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- Thou shalt play well, or thou shall be hit with thy own Bassoon.
- Thou shalt play IN TUNE and with the correct embouchure
- Thou must worketh on scales at least thrice a fortnight.
- Thou must constantly increase their range from a low Bb to a HIGH F
- Thou must be able to play the opening of The Rite of Spring
- Thou shalt own a copy of Mozart’s Bassoon Concerto
- The low Bb shalt be thy favourite note on the instrument
- One must immerse thyself in the art of Bassoonery.
- One must be friends with a French Horn player, for Bassoons and French Horns have been friends since the beginning of time.
- Thou must tryeth to get along with trombonists and cellists. They have been known to come to your aid in your time of greatest need.
- One must befriend the oboist, for they are a double reeder.
- If an individual calleth your Bassoon an oboe, you are legally entitled to curse at the person and hit them with the bell of your Bassoon.
- Long supported notes show strength and competence.
- Short staccato notes show precision.
- Thou shalt imitate fog horns on the North Sea on the lower register
- Thou shalt never complain of a weary thumb. A bassoonists thumb is his greatest asset.
- Thou shalt make reeds constantly, and complain about the tribulations of making reeds.
- 2nd bassoonist shall not be made a mockery of by the Principal.
- Contra-bassoons, and their players, may be inferior and associate themselves with tubas and bass-clarinets, but they are still cool.
- Thou shalt include the Beegees or other appropriate bands into classical works at all times. (As revealed to the world by Bill Bailey)
- Thou shalt keep the Tenor Sax in their place, and constantly remind them that they will never be able to replace the Bassoon.
- Thou shalt seek a master, to train and guide thee, and once a bassoonist has risen to the ranks of mastery, they must in turn take on the task of training new prospective bassoonists.
A Brief History of the Mellophone
The mellophone was invented in 1247 BC by Chuck Testa and given to pirates. They used it to slaughter twenty-seven headed dragons of north Italia. Once the pirates learned how to make the instrument sound pretty, they let the technology into the hands of the regular human population. The events of all these people dying was covered up by the Black Plague, but in fact, mellophones’ awesomeness actually burnt out the souls of anyone who heard it. Normal people eventually gained control over the divine music maker, but the life spans of people who could not play correctly were severely reduced. The effect has gone away today. It is true that all brass instruments, save for the trombone, are derived from the mellophone. The flute is derived from a mellophone with Down Syndrome and no sound producing capabilities.