I may not ever be able to have children.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. When I was younger, I used to be sure I never wanted to have my own kid, and I always said I’d adopt. It was in my brain that I would never have my own kids, for one reason or another. Then I slowly started to change my mind, slowly realized I do want to have my own child. I want to experience pregnancy, experience childbirth, and have a child that reflects me in them. A little person that resembles me and loves me because I am me and will love being by my side. A child I’ve known forever, and that can be my friend for life.

Then, suddenly, it hit me in the face like a baseball bat one day, when I learned I may never have children. Not because of anything wrong with myself, though. Maybe when I was younger and had that obsession with adopting, it was for a reason. I was maybe 8 years old or so. Keith was at least 15 around then. He’s the one who can’t have children. Maybe when he found out he couldn’t, it reflected in me. Something telling me I won’t have my own child so I should resort to another means.

It upsets me a bit, I guess. I was so hopeful for so long about having my own child. I imagined her, what she would look like, act like….even names and reasons for them. It difficult to swallow, that dreams like this have been destroyed.

On the upside to this though, that even more chances for me to actually adopt. As much as I’d love my own child, adopting one is also something I want to still do. I honestly want a cute little Asian girl. I’d name her Aya or Taelyn or something – not because they’re Asian names though, just because I like them. However, it would suit them better.

It’s just so weird. I wish there was a way to solve this easily. There are probably operations or something, or will be, but those are expensive. There is no easy way, is there?

It will take me a while, but I could wrap myself around the idea. I could be fine with it. I’ve never been against adopting, and I always wanted an Asian kid.

Maybe it does work out, in the end.