Russian President Vladimir Putin has tapped Steven Seagal to help promote the reintroduction of a Stalin-era program aimed at improving fitness among Russian children. More Info:
guardian.co.ukVladimir Putin has reached back to Joseph Stalin’s era for a plan to improve Russians’ physical fitness, appearing with the film actor Steven Seagal at an event aimed at promoting healthy lifestyles among young people.
In a meeting at a martial arts school on Moscow’s outskirts, Putin called for physical education rooted in a Soviet-era system.
“I think it would be quite appropriate to recall the positive experience of past decades when the so-called GTO, Ready for Labour and Defence, was in use in our country,” he said. The GTO mass physical training programme was introduced in the 1930s under Stalin.
All of the jokes that could be made about this aside (Steven Seagal? Really?), while we certainly support the idea of improving children’s physical health, we’re not sure why a new program couldn’t have been created to serve this purpose. Even if there’s nothing malevolent going on behind-the-scenes, reviving a program first created by Joseph Stalin just doesn’t look good.
Red Christmas
So today I posted on Twitter about Red Christmas, an imaginary movie starring Steven Seagal. I have received so many hilarious replies about it that I decided to preserve them here for posterity. I shall update it periodically if any other responses catch my eye.
“Idea for Christmas movie: Red Christmas, starring Steven Seagal. The twist? His name is also Red Christmas. Picture this: Steven Seagal is Red Christmas, a curmudgeonly mailman who hates Christmas because a mall Santa killed his ex-wife. But over the course of the film, he realizes kicking ass is the true meaning of Christmas, and by the end he’s made at least 20 puns about delivering things, because he’s a mailman and also you get presents on Christmas. ”
“His first name is actually Rudolph, but he goes by Red because he hates that name. All sorts of “hilarious” gags about it.”
“And he walks around malls stalking mall santas. Until he meets a young girl who melts his heart.”
““Special delivery.” *roundhouse kick to the head.*”
“From the makers of “Reindeer games” comes a new instant classic. RED CHRISTMAS. He’s gonna Deck the halls; with blood.”
“He’s making a list. And EVERYONE is naughty.”
““You better watch out.You better not cry. Better not stop him or else you’ll die. Red Christmas is gunning you down””
“One Man, Steven Seagal, Celebrates not with Mistletoe ….But with Tow missiles. Merry Christmas, Mother Fucker.”
““Ho ho hoe” Breaks a garden hoe over guy’s head.”
“Henchman: “You’re in for a symphony of pain!” -Groinkick- Segal: “How about the Nutcracker Suite?””
““I come bearing gifts of great pain!””
““Hark the herald angels sing, now you get - an ass kicking.””
“God rest ye merry gentlemen, rest in peace.”
“An IED crashes through the villains’ window with a label reading “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL X-MAS”; blows-up in a goon’s hands.”
“Ho Ho Ho *walks past three prostitutes*”
“‘Ho ho ho? Not on my route.’ *throat chop*”
“Feliz NaviDEAD.”
“You better come up with some answers, or I’m gonna roast your chestnuts over an open fire.”
“I bring gold, frankincense, and myrrh-der!”
“(Kicks a gil named Carol into a display of bells.) Red: Carol of the bells.”
“Segal: Careful with that gun, you’ll shoot your eye out. (Breaks guard’s neck)”
“Due to a rising World Population, Santa contacts Red Christmas, Steven Seagal, to take care of the naughty list. WITH FISTS”
“Segal: Return to sender, bitch! *Launches missile at villain’s hideout, preferably with the villain on the rocket*”
“Seagal: “You left me cookies and milk?” Boy: “Yeah!” *snaps his neck* Seagal: “I’m Lactose intolerant.””
“I have these gifts for you *fires machinegun Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum*”
“*Seagal strangles a man with piano wire* “Told you I could play ‘Silent Night.’””
“*emerges from a snowman* No magic in that old silk hat. Just a lot of me, to kick your ass.”
“Peace on Earth, Good will towards men. <2 seconds> Not Tonight, pal.”
“Happy Hell-iday motherf***ers! *fires a torch at enemies*”
“*smashes bad guy over the head with a huge bell* “Jingle Bells Mother F$%^er””
“Segal: Sending Christmas Cards? Well, don’t forget to stamp the envelope! *Stomps on henchman’s head.*”
“(a villain ends up in a wood chipper) “Let it snow, let it snow…””
“Seagal: Hark the herald angels sing. *blows enemies away* Glory to the newborn king….”
“But do you recall… the most dangerous reindeer of all?”
“Segal kills last henchmen in a building, “And all through the house, not a creature was stirring…””
“Segal plunges a man’s head into a vat of liquid nitrogen. “Baby, it’s cold inside.””
“Segal: Merry Christmas Thug: But I’m Jewish! *Segal uses a menorah like a giant throwing star* Segal: Then Happy Hanukka”
““You’re gonna need a big candy cane, after I break your leg””
“Bad guy looks at a room full of dead henchmen. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas””
“Seagal: All I want for Christmas are your two front teeth. *roundhouse kick to the face*”
“” The stockings were hung on the chimney with care; along with the corpses of all who were there.” ”
“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, Saint Nick had arrived, knowing there were necks to shatter.”
“*inside snowman with binoculars* “I’m the snowman who’s going to kick your ass!””
“With the flash of a muzzle, so bright and so quick, I knew in that moment that it was St. Nick.”
“*breaking in the villain’s lair in the North Pole* I came here to break your toys & eat some candy; & I’m all out of candy…”
“yippy kai ai mother mary!!!!!!!”
“Bah, scumbag.”
BONUS: A Red Christmas wallpaper, made by @someinvader:
