Still my heart is racing.
Yesterday, I officially came out to my daughter about being trans. She’s 6 and very smart, and I’m really hairy now so none of this came as brand new information to her. We’ve talked about it here and there for some time now. She knows, to the best of her ability, that her “mama” feels like a boy, but she would argue it with me because of my physical body.
So, thanks to my wonderful and incredibly resourceful fiance, we found the perfect, age-appropriate book for her. It’s the story of a girl whose mommy is starting to transition from female to male. The title is My Mommy Is A Boy if you want to look it up. It explains how her “mommy” feels on the inside, the issue with using he or she, and most importantly that they will always love their child no matter what.
I think it really sunk in for her. She was quiet, but you could see the wheels turning. I’ve always been her mama. That’s what she’s called me since she started talking, and since I’ve only started my physical transition 9 months ago, I never forced the use of dad on her. I never will. It will be her choice. But at least now maybe she won’t ask me every time we use the men’s restroom why we’re in there.
I’m overjoyed that we finally had this talk, but it was scary for me. I didn’t want to stress her out too much. My baby has been through so much already in her short time here on Earth. Fingers crossed.
his needs get met first
Our boy is scared of the water because of a traumatic experience earlier in his life. People who know him never thought he’d go swimming. But he did…with his daddy.
So we’re at the pool and everything is going well. He’s nervous about the splashing of the nearby kids and freaked out when his foot touches some drain or filter thingie on the pool’s floor. But other than that, it’s fine.
I’m so proud of him. We finish swimming and make our way back into the men’s locker room. He’s shivering uncontrollably. I help him change out of his cold swim trunks and into his dry sweatpants. And now it’s time for me to change.
Now, when I’m on my own and in the men’s locker room, I fill with anxiety about being a transgender man in a room with naked cisgender men. But here I am now having to change in front of everyone and my new son.
I manage. I stand in the corner facing away from everyone, pull my drawers on quickly. But what I didn’t realize until later is that I wasn’t really anxious this time. The most important thing became his needs (his shivering, his nervousness about pools), and not my anxiety about being a trans guy in a locker room.