Musicals: Quick Versions

• Les Miserables: Ex-criminal can't catch a fucking break. Crazy cop can't handle multi-dimensional personalities. Boring love interest remains everyone's least favorite character. Everyone you love dies.
• The Phantom of the Opera: Overly dramatic opera singer is caught between a dick boyfriend and a serious case of Stockholm syndrome.
• Wicked: Misunderstood loner chick tries to help people and everyone fucks her over anyway.
• West Side Story: Romeo and Juliet with really tame gangs and sassy Puerto Ricans.
• Grease: If your asshole love interest doesn't like your personality, change everything about yourself.
• Rent: AIDS sucks.
• Cats: Freaky looking cats. That's it. There's literally no plot.