This time, let’s start with seven misconceptions introverts might have about extroverts.
- Extroverts are all noise, no substance. No, no, no and no. I hear this a lot from angry introverts on my blog and categorically reject it. Extroverts don’t lack substance because they make a lot of noise any more than introverts lack anything to say because they are quiet. This is style, not substance. Why this hurts: It’s just plain insulting.
- Extroverts are not as creative as introverts. This is a tenacious myth that I also reject. Creativity happens in an introverted space, inside our brains. And while introverts may spend more time in that space, extroverts have access to it as well. Besides, sometimes the stimulation of interaction can help a nebulous idea develop and grow. That’s creativity in an extroverted space. Why this hurts: It implies introvert superiority.
- Extroverts are afraid to spend time alone. Maybe some, but that has nothing to do with extroversion. Even extroverts require solitude sometimes to decompress. It just takes them longer to get there than it does introverts. Why this hurts: It’s the flip side of the assumption that introverts are afraid of people. We all have varying need for solitude vs. socializing.
- Extroverts don’t listen. Extroverts might not be the hard-core listeners that introverts are, but that doesn’t mean they have their hands over their ears. I am sometimes surprised by what my extroverted friends pick up on that I think they couldn’t possibly have heard over the din that is their life (to my introvert ears). Why this hurts: You underestimate your extroverted friends if you think there’s no point in talking to them because they won’t listen.
- Extroverts are needy. If you mean extroverts need a lot of interaction, then they are needy. But if introverts need a lot of solitude, does that also make them needy? Why this hurts: It takes a harmless and healthy desire and turns it into something negative.
- Extroverts want to change introverts. Some do, yes. And that’s annoying. But they don’t all feel that way. They just want to understand and make sure the introverts in their life are happy. Why this hurts: This misconception causes introverts to approach relationships with extroverts from a position of defensiveness, and no good can come of that.
- Extroverts are bullies: Extroverts, by their nature, might get right up in your face to get a point across. And they tend to state their case in no uncertain terms. But that doesn’t mean they have malevolent motives. And remember that you can only be bullied if you let yourself be bullied. Why this hurts: Bullies are mean. Extroverts aren’t mean. Well, some might be, but that has nothing to do with extroversion.
Now then, here are some misconceptions that get introverts all het up.
- Introverts need “help” in social situations. Not necessarily. Introverts manage social situations in our own way, in our own time. We might, for example, want to survey the scene to figure out where we fit in rather than plunging right in. Given time and space to do it our way, introverts are perfectly capable in social situations. Why this hurts: It can be patronizing, and might cause you to try and force introverts to behave in ways that make them uncomfortable.
- Introverts hate parties. Some do, many don’t. Again, we just party our own way. I love people watching and like finding a quiet spot to watch the scene and talk to anyone who drifts my way. This is my kind of partying. Sometimes I mingle, but that’s usually at parties where I know a lot of people, which are my favorite kind. Why this hurts: I, for one, hate being told what I do and don’t like. Also, if I don’t want to attend a party, I don’t go. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t invite me. I would be hurt to hear that a friend gave a party and left me out, even if it was with good intentions.
- Introverts would be extroverts if we could. Maybe some. But most of us are fine with our introverted ways. Why this hurts: It assumes that extroversion is preferable. Besides, many of us can behave like extroverts when we want to.
- Introverts don’t have fun. Not true. We just don’t have fun the same way extroverts do. Our fun tends to be low-key and doesn’t necessarily involve a lot of people—or any other people at all. Why this hurts: How would you like being called a party pooper?
- Introverts need to be drawn into conversation. Again, not necessarily. What we do sometimes need is for everyone else to slow down a little so we have some airspace to enter the conversation. We’re not good at jumping into conversations. Why this hurts: It assumes that we need help expressing ourselves. We don’t, we just prefer not to talk unless we have something to say and the time to say it.
