equalizing sexism: star trek edition

Since J.J. Abrams is suddenly so concerned with coming across as sexist in Star Trek, and seems convinced sexism can be solved with (what he believes to be) equal-opportunity objectification, I’d like to offer a few suggestions as to some other changes he could’ve made to STID to even things out a little.

• Every replicator on the ship begins to produce uniform shirts two sizes too small. The dress-style uniforms remain unchanged.
• Every unnecessary railing on the bridge is removed and replaced by comfy chairs with cupholders from which members of the crew may sit and witness the magnificence of their Captain’s ass in action whenever they please.
• Carol Marcus ends that scene by phasering Kirk directly in the balls, and breaks the fourth wall when she stares the camera down and says “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT.”
• Additionally, she begins her own five year mission of discovery re: just how legendary Dr. McCoy’s hands are. The audience is invited.
• In fact, Dr. McCoy just spends the entire movie shirtless. No explanation is given, as none is needed.
• Uhura is carried everywhere on a golden litter by four Engineering ensigns, with a fifth following up in the rear carrying a boombox playing Beyoncé on a constant loop.
• (the fifth guy is totally Spock)

Additions are welcomed and gratefully accepted.