My top 25 most favorite tweets of 2011.

In case you missed any on my twitter feed, here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2011. Oh, and here is a link to my 2010, and 2009 lists. Thanks to everyone who makes me laugh throughout the year and thanks to those who enjoy my tweets as well.

1. “Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.” @NealBrennan

2. “That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.” @IamEnidColeslaw

3. “I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.” @Qu4rtKn33

4. “”I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”” @meganamram

5. “Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?” @smelbz

6. “Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you better than me. It just means you’re better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.” @Im_Tricia

7. “If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.” @Matt_Tice

8. “”And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.” @mikeleffingwell

9. “Sorry, ancestors who believed in a “master race,” but I have to take a bunch of pills now because I’m allergic to my sweater.” @cschleichsrun

10. “When on an elevator by myself and a white guy gets on, I press every single floor, stick up my middle fingers and say “that’s for slavery.”” @bignas46

11. “Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang ‘Poker Face’ for 45 minutes.” @theNuzzy

12. “Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.” @robdelaney

13. “Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.” @JennyJohnsonHi5

14. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? dad!?” @yzupp

15. “Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.” @OuterJohn

16. “There’s no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.” @KevinFrisbee

17. “If you read your timeline backwards it’s about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what “twitter” is.” @Jason_maybe

18. “Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”” @NowAPisces

19. “My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.” @CroweJam

20. “A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.” @superduperkewl

21. “HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.” @CandyWarhole

22. “So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”” @PaulyPeligroso

23. “”Have some fucking dignity.” - Other birds to seagulls” @DearAnyone

24. “I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast” @lazerdoov

25. “The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.” @Lea_Stephanie__

Here are a few that made my short list throughout the year that ended up not making the list:

“My 3rd favorite sex position is called the “I don’t know what’s happening but I think this is ok.”” @AmberTozer

“”There is no GREG in ‘team.’ ” - super mean way to cut Greg from junior varsity.” @BoobsRadley

“My boyfriend asked for anal, so I alphabetized his DVD collection.” @Schmoodles

“Our daughter walked in on us having sex and it freaked me out because she’s 3 months old.” @rodney_at_large

“”You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” - People who don’t understand what you’re supposed to do with cake” @shiraselko

“My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.” @bazecraze

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have a large collection of child pornography.” @meganamram

“People who hate on Snuggies without ever having tried one must detest the idea of wearing a hug.” @LouisPeitzman

“White people watch cops and say “wow this show is wild.” Black people watch cops and say “OH SHIT I THINK THAT WAS RICKY!”” @bignas46

“I have a weird fetish for guys who don’t hit me or try to put things in my butt.” @Qu4rtKn33

My 2010 list, and My 2009 list