The Love Song of J. Eridan Ampora

IF I THOUGHT FOR ONE DESPERATE MINUTE THAT ANY OF YOU THROBBING GRUBFUCKS
HAD ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO MY PREVIOUS HEARTFELT ATTEMPTS TO FEED YOUR THIRSTY SPONGES A LITTLE FUCKING SCHOOL
I MIGHT AT THIS JUNCTURE OFFER SOME WORDS OF FRIENDLY SUCCOR.
BUT SINCE YOU TURDFLECKED HOOFBEASTS OBVIOUSLY CAN’T BE ARSED TO DO ANYTHING BUT STAND AROUND AND DROOL,
I’M NOT REALLY INCLINED TO GILD THE NECROSIS BLOSSOM. HERE’S THE CRUX:
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL. GO EAT FRONDS, YOU USELESS FUCKING TOOLS.

-Karkat Vantas, excerpt from “A Long, Pedantic and Extremely Profane Tirade In Which Various Critical Aspects of Future Events Are Revealed to a Bunch of Stupid Wigglers Who Defecate With Force In Their First Larval Instar Swaddlings, Not That They Bother To Pay Attention.”

come on fef lets hit the sand
wwhile all a fuckin civvilization lies wwaitin for our sovvereign hand
like an egg sac ready for the fuckin hatchin
come set your foot on dryin shores
the stage for future wwars
of ruin an of bloody armageddon
wwith sands of rememberin an of forgettin
shores that roll on like a fuckin argument
of caliginous intent
to lead you to a carnal situation
dont look so fuckin dire
lets make this shit transpire

in the depths the squidlings come an go
glubbin of glbgolyb down below

the landscum plague that spreads across the rubble
the lowwblood cancer squattin on the lea
dripped its vvenom in the vveins that feed the rivvers
poisoned the fuckin wwaters a the sea
traced crusts a flotsam on our wwavemarked beaches
left great malignant fishes rottin in the deep
an happy with its noxious depredations
slammed a faygo got its wwicked zone on an fell asleep

fef wwhen i get my tactics all in line
you better get to sharpenin your forks
cause no one deals apocalypse
like wwe schemin devvils of the brine
an you knoww wwe saltlickers got time
time for a billion horrorterror visions
and time to plan incisions and collisions
before the hour comes to make the lowwbloods pay
an run a skewwer through them like a bunch a prawwns
it takes time to get your pieces in a roww
i knoww you dont play chess fef
but if you did youd knoww
its all about the motherfuckin pawwns

in the depths the squidlings come an go
glubbin of glbgolyb down below

and indeed there wwill be time
for all the swwwwimmin creatures in the bay
look i found you a wwounded cuttlefish today
i knoww you like to take in evvery fuckin stray
(an now youre stuck with a pathetic brinesucker like me)
but here i am decked out like a fuckin pirate king
wwearin at least a dozen golden fuckin rings
tryin to understand howw our lovve stopped bein a thing
(come on fef im glubbin beggin on my bended knee)
its hard
bein a kid
its hard and nobody
takes the fuckin time to hear you like you wwish they did

for i have knowwn them all already knowwn them all
have knowwn the diamond sirens on their pity thrones
i have splashed down hard in many a moirail zone
i knoww the fuckin tortures of a thwwarted shade a pale
so howw can i prevvail

an i havve knowwn the horns already knowwn them all
horns that are sharp an fierce an aimed right at your motherfuckin gills
but wwhen its time to go in for the krill
the one you thought was destined as your evverhatin foe
wwill leavve you fuckin standin like an asshole wwith your pail
an all their pitchblack ardor melts like snoww
so how can i prevvail

an i havve knowwn the fins already knowwn them all
fins that are translucent an pink an frail
an wwavvin slightly in the current like a pleated chiffon sail
is it a dorsal frill
that makes me fuckin ill
fins that fan out like anemones or flutter like a vveil
can i then prevvail
and howw should i begin

shall i say i havve gone at noon to the abyss
an pacified the terror of the deeps
wwith flesh of the levviathan still bloody from the battle

you ought to reconsider our alliance
you knoww youre mine its motherfuckin science

but wwould it havve been wworth it after all
after the bombs the doomsday engines the plagues
among the fallen lowwblood corpses among the spoils a wwar
wwould it havve been wworth wwhile
to have bitten off the matter wwith a smile
to seal our glorious vvictory wwith invvitations concupiscent
flushin so hard my lateral chromatophores all go fluorescent
to say i am dualscar come from the dead
come back to glub you all i shall glub you all
if one cockin her pretty little finfrilled head
should say that is not wwhat i meant at all
that is not it at all

im a fraud
im a douche
i shall gel my hair up wwith a purple swwoosh

i guess ill just wwait another sweep
til fussy tyrian princesses are sellin cheap
i havve heard your lusus singin in her sleep

i think youll need my help to keep your squidmom fed

wwait a minute fef dont go
i knoww youvve got this coddamn goldblood beau
but wwith a little time this thing wwe got just might lay roe

wwe have lingered in the chambers of the sea
wwith starfish empresses on coral thrones
fuck it fef were all glubbin alone

-submitted by tweedymcgee