Two years.

Two years of high school and it has already utterly fucking killed my spirit.

I can’t go one day without worrying and stressing over it. I can’t fucking relax. I’m pretty damn sure by now my mental health is part of why my physical health has been completely shot for the past few months. I used to be the kid in the family that NEVER got sick, and if I did, never more than two days. My fucking mother was down with H1N1 for three weeks. When I finally caught it off of her, I was down for two days and then I was fine.

Two fucking years. And now I’m being told that junior year is basically gonna be the hardest of all my high school years. I know they think I’m mentally ready for it, but emotionally? This entire past two fucking years, even divided between two schools, has decimated me.

Sure. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad this year if not for the fire (which, incidentally, is why I CAN’T PASS ENGLISH THIS YEAR WITHOUT A MIRACLE, because instead of freezing my grade, my fucking teacher at Faildale gave me a fucking 0 for the quarter) and me getting sick in third quarter (on top of a serious concussion that had me down and out for a week after my uncle bodyslammed me into the ground) while Faildale refused to return any of our calls regarding transfer for a month and a half.

Maybe without all that shit, I’d be more fucking stable right now.

But part of me thinks that even without that, this year would’ve been hell. Last year clearly was, and I no longer think it’s the school. I mean, now I’m at a much better, more organized school. The majority of my teachers are better, and nobody’s picked a fight with me yet. Last year I got into fights the first week of school— same this year, actually, at Faildale. I’ve only been at this new school (I haven’t yet found a decent moniker for net use) for two months and I’m just as stressed as I was at Faildale.

To be fair, I’m pretty sure one of my teachers is Satan in disguise but Satan is a much nicer person than she is.

But… ugh.

I’m starting to think it’s just me.

Ever since seventh grade, I’ve had a lovely streak of almost failing and being held back. On top of actually being held back for something that wasn’t even my fault. 

I don’t think I’m cut out for high school. Or any state school system. I just… fuck. I don’t know if it’s the system or my shitty fucking mind, but I just feel like no matter what I do, it’s worthless. Even when I push myself to focus and do everything… in class I’ve been zoning out recently. I’m just entirely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Physically too. When I get home, all I want to do is sleep for a year.

I feel so utterly hopeless every time I wake up. It takes everything in me, all my willpower, to get out of bed, dress and drag my ass out the door to walk to school. Really, the only thing that gets me through without a complete meltdown in class is every morning… my friends talking to me and making me feel like I actually matter to someone.

Some people aren’t cut out for school… I’m thinking I might be one of those people. My mental and emotional stability/sanity has deteriorated so much since I was thirteen that I don’t know what to do anymore.

I thought I was holding it together. Since I was eight I struggled through and forced myself to make it. But nine years later, I don’t think I have the strength to carry on.

Everyone says I’m so well-adjusted.

They don’t know the half of it.