on single motherhood

i know i said i was taking a break from all of this but the demonization of single mothers has me fucked up

the demonization of single mothers is a well accepted and publicly practiced form of misogyny 

there’s this prevalent attitude that single mothers are evil, ungrateful, money hungry sluts who only care about themselves and spend any child support they receive on themselves. men’s rights activists in particular talk about the mythical inattentive single mother. she gets pregnant, usually on purpose, in order to spend a man’s money on clothes, alcohol, and other frivolous items and leaves her child to fend for themselves and a man broken hearted and destitute. she’s incompetent, lazy, and selfish, and most importantly, a bad mother and a bad woman.

this attitude is not only dangerous but also completely false.

there seems to be this common thought that raising a child is easy, and all you have to do is feed it, clothe it, and put it on the bus to go to school, and after that, your work is done. this is an over-simplification of what it means to be a mother and quite frankly, an insult and a disgrace. 

single motherhood is a full time job. you do not get breaks, you do not get vacations, you do not get a free pass. you are that child’s sole provider from the minute you’re left alone with them until they are fully formed and independent. 

single motherhood requires full attention. single mothers take on many roles- the parent, the teacher, the mentor, the caretaker, the emotional supporter. they are the ones responsible for every aspect of a child’s life. a two parent team has the option of splitting the responsibility for child rearing- a single mother has to do everything on her own. raising a child is difficult, and many two parent households have trouble with it. 

the myth that single mothers do not take proper care of their children is one that is steeped in the idea that women are incompetent and cannot take care of themselves, let alone another person. 

recently, there has been a post circulating tumblr showcasing a single mother spending a child support check on a pair of shoes for herself and a manicure. many of the comments on this post are disparaging, calling the young woman a bitch, an awful mother, and asking why she didn’t spend the money on the child instead of herself. because of course, the single mother is a bad mother, and of course she only thinks of herself.

what people don’t understand about child support is that it is not enough to live on, and is usually used as disposable income. single mothers are lucky if they get 200 a month. 200 a month is not enough for one person to live on, let alone two. the average single mother does not live on child support checks. it is impossible. and even then, it takes more than money to support a child. 

single motherhood means always being there. it means always knowing where your child is because no one else has to or can. it means making sure the child is well fed, groomed, clothed, well rested, and healthy. it means making sure the child is going to school and doing their homework. it means birthdays and holidays and sleepovers and extra curricular activities and downtime, and yes, that means the child has toys and books and things to occupy their time and make them happy, because being a mother means wanting your child to be happy. it means maintaining a house and working a job or two and making sure that you’re still alive and moving. it means doctors visits, dentist appointments, glasses, braces, broken bones, the flu, shots, surgeries. it means tending to broken hearts and broken friendships. it means puberty. it means prom and homecoming and driver’s permits and first jobs and internships. it means college applications and parent loans. and it means doing it all on your own. even when you’re sick, even when you’re tired, even when you’re depressed, even when you’re stressed out. the child depends on you and only you. 

if a single mother has the opportunity to take an hour out of the thousands she will spend as a mother to get her nails done, it is not the end of the world, it does not make her a bad mother, and it does not mean she is irresponsible. because before all of that, she takes care of her child. she does not stop being a mother because she is getting a manicure. she does not stop being a mother because she bought herself shoes. 

raising a child takes years. to assume that during which a mother should not be allowed to treat herself to something nice is to reduce her to chattel. it is saying that women do not deserve nice things because they only exist to breed and raise children. it is saying that women’s sole purpose is to be a broodmare. it is denying a woman agency and the right to be happy. it is misogyny. 

to single mothers- if you want to get your nails done, fucking go for it. you deserve it. you deserve to be happy, you deserve to treat yourself, you deserve to take care of yourself.

and to the men who leave women to raise their children alone- you do not get to dictate how she lives her life, spends her time or money. and you certainly don’t get to decide if she’s a bad mother if you couldn’t even be a father.