Swallowing The Pill
I’ve known all along you were my poison. I knew that you were my anchor that tethered me to the depths of my anger and hatred. Life finally picked up for the both of us enough. It’s clear that even though I’m all you fucking had, your selfishness prevailed as usual. Because if it hadn’t, we still might speak. Believe me, it’s no loss on my part. But excuse me if I still feel a bit offended.
We had legitimate excuses not to see one another. You would smile at me, say hi, write on my facebook wall that we should hang out sometime. Over my dead body. And these days, it’s likely. Every time I actually do speak to you, it’s either about you or your boyfriend. And frankly, if I thought I couldn’t give a shit less about you, I was wrong. Now I know the true meaning of empty, bottomless, carelessness.
You sent me a picture of him to brag. Yeah, good looking catch. How’d you swing that one? Dazzle him with your so-interesting and never ending rambling about yourself? Oh that’s right. You met him at a restaurant because you eat so much. He was your waiter. That was the first sign that he really is an idiot. Because if you meet your fucking girlfriend at your fucking work because she fucking eats so much, that means you’re a fucking dumbass.
Oh and also, you can stick your “guys only want one thing from me” speech up your ass. You are the most lustful girl I’ve ever seen. I swear every time you see a guy who is just the slightest bit attractive, it’s ALL about him. Not him, though. His body. You are just as bad, if not worse, than any drunk slob at a bar. Only you don’t say it to his face. You tell it to me and give me those eyes that say, “If you steal him from me, I will make you miserable.” And guess what? You did.
Boys were never a true priority for me, and still aren’t. You just couldn’t stand the fact that I’m more beautiful than you’ll ever be. I’m more desirable, more fun to be around, and just altogether better. But what makes me those things is that I don’t seek out attention like you do. Human beings can smell desperation like dogs. And you reek. You judge all of your worth if you can catch that guy. If he happens to go for you over me, you have succeeded. Unspoken competition won. Fuck you.
I did eventually find a boyfriend. A wonderful, almost perfect, loving boyfriend. I didn’t say a damn word to you about him. Because the moment I would, it would be another fucking competition with you. It’s not about winning, you swallow bitch. Life is not a race or a measure of who has better or more. I refuse to compare with you. You are not even worthy enough to hear how great of a person he was and continues to be till this day. I knew if you knew the details between he and I, it would also be under your criticism. He was so special, so pure, so sacred to me that I would give anything to keep you away from him. Because all that you are is just a walking plague. When I was with him, I promised myself that above all else, you would not ruin this for me. You have ruined everything else, but you will not fucking ruin THIS.
I think the reason why I let this “friendship” go on for so long is that deep down, I knew you’re a good person. A very lost, sad, pathetic, and stupid person, but one that’s just clueless. And you are. You have no idea why you drive so many people away. Everyone will leave you. I’m all for people being themselves and I’m also an advocate for being aware of your vices. But since you are so utterly blind to the person you really are, that only makes you one thing. Which is everything that everyone thinks you are. One word comes to mind: cunt.
I’ve never been jealous of you, though you try so hard to make me. Even now, I’m not jealous. You’re still with your other friends, your boyfriend, your same pickett white fence little life where mommy and daddy will take care of their only spawn because you just happened to be the only egg that survived your mother. If your ovaries don’t cooperate, I think you should take God’s little hint of saying, “Hey, it’s like that for a reason. If you go against this barrier I built up against stupidity and add another shit-head to this world, your child will be the biggest one of them all.” I still have my friends, I still have my messed up life, but the boyfriend is no longer.
Point is, right now, life’s so un-fucking-fair that I try so hard. All I do is try to be a good friend, daughter, sister, student, etc. Every waking moment, I’m going through self-evaluation to make sure all morals and actions are tip-top shape. How can someone as horrible as yourself be so happy when I’m in still such anguish? There was a time when I would’ve done anything for you. I tried so hard for you. But I will tell you this: I will have the last laugh.