MOTHERFUCKING BRITISH SCONES

WOAH NOW! YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN, IT’S TIME TO MAKE SOME DAMN SCONES!

START BY OBTAINING 2 CUPS OF FLOUR. TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKING MEASURING CUP AND PLUNGE IT INTO THE FLOUR BAG LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO UNEARTH THE TREASURES OF MINAS TIRITH!

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER, MINAS TIRITH JUST HAS A FUCKING AWESOME LIBRARY, SO NOW YOU GET TO READ SHIT WHILE YOU COOK! FUCK YEAH!

CALL YOUR MIGHTY STEED TO GALLOP ACROSS THE LAND, GATHERING 4 TEASPOONS OF BAKING POWDER AND 1 TABLESPOON OF SUGAR. MAYBE YOU’RE A TOOK WITH A SWEET TOOTH SO MAYBE YOU CAN THROW ANOTHER HALF-TABLESPOON IN FOR SHEER SWEET VICTORY.

RAID THE GOBLIN FORTRESS AND TAKE BACK THEIR LOOT. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THIS SHIT AMONG THE BOUNTY - 1/4 TEASPOON OF SALT, 4 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER, 3/4 CUP OF MILK, AND 1 BEAUTIFUL EGG TO TOP IT OFF.

MIX TOGETHER THE BAKING POWDER, SALT, SUGAR, AND FLOUR IN A RITUAL BASIN, USING YOUR ELF SWORD. IF IT STARTS GLOWING BLUE, YOU MAY HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK TO STAB SOME IDIOTS.

CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD BEFORE CONTINUING. WE DON’T WANT TO BE UNSANITARY ASSHOLES.

THEN RUB THE BUTTER INTO THE MIXTURE LIKE YOU ARE MASSAGING DAVID TENNANT’S GLORIOUS SILKY LOCKS. YOU WOULDN’T SLAP HIS PRETTY FACE WITH A STIRRING SPOON, WOULD YOU? GENTLE! GENTLE!

SCREAM OBSCENITIES AT AN EAGLE, THEN FLIP IT OFF WHEN IT SCREECHES BACK SUPERIOR INSULTS. DON’T LOSE FACE, BUDDY, IT’S TIME TO ADD IN THE FUCKING MILK AND EGG. PRETEND IT’S THE EAGLE’S EGG WHEN YOU SMASH IT OPEN.

FUCKING BIRDS.

MIX THAT SHIT WITH YOUR AXE UNTIL A DOUGH FORMS. YEAH YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. A MOTHERFUCKING AXE. SPOONS ARE FOR LAME ASSHOLES WHO BATTLE THE HORDES OF MORDOR AND DON’T COUNT THEIR KILLS. WE ARE HARDCORE MOTHERFUCKERS, DON’T YOU FORGET!

NEXT YOU TAKE THAT FUCKING DOUGH AND YOU MAKE BALLS WITH IT. TEN FUCKING BALLS. NOT THAT KIND OF BALLS, PERVERT. THESE MOTHERFUCKING BALLS ARE GOING TO BECOME DELICIOUS SCONES. SUCK ON THAT.

FINALLY YOU TAKE THOSE PERFECT SPHERES OF SEMI-SOLID ANGUISH AND GLORY AND YOU PUT THEM ON A GREASED PAN, ALL NEATLY SPACED.

PROD THE DRAGON YOU KEEP OUT BACK UNTIL IT HEATS YOUR OVEN AND BAKE YOUR DOUGH AT 475 FUCKING DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR 15 FUCKING MINUTES.

NOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOTTA BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THIS SHIT BURNS FASTER THAN THE THE ZINGERS FLUNG AT FOX NEWS AFTER THEY FUCK SHIT UP AGAIN, SO DON’T FUCKING TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THAT SHIT. STAY IN THE KITCHEN, ASSHOLE!

ONCE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SCONES ARE GOLDEN BROWN, LET THOSE FUCKERS COOL OFF THEN EAT THEM WITH CLOTTED CREAM (OR FUCKING BUTTER IF YOU CAN’T GET CLOTTED CREAM) AND JAM MADE FROM THE PUREST FRUIT OF MIRKWOOD.

NOW YOU CAN HAVE AFTERNOON TEA LIKE A CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER.