“Nine out of ten times, when you think Mike Nesmith is singing about a woman, he's actually singing about a dog.”

—Matt (my fiance)

Actual shit my fiancé says

  • Me: Do you ship us?
  • Him: I don't just ship us, I cruise boat us... No, I yacht us!
  • Me: Benedict Cumberbatch is gong to be in the new Star Trek movie.
  • My Fiance: I don't know who that is. In fact, I'm pretty sure you just made that name up.

my fiance legit just told me,

“When I get really down on myself, I just think about Nicolas Cage. If that guy can be an actor, I can do anything.” 

  • Fiance: "Every time I see this commercial where this guy is talking about landscaping, I think he's talking about his pubes. Every time."

Mitch: “our new place needs to have a nice big closet for your stuff”

Yup. Definitely marrying the right man.

"I hate when people say 'knickers'"

-“….who even says that…?”

“Target. ‘Mossimo junior knickers’…It’s almost offensive. Like it almost makes me feel uncomfortable saying it…”

“I would go gay for Misha Collins.”

—Matt (my fiance)

“You didn’t hear that? It sounded like a fucking mech suit just powered up outside.”  -Josh

i asked my fiance to cuddle with me. he said no. someone please hold me. i need it right now…

Hairy Pooter and Prisoner of AssCabin.

  • Me: I was just gonna do something and now I can't remember... What was I gonna do Josh?
  • Josh: Pet the kitty, invent unicorns, and conquer the world... not necessarily in that order.

Mitch: *looking through Instagram* “who’s ‘Bootyman12’…….?”

  • Me: Since we're going to church, you have to promise me one thing...
  • Him: What is it baby?
  • Me: Promise not to feel me up in church.
  • Him: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?! GOD IS WATCHING IN THERE.

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“i've never seen a tan black person.”

— j
  • Me: Why is my Mum being weird and making a cake instead of helping you sort the stuff out that she said she would?
  • My fiancé: She's procrasti-baking.
  • Me: That guy is genuinely the worst actor I've ever seen.
  • My fiancé: Maybe think of him more as a semi-sentient bucket and then you can think "my, that bucket's a good actor"!
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