The ConditionDefiance, Ohio
The condition - Defiance, Ohio
And are you the type to let yourself get scared?
We all go swimming naked, or at least strip to our underwear,
Am I the type to miss you when I’m gone?
Well I guess it won’t be that long.
I was admitted on March 15, 2013. Exactly a month ago I met him. The guy of my dreams. The one the only, Harry Styles.
I was on my way to class when I met him. I don’t know what he was doing at the UCLA but there he stood. I remember how sexy he looked with raybans on with his signature black skinny jeans and tight white shirt. He looked up at me with that silly smirk of his playing at the edges of his mouth as he caught me staring.
Caught off guard I bit my lip and turned away to head off to class when his deep husky voice said “Hey could you help me with something.”
Half aware that everyone had already rushed off to class I stupidly turned around and said “Are you talking to me?”
He nodded and cocked his head ever so slightly to the left. Behind those dark shades of his I could feel his eyes analyzing my every move. I walked towards him catching the scent of his cologne as the wind blew towards me.
“What do you want?” As pathetic as it sounds that was all that I could say.
He heavenly appearance had caught me off guard and I felt as though my throat has closed up. I wouldn’t call myself a directioner but I did like this band quite a lot.
“Nothing, I just wanted an excuse to talk to a pretty girl.”
Two girls stared at us as they walked by and I stared back. I was never used to getting noticed much, being that quiet girl who sits in the back of the class. Harry’s touch brought me back down to Earth as his fingers touched my chin to turn my head back to facing him.
“Ignore them. You get used to it after a while.” He whispered softly in my ear.
“Must get kind of annoying.” I muttered back.
“It does, but sometimes it helps me meet girls like you.” As he talked he continued to lean closer and closer until our faces were almost touching.
I looked up and when our eyes locked, I couldn’t look away from those enchanting green eyes.
“And your name?” His breath felt warm and smelled like peppermint.
“Alyssa,” I said breaking the contact by looking away.
As if broken from a trance I remember my heavy psychology textbook.
“Oh shit, I’m late to class.” I turn away and started towards my class at a brisk pace.
I turned to my right to see that Harry followed me, his long legs keeping up with ease.
“Don’t you have something better to do then to follow around some girl you don’t know?”
” No, not particularly.”
We stopped in front of the door to my class. “I’ll wait for you after class.”
He says giving me a wink and pushing the door open for me.
“Class was crap. The teacher gave me shit for being late to a guest speaker but it was boring anyways.”
That wasn’t the whole truth saying that I was looking forward to hearing about schizophrenia but my mind would drift back to Harry. We were walking to a small restaurant down the street that he swore has the best chocolate cake he had ever had. He also explained he had found me through my submission for the Bring Me to 1D contest. I had made a video about how they helped me get through the tough times of my parents divorce and some bullying a school.
We had sat down at a table near the back and we weren’t disturbed other than the waitress giving us a weird look as she took our orders.
“I didn’t realize you took so much of an interest in your fans.” I said while stirring my drink.
I watched as the ice went around and around like a sad game of chase where no one could win.
“I don’t take interest in my fans a lot,” he crossed his arms behind his head and lay back in a relaxed manner, “I’ve only made an exception for you.”
“Why me though?”
He sat up, leaned closer to me and rested his head on his long, interlocked fingers before he replied “Ever heard of love at first sight?”
“What about it?”
“Call me cheesy or just a hopeless romantic but something about you just made my heart skip a beat.” I took a long sip from my drink hoped the pounding in my chest and heat in my cheeks would cool down. He reached into his coat pocket to pull out his phone and started to play my submission video.
Hi, my name is Alyssa and I think I should be a contender to meet One Direction because despite being eighteen when the usual “fans” are two to four years younger…
he slid the volume down to mute and I continued to just watch myself talk.
“You weren’t chosen to be the winner but I just couldn’t go by without meeting you.”
His voice sounded full of longing as he pulled my hands up to his mouth and said “would you be accepting and be my girlfriend? I think only by this I can show my wish to get to know you better.”
I was paralyzed with shock but I managed to make a small nod.
“But there is one condition, just one.”
