Aroldis Chapman Eats 18 Cream Cheese and Guava Pastries
Yesterday, Aroldis Chapman blew his second consecutive save. Turns out, before the game, just like I would, he ate 18 cream cheese and guava stuffed pastries. We go there now:
AROLDIS CHAPMAN sits in the empty locker room before the game. The rest of the team is on the field stretching, but here, surrounded by empty boxes of baked goods, sits Chapman, his jersey straining, his belt cutting into his extended belly.
AROLDIS: Just…one…more.
Aroldis stuffs the pastry in, cheese getting all over his face, puff pastry falling onto his chest.
AROLDIS: It hurts…so good. Come on baby….uuuuhhh, it hurts so good.
Chapman stuffs another pastry in his mouth as Joey Votto strides through the clubhouse, eating a protein bar.
VOTTO: Aroldis! What are you doing? We’ve got a game in an hour!
AROLDIS: Whuss ‘at?
Chapman spews guava jam. A giant glob hits Votto on the mouth.
VOTTO: Did you just put another one in your mouth?
AROLDIS: Muhbe.
Aroldis tries to hide two more behind his back.
VOTTO: Can’t you wait until after the game?
AROLDIS: Not if I have a chance of getting the golden ticket to tour Union City’s famous Cuba Bakery.
VOTTO: I don’t think that’s a thing.
AROLDIS: It’s not?
VOTTO: No.
AROLDIS: Uh-oh. I’ve made a huge mistake.
Aroldis looks down, panicked. He brushes the crumbs off and shakily gets on his feet.
AROLDIS: We’d better go then. I’ll meet you on the field.
Votto walks off, Chapman stuffs two more in his face and slowly waddles towards the field.
THREE HOURS LATER, after giving up two home runs.
AROLDIS: Well, shit.