- Introverts are not team players. Teams need all kinds of people to function well. Introverts might get steamrolled in a group setting, but give us the opportunity to make a contribution without having to fight to be heard and you’ll find that we can be integral cogs in the machine. Why this hurts: It can be damaging to acareerto be perceived this way.
- Introverts are not leadership material. Actually, research finds that introverts can be quite good at leading teams of extroverts because we don’t compete with the team. Introverts have quiet confidence and can lead without bluster and bombast given the chance. Why this hurts: Another misconception that can be a career killer.
by Sophia Dembling
“It feels right for us because we know exactly what it feels like to have our energy depleted when we have sent too much flowing outward. A weekend of heavy socializing can put me in a coma for a couple of days after. A week of heavy socializing and I need to live in a cave for at least a week.”
—Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way
“You’re not shy; rather, you appreciate the joys of quiet. You’re not antisocial; instead, you enjoy recharging through time alone. You’re not unfriendly, but you do find more meaning in one-on-one connections than large gatherings.”
—Sophia Dembling, THE INTROVERT’S WAY: LIVING A QUIET LIFE IN A NOISY WORLD“I am an introvert. And, like my fellow introverts, I am sorely misunderstood. Common wisdom says that America is a nation of extroverts and here, introversion is stigmatized. Parents worry about children who would rather play alone in their rooms than join the gang in the playground. Bookish teenagers are exhorted to break out of their shells. Adults are chastised if they would rather work alone than as team players. Phooey. I'm not shy, socially awkward or in any way (that I know of) socially inept. I don't hate people, I'm not unfriendly, I'm not stuck up, and I am perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation. I can even speak in public and do so fairly often. To meet me, you might think I'm extroverted. But the difference between extroverts and introverts is not that the former are good at socializing and the latter aren't. It's that extroverts are outwardly focused and draw energy from social interactions while introverts are inwardly focused and drained by interactions. That describes me perfectly. But a lot of people don't understand this. I have been shamed many times for my loathing for the telephone (not uncommon for introverts), for my reliance on online interaction (ditto), and for my desire to leave parties shortly after arriving. We introverts often try to push against our nature, having bought into the myth that extroversion is better and that it's the American way. But neither introversion nor extroversion are the "right" way to be. They're just different. And here in this blog, we are going to bust through extroversion bias. We will embrace our our introversion, celebrate it, learn more about it, and share strategies for living fulfilled, happy lives as introverts. Because, fellow introverts, it's time we stop pretending and apologizing, Sure, we can present an extroverted face to the world when necessary, but it takes a toll on us in private. And I say it's time to embrace our nature and start defending our case. Quietly.”
—Best thing I have read in a very long time. Introverts unite, indeed!
“You're not shy; rather you appreciate the joys of quiet. You're not sociable; instead you enjoy recharging through time alone. You're not unfriendly, but you do find more meaning in one-on-one connections than large gatherings.”
—Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way (Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World)“While we are not averse to knowing a lot of people, we don't believe a large circle of friends is proof of social success. Just as we prefer in-depth conversation to chitchat, we prefer a few intimate friendships to a bunch of fun but superficial ones. This is not because we don't like people, but because we do-so much so that we want to really know those people we care about. We would rather know one person intimately than a dozen only slightly. Acquaintances are the chitchat of friendships: pleasant and necessary, but ultimately unfulfilling. Of course, any attrition in our friendships can be a problem because replacing an intimate is difficult. So I try to maintain a wide circle of acquaintances as well, to make sure that when I'm alone, it's by choice.”
—Sophia Dembling: Nine Signs That You Might Be an Introvert
FOMO?
psychologytoday.comFOMO: The fear of missing out.
Do you guys do this too? You say ‘yes’ to social events because you don’t want to look like shying away from events just because you’re an introvert. But really, you’d rather say ‘no’ because you’re not one to socialise and meet new people. You’d rather have a close group of friends over, not laugh and talk about the weather but have intellectual conversations about things that concern you.
This article is for you then. For my fellow mofo FOMO’s. :)
