not fulfilling you?  Not having fun on Marapets?  Well, now there’s an alternative!  I hope you have fun!  And if you can figure out what the heck a “puff” is, please do let me know.  

Lynx has stuff to add to this. I first viewed the site in the car in traffic (I wasn’t the one driving), when Not-Lynx texted me the URL. I don’t have a smart phone, so the site looked bad. I jump on now and somehow…no change, it’s just as bland and poorly-spaced. What Not-Lynx didn’t mention are the names of these things.

This looks like a fire-breathing Cockatrice. They call it a Cocklava. I’m of the opinion that it sounds like slang for a burning STD. My boyfriend said it sounds like the result of using hot sauce as lube.

This is a Hippagriff. I can’t imagine where they got the name, I’m floored by the creativity.

Okay guys, you try to guess the name of this one before I say so. Any idea? Got it? Need me to type a line of filler to space it out?

Rainbow Horse.

There are 16 different pets. 11 of them are directly Neopets ripoffs whether they’re a different color or two pets glued together. There’s one that’s just a mix of the Faerie and Biscuit Xweetok, both a Yellow and Darigan Eyrie, and like 1/3 are Pteris. The other five? Generic DA catdogfoxes, sometimes with wings and sometimes with extra head hair.

It says you have to log in to see most of the site, and maybe if I have more time another day, I’ll make spend time on an account and look around. From what little I gleaned, a Puff is just a Petpet. Except where there are hundreds of Petpets of varying designs and colors, a Puff sounds like…just a little cotton ball, easy to draw and palette swap.

The best part is just how smug and pretentious the About page is.

“It is recommended for teens and tweens who like sci-fi fantasy, strategy, role- playing, and (of course) caring for virtual pets. Younger kids are likely to be overwhelmed by the language and math skills involved.”

Oh man thanks for the warning! I was about to give this to an eight-year-old and say, “I played Neopets at your age, you should try this site out. It has art a lot like yours!” Thanks for the warning about the super-advanced dictionary and math that only a tween can understand.

“These terms may sound a bit harsh, but they are NO DIFFERENT than the terms and conditions of other websites, even other virtual pet websites! The only difference here is that here they`re not overly-worded, so you can actually understand them.”

Yes, thank you intelligent man. I was never able to understand a simple terms and conditions page, but you made it easy for idiots like me who can’t comprehend more than a fifty-word list of rules.

Subeta has the most beautiful writers in the whole world.

Here’s an extremely small cut from the current zombie-themed plot. I formatted it a bit and fixed a small typo, but it’s otherwise untouched.

Really getting into character, you lean into his personal space, in what you hope is a casual but also ominous way. 

“You’re a liar, Bug Guy Joe. The bartender saw you flashing big stacks of cash, and you bought drinks for everyone in the place. I’m not stupid.” You channel every gangster movie you have ever seen and level him with a cold gaze. ”You don’t think I’m stupid, do you, Bug Guy Joe?”

Subeta writers, I love you so much. Someday, I hope to do some small-time work for you. (I also hope to find the time to maintain the position.)

Verpets

Hey guys!

So I tried this a year ago and I hope you don’t mind if I do it again.

I’d really like to get some more referrals on a petsite I play, Verpets.

If you fancy signing up could you please follow this link here - [link]

I’m not 100%  sure about how it works but if there’s an option to put a referrer’s username can you please put Disdain as that is meeee c:

I’m actually an artist on the site and I’ve been there a while, so if you need any help you can always give me a poke either here or on Ver!

Thanks a lot <3 ;u;