Witty Rejoinder

Warning Shot Across the Bow and into the Chests of Your Loved Ones.

Following the scriptural savagery that was levelled at this esteemed organ a mere two days ago, a number of concerned parties and well-wishers enquired after my health, and the status of the Office itself. Their sincere beliefs in myself, subcommandant Jones, and in our competency in running the Panic Office, caused a bilious indignation to curdle in my various glands. As Editor-in-Chief it is incumbent upon me to snarl and bark in our own defence, with the vicious and vexatious verbosity by now expected of this Office.

Thus let the riposte commence: You, sir, are a dickhead.

The shekels and shillings combination is a more than acceptable pay and one voted for by your precious Union the last time a referendum was thrown their way, in the Autumn of 1952, under the negotiating prowess of Mr. Sidney Benjamin (1928-1992, Chief Actuary and Head of the Panic Office’s short-lived Interrogation Department). In many ways you were very lucky to graduate to the second-tier pay scheme, reserved for integral workers in key departments. As you well know, the interns are paid only 2 shekels and a pfennig bi-monthly, subsidised once a month with pornographic playing-cards, which they are expected to trade for stamps, cigarettes, and other essentials.

Additionally, I will not hear a word said against the flock of Kingfishers currently staffing the HR department. They do extremely good work under difficult circumstances. Furthermore, it remains standard practice for major companies to employ waterfowl for low-level administration; Research In Motion (RIM), for example, exclusively employ Canadian Geese in their R&D department. I believe the same is true of News International’s Graphics team.

Regarding my private library: I need not justify to you the horrifying extent and sheer capacity of my thirst for knowledge and its papery receptacle, the book. Get a library card and bother the local council with your demands of Crimean recipes (they mostly required cannibalistic activities anyway).

Next point: stay away from the botanical gardens. Their contents and potential financial yield are no concern of yours.

Finally, in reference to the… Bee situation: If you had elected to criticise this journal constructively in our open ideas exchange, held at the annual Panic Office conference and War Games, you would have been informed about the true nature of the ‘struggle’ and its enduring importance to the continued existence of our species. No more can be said about it here, for fear that it would cause alarum of unmentionable magnitude. Rest assured, we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. 

In future, you clothbrained poltroon, please remember that this company is not a democracy. We do not care about the workers’ plight, nor about a fair shake for the common man. We are here to disseminate. To inform. To enlighten. This is no mere job but closer to what an arsewitted troglodyte, such as you undoubtedly are, would label ‘a calling’. You do not choose to work for the Panic Office – rather, the Panic Office painstakingly weeds out who is fit for her service. In considering your own life and problems before considering the needs of the Office you have proven yourself unworthy of working here. Though it may take us time to find you – indeed, we may never discover your true identity, as cowards have an uncanny ability to merge into the beige wallpaper of life – the only honorable and logical option is to resign.

Any more of this bolshy activism will necessitate the recreation of the Interrogation Department. Sidney Benjamin’s face adorning every inquisition cell, dark eyes penetrating your soul, motheaten through its disuse.


Remember: This is not the rest of the world. This is not a cooperative food market, where the management pander to the workers’ demands. This is not a multinational corporation, attempting to exploit its workers. This is something different. This, for a greater good, for a noble glory, without exception or deviation, is the mighty Panic Office.