“Anything.” I breathed. Even if it sounded very needy I didn’t even care. Harry Styles just asked me to be hit girlfriend and I felt like hyperventilating. I was putty in his hands.
“You have to promise me to not tell anyone about us. Act like you never met me.”
“It’s a celebrity thing. I like to keep things quiet. Will you respect my decision?”
“Sure,” and with that simple answer my relationship with Harry Styles started.
We spent most days together, he walked me to class then picked me up after. Sometimes he’d make me skip class and we would go watch a movie or walk around a park or just even sit in his car with my head on his chest. We had what I thought every girl would want in a relationship. We never argued. We knew everything there was to know about each other. We kissed, we cuddled and even had sex a few times. He was kind, caring sweet romantic… Just perfect in every way possible. I became so incredibly immersed in our relationship I never noticed the slight discrepancies that occurred. I never met his family, friends, or band mates, nor did I care much for them. I swore off social media because all they said about Harry was all lies. We got stares in the streets but after awhile I stopped caring. I began to slowly push away my own family and friends. I spent all my time with him. I stopped going to school. I quit my job. His job alone could support the both of us. Everything was rainbows and butterflies until my whole world began to come apart.
“Alyssa Gallagher have you been listening to me?” I thought back to that day.
My closest friend Joanne had taken me out for a coffee after the week I haven’t been attending class or answering her calls.
“There’s something wrong with you.”
“No.” My reply was blunt and emotionless.
There was nothing I wished more than to be out of here and back in to Harry’s arms. I looked blissfully out the window at his black Chevy parked outside the cafe.
“Yes, there is. You’ve changed. I know you’re going out with someone but this just isn’t healthy. Why won’t you tell me who it is?”
For the first time, I felt bad bad for neglected her. I could tell she truly did care.
“I’m sorry Joanne, I promised him I wouldn’t.” I looked down to hide the guilt.
“I have to go. I’ll try to call you okay?” I got up to leave knowing I wouldn’t remember to call her tonight or any time after that.
I thought she had stopped caring just like my parents had but I was wrong. Joanne is the reason I’m stuck in this stupid hell hole. I caught her. I caught her, in my room, going through all my stuff.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I saw my phone in her hand and a bunch of papers in the other.
“Why are you going through my stuff?” I tried to grab them back but she backed away.
“Did you just finish your date? Did he just drop you off at the door?” Her voice was calm but she seemed scared at the same time.
“You’ve been spying on us too!?”
“There was no one there. Just you.”
I was taken back by that remark. It wasn’t what I thought she would say. I thought she’d accuse me of not telling her that I was dating Harry Styles not that he didn’t exist.
“Stop joking around. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was dating Harry Styles but what you just said was just ludicrous.”
“I’m not joking, there wasn’t anyone there. I checked your phone too. I may have seen you talking on the phone and texting someone but there is no history of anything.”
My mind went blank. I tried to think back but everything felt real. My perception of reality and the illusions formulated by my mind were no longer clear. They never were. I had an emotional break down.
I don’t remember much. I remember curling to the floor, shaking and stuttering. I remember Joanne rushing towards me and calling 911 but I also remember Harry carrying me out into his car. I drifted in and out of consciousness and in and out of reality.
After spending three days in hospital, I was admitted into a psychiatric ward for the schizophrenic. I was put on strict watch with five pills to swallow each day. I was considered to have a severe case of schizophrenia.
Joanne visited daily. So did my parents. So did Harry.
He came in every day he’d talk to me knowing I couldn’t reply back without the nurse putting me back to “sleep”. The medication that was suppose to make Harry “go away” didn’t work, but I didn’t tell anyone. Life was hell but I knew how to act past it. As long as I pretended I could no longer see Harry I’d slowly past all the tests and soon enough, I’d get out of here and continue the reality I had left behind.
“Take a minute for the moment, I can barely begin. These frozen fingers laboriously translates my thoughts into incoherent ramblings. This is the only way I can deal with this. Because we’ve all got something that won’t go away. These thoughts, these thoughts. Something vital is lost in the translation. I can’t get rid of these bitter emotions. I can’t. So each day, I try to deal with this I take a minute for the moment. But I’m falling apart. I’ve been falling apart from the start.”—The Condition