I make it sound like I’m the most confident person when I talk to people. But what you don’t realize if that I literally sit in front of my computer crying half the time. I know there’s a bunch of people who feel the same way but I’m tired of being scared to talk to people here. I’m tired of not allowing my characters to actually go on date where they have to eat because it makes me uncomfortable. I hate myself. I hate how fat I am. I hate how ugly I am. I hate how my parents hate me because I self harm. I hate how I’m a complete fuck up. and I hate how everytime I start to open up to someone they just walk away from me like it’s nothing. My mum literally took at the pill bottles out of my room because I’ve tried to kill myself so many times.
I just… I want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask?
yeah but you know, i’m the asshole. i’m the asshole who sent anon hate to joe last november, telling him i didn’t like him. i’m the asshole who ignored the post tagged under my url that ali wrote to get all her followers to send an email to tumblr support trying to get my blog deleted after she found out i was the asshole who sent joe the anon hate. i’m the asshole who drew lolicon and posted it to a separate more private blog so nobody had to see it unless they really wanted too. i’m the asshole who felt so angry at someone and so disgusted in myself that i slit my fucking wrists and posted pictures of it. i’m the asshole who apologized. i’m the asshole who owned up to my mistakes. i’m the asshole who tried to move on. i’m the asshole who promised my friends it would never happen again. i’m the asshole who tried to apologize again privately. i’m the asshole who thought everything was done and over with. i’m the asshole who just wants to be left alone now. i’m the asshole who thought i could trust a curious anon. i’m the asshole who gave out my nsfw url to a person who i didn’t know. i’m the asshole who was crushed to find that it wasn’t over. i’m the asshole who used every bit of strength inside her not to hurt herself again. i’m the asshole who dared to go to Ali’s blog to see if she was the one who did it. i’m the asshole who got continuous anonymous hate, telling me that i was a sick pedophile. i’m the asshole who had a panic attack. i’m the asshole who had to take an ativan and assure my best friend that i was going to be okay. I’M THE ASSHOLE WHO GOT ANON HATE TELLING ME TO SLIT MY WRISTS AND BLEED OUT. I’M THE ASSHOLE WHO GOT MORE ANON HATE TELLING ME THAT THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT ME. I’M THE ASSHOLE WHO IS BEING ACCUSED OF GETTING ALI’S BLOG SUSPENDED EVEN THOUGH I NEVER SENT ONE EMAIL. I’M THE ASSHOLE HERE.