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WRITER’S RESUME

SERVERYour Favorite Restaurant
(June 2011 – The Rest of My God-Forsaken Life)

  • Provided prompt, friendly customer service to people who enjoy pretending I’m uneducated.
  • Successfully applied skills such as operating a soda fountain or being looked directly through like a ghost or a hesitation for eight hours a day.
  • Oh, you’d like another side of chipotle mayo for your medium rare heart attack, sir. Absolutely.


BARISTA
That Trendy Place That Is Overpriced      
(August 2009 – June 2011)

  • Demonstrated excellent personal control when asked if I knew how atrociously expensive our cookies are or why in the hell are we out of bagels.
  • Endured the ever-present mating dance common to men who just don’t get it and young women who are stuck behind a counter. No, I don’t want to talk to you. They pay me to talk to you.
  • Where I learned how to fake everything.
  • We are out of bagels because you probably sinned today.


NANNY
Damn, Your Kid is Cute  
(The Night He Was Born – August 2009)

  • Successfully rocked your son to sleep in my arms 274 times. Taught him sign language. Supervised his first shower when he was six months old. I remember braving his tiny body against my own, feeling his heartbeat like a fragile insect. I guided his hand in and out from under the water and for the first time, I saw—
  • Had to constantly remind myself that he was not and will never be my baby.
  • And yet, it is almost impossible to train your heart heel like a good dog.


POET
At First, I Hated That Word
(since the beginning – when I have nothing else to say)

  • So, what are your poems like?
  • What exactly are you going to do with an English degree?
  • Poetry is dead.
  • I don’t get it.
  • You seem really angry.
  • Are you, like, always sad?
  • So you actually make money at this?
  • This: what makes my heart wake up and wake up and
  • the only tattoo I was born with
  • the only language I am fluent in
  • what I pray to
  • what I pray with
  • from beginning
  • to end
  • it was never
  • a choice

- Sierra DeMulder

When I am filling out my resume and I am listing things about myself:

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And those are my special skills.

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