Today at the huge Toys “R” Us in Times Square, the guy dressed up as Spiderman stopped me to ask if I knew the girl on my shirt. I was wearing a Lights shirt. I told him I went to one of her concerts, she’s a singer. He then stepped COMPLETELY out of character and proceeded to say “Damn son, she’s hot.”
Free Agent Signing--I got a job!
Sam Anderson, a right hander out of Mississippi State, has signed a free agent contract with Tupelo’s Toys ‘R Us. After 6 months of rehab, he seems to finally be ready to end his drain on society Tuesday afternoon.
“I’m back, baby,” Anderson said. “Who needs a newspaper job when I can work nights at a retail store designed for kids? Not me. Ten p.m. to six a.m. are my prime time hours. I’ll sleep when I’m dead—or really tired.”
Anderson went on to say it’s been a long journey to this point and that he now feels that he’s “streets ahead.” After being discouraged about the job market of print journalism, he fell for the age-old trap of desiring income and “to get out of this @#%!-ing house!”
“Hey, hey. Forgive me, FORGIVE ME, for not wanting to work 60 hours on local amateur athletes who look like, like turds out there. Like turds. And that’s if I sucked up enough to the bosses that be. Now, I’m in charge of my destiny. Who reads the newspaper anyway? I said, WHO READS THAT DAMN PAPER ANYWAY!? I think I’ll get me a Kindle and just read pop culture news online. If some big s—- goes down, I’ll read it on my facebook feed.”
According to sources, the native of Blue Springs began applying for part-time and full-time retail jobs not long after fully recuperating from “ass surgery.” Although disappointed early and often, he never gave up. Instead, he went the popular route of depression and moping. It’s been said that the 23-year old “man-child” appeared as if somebody took his heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. At the same time, somebody else must’ve sucker-punched his soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. Then a third guy walked in and started punching him in the grief bone.
At least, that’s the way it appeared.
“No comment,” Anderson said.
“That’s exactly what it looked like,” Margaret Anderson, his mother, said.
But now he can relax and look forward to a successful stint at Toys ‘R Us. Also, it’s been reported that a local theater is looking to hire Anderson.
With his punctuality, work ethic and people skills, there’s no telling how far he can go. At least, with the night crew of Tupelo’s Toys ‘R Us.
“I’m Ron Burgundy saying, ‘Go f—- yourself, newspapers.’”
BREAKING NEWS: Apparently, Anderson has just received a verbal warning for sexually harrassing a co-worker.
Anderson quickly responded, “Who doesn’t like the nickname ‘Tits McGee’?”