Comfort and Joy

At my Alma Mater, we students were often exhorted by our fellow students in leadership to “step outside our comfort zones,” occasionally in order to cajole us into doing something we did not otherwise want to do. Like most students, I made a mental note of it, and berated my comfort zone for being so darn warm, fuzzy, and otherwise comfortable. But they were wrong. I was wrong; your comfort zone is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is no reason to step outside it. Before I am labeled as close-minded, allow me to explain. There is little merit in removing yourself from what you know, what you are familiar with, or from what you know how to conduct and carry yourself, things that are implied in the phrase in question. What is necessary, however, is to expand the comfort zone, so that we become more familiar with, more relaxed in and be able to function in broader areas. Perhaps in practice, there is little intended difference in meaning conveyed between the phrases, “stepping outside of” and “expanding” our comfort zones. I’m sure few would intend to say that we should remove ourselves completely from what is familiar, and would admit that we eventually retract inwardly towards that bastion of safety that is our comfort zone. However, there exists a psychological difference between the expressions. The first indicates that there is something flawed with or otherwise lacking in the areas that you are most familiar, while the second is more positive and embraces that which you are already comfortable with. Rather than degrade the notion of our comfort zones, a more constructive approach would be to not only embrace them, but to widen them and steadily become more and more at ease in what we once eschewed.

“That species of the frightening that goes back to what was once well known and had long been familiar” (Freud: 1919)

“We are torn between a nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.”

—Carson McCullers

beauty of not knowing

I am in that point in my life where I am finding myself. I’m far from what I once was but not yet what i’m going to be. I’m discovering the beauty of uncertanity. “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one” (Read that quote awhile back and found it to be so relevant because re-reading was what I kept doing). In life you need to have fun, make it worth wild, make the time we are given time well spent. At first letting go may make you feel as though you are a lost deer in headlights but trust me once you have your breakthrough. It’s so worth it, everything you once knew, or thought you needed is no longer even in existence anymore. It’s so blurry and unfamiliar!

“It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar.”

—Anais Nin

Back home amongst the miserable rain...

20/6/2011 12:10am

Yes. I have returned home. I’m not sure whether that is a relief or not. It’s good to be back I suppose. It’s funny. Everything is so familiar… Yet it’s not?

I know where everything is and how everything works but wow… If 3 months does this to me, what will 5 month do? It’s indescribable.

I slept 12 hours yesterday for the first time in many months. Considering that I haven’t been able to sleep at all lately, I think I deserved it. But I must say… My bed back here is rather uncomfortable. It’s quite hard and it kinda makes me sore and WANT to get out of bed. Which is really bad. The one bed back in my hall is really soft and easy to stay in. I remember I felt like a fatty when I kinda sunk in. I suppose the bed is “well-used” to some extent… LOL if you get what I mean ;)

So any new so far huh? No. Not really. Once I returned yesterday, mom gave me an attention rape. That was really REALLY hard to get by since I was so not used to it. I do get a lot of attention for having the mind of a 6-year-old but not like the attention that my mom gives me. It actually made me feel like a kid. I suppose I still am I kid in her eyes. Ah well, being an only child and 18. What can I do?

My mom and I had a hardcore hinting convo thou and I hit the jackpot. Mom really wants me to stay at home. She’s hinting at the moment that I should stay here and study. I’ve been refusing the whole lot so far. I told her I don’t want to go to the university here. My degree isn’t offered to a reasonable state here. Mom thinks they’re all the same. Silly woman.

At the moment. I think mom has given up that I’ll ever convert into staying here. She hasn’t paid the next instalment for my hall yet but she holds the power over it for now. I just need to keep pressuring her to an extent where she just decides to give in. She doesn’t even ask dad cos we both know that Dad will always be on my side. He knows I’m following my dream. He wants the best chance for me whereas my mother wants the safest chance for me.

The thing with taking the safest chance is that it will only be safe PHYSICAL wise. This is my personal opinion. What’s the point of being physically healthy if you’re not mentally healthy? I wasn’t mentally stable when I first left home. I’ve been through a lot… Ups and Downs. Mostly downs thou. Enormous amounts of that, that I get surprised every time. How could I be here after all that? But after I left home… I just steadily became a better person. I stopped thinking about what I should do to cover myself up because I don’t need to any more. I’m actually smiling because I simply want to! It’s easy as that! That was all I asking for last year. Now I’ve got it, I’ve got no regrets and no emotional breakdowns (apart from some stresses I had over the semester. Totally unrelated to how I felt during the past 5 years of my life. Like… finding out I was an IVF baby. The fact that I was an IVF baby didn’t affect me but when my cousin told me that, I just cried and cried so much. I was laughing mentally but something that I can’t quite confirm just let my guard down. I still don’t know why thou.)

I realize I’ve been very negative for the past few days but just to let you know, I’m back on my feet now and feeling more positive. I’m sure I will return when I’m suppose to and attend all those events that I want to go to next semester! I can’t wait til next semester begins